My Moment of Internet Fame, Dapper Octopus Edition (UPDATED x2)

I’m just going to take a moment to toot my own horn and salute a pseudonymous Photoshop wizard. This is the story of how a funny picture I found, along with the caption I gave it, spent a few moments near the top of Reddit. (The story consists almost entirely of pictures, so chill.)

The picture apparently first popped up on Pinterest, and then made its way to Reddit, where someone, possibly a user named Zelvetical, gave the little guy a top hat:

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I found it on a site called Dark Roasted Blend, and proceeded to share it on Facebook, then on Tumblr, where I added this caption:

All of human history has led us to the moment that we developed the technology to digitally add a top hat to a photo of an adorable miniature octopus.

As of the morning of Saturday, December 29, 2012, the Tumblr post has over 46,000 notes, which is a record for anything I’ve ever posted. Then I got this: Continue reading

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Honorable Tweet of the Day, December 28, 2012

It’s good to know some people have their priorities in order. I don’t know you, Alan Hanson, but I salute you.

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All the Stupid in the World in One Tweet

It amazes me that the author of this tweet hasn’t accidentally stabbed himself in the eye with a fork while trying to eat cereal.

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I actually met Grover once, and shook his hand. That was more than ten years ago, yet suddenly I feel the need for Purell.

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A PR Firm by Any Other Name Would Not Smell as Sweet

Somehow, the theft of Rory’s name was as unforgivable as stealing his skin; or so her grief told her. A skin was nothing. Pigs had skins; snakes had skins. They were knitted of dead cells, shed and grown and shed again. But a name? That was a spell, which summoned memories. She would not let Frank usurp it.
— Clive Barker, The Hellbound Heart, page 156, Harper Fiction, 1986

507068_88733155Names have a peculiar sort of power. They convey not only basic identity, but a whole range of associations. Our names identify us as individuals, but also demonstrate our family relationships and the level of formality we expect from others. Names evoke not only the concept of a person, but memories of that person, thoughts, and emotions. In business, a name can become a brand, something that has economic value in its own right. Our names represent us as four-dimensional beings, identifying who we are, who we have been, and who we may yet be. One’s name may very well be one’s most precious asset.

Unless, of course, you sign away the rights to your own name.

That’s what Brian Tierney allegedly did when he sold Tierney Communications in 1998, according to the aptly-named lawsuit Tierney v. Tierney, filed in a Philadelphia court in November 2012. The lawsuit, brought by Tierney Communications’ owner, Interpublic Group of Companies, alleges that Tierney’s new business, Brian Communications Group, misuses Tierney’s own name in a way that creates confusion. The new company allegedly uses the phrase “A Brian Tierney Company” in its marketing, which Intergroup doesn’t much like.

As odd as it may seem to lack the right to use your own name, if that’s what Brian Tierney signed, then that’s how it is. According to philly.com, the contract stated that he threw in the rights to use his name in connection with a public-relations or similar business “in consideration of the considerable monies paid to him.” So, you know, they paid for it. Freedom of contract and all that.

This was a plot point, actually, on the third-season finale of Treme, where chef Janette Desautel hosts a charity event using her own name, which happens to also be the name of the restaurant she co-owns with a douchey businessman. Her business partner is furious that she used a banner with a modification of the restaurant’s name, and reminds her that he owns the right to use the name (her name) with or without her. This is why you read the fine print, kids.

(h/t to Antonin Pribetic for bringing the story to my attention)

Photo credit: “Badge” by Gastonmag on stock.xchng.

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Making it a Little Harder for Crazy People to Do Crazy Things

[I started writing this in July 2012, but never posted it. Events that have transpired since then make it necessary to leave a field blank, because my comment may apply to multiple events.]

The tragedy in _________________ was not the result of secularism, the lack of Ten Commandments in public school classrooms, same-sex marriage, or the wrath of any angry deity.

The truth is, we do not know exactly what happened, and we may never know why. The shooter [might not even know why/is dead]. All we know is that a dangerous individual, sporting military-grade weaponry, killed a lot of people and wounded many more.

For all we know, he was determined to hurt and kill people no matter what. Of course we will never be able to stop all armed assholes, but is it so unreasonable to make it more difficult to obtain weaponry that would allow them to fire dozens of rounds per minute?

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Be of Whatever Level of Cheer Best Suits You

20121225-115212.jpgThe holidays have historically been a difficult time for me, for a wide array of reasons. I try not to sour the season for others, but I rarely, if ever, feel any particularly greater amount of cheer during the early winter months. Furthermore, the idea that we set aside a specific time of year to be “good” to one another, as though acknowledging that we can’t always be bothered the rest of the year, strikes me as a sad reflection on us as a culture.

That said, I love Christmas carols, atheism be damned (pun intended). I love my family, even if togetherness has been a chore on many occasions. I love my new family, which I will be joining in a legal sense in a few months. I love many of the trappings of the holiday season, and I am happy ro partake of them as a member of American culture.

What I do not care to do, which I unfortunately see some people do as a matter of course, is let the season create undue stress. Every year I am asked if I have finished my Christmas shopping around December 23. People rush to find the “perfect” gift, as though choosing wrong would have negative consequences. I don’t hear as much about sending Christmas cards, though, and some of the more oppressive traditions involving the postal service seem to be fading away, mercifully.

If this truly is a time of year to be good to one another, then be good to yourself, too. If this is not a time of joy, as is no doubt true for many people, no one should feel undue pressure to conform. Being “good” to someone may mean letting them be the way they need to be. Michael Tracy, writing at Friendly Atheist (yes, I read atheist blogs on Christmas day) put it very well:

When “cheer” is experienced genuinely, it can have great salutary effect. But when cheer is effectively enforced — by cultural and/or familial custom — it can do just the opposite. I don’t feel particularly compelled to adopt a cheerful demeanor simply because today happens to be the 25th day of December, and the expectation that I must sours my mood further. Ritualistic expressions of saccharine cheer are almost always pretty depressing, in fact, on Christmas or any other day.

If cheer is the way someone wants to greet the holiday, by all means do so. None of this is to say that one who doesn’t feel the cheer should sour it for others, but just as it is wrong, to a certain extent, to drag others down, no one should feel any pressure to be dragged up.

So be of good cheer. Or medium cheer. Or mild angst, if that is what you need today. Be however you need to be, but just be good, and have a happy holiday.

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Merry Winter-Holiday-of-Your-Choice

Grumpy Cat (perhaps the greatest meme in the brief history of memes) offers some holiday sentiments.

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(h/t ABL)

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Even More Public Servants that We Need to Arm

From CNN (via Crooks and Liars):

A man convicted of killing his grandmother decades ago ambushed firefighters on Monday, fatally shooting two of them as they arrived to battle a blaze in upstate New York, police said.

Two other firefighters were wounded in the attack in the Rochester-area town of Webster. A police officer from the nearby town of Greece suffered minor shrapnel wounds when his vehicle was hit by gunfire.

Investigators believe the suspect, [name redacted by me because fuck him] set the original fire, then likely set himself up on a berm with a clear view of the scene and started shooting.

“It appears that it was a trap,” Webster Police Chief Gerald Pickering said. “There was a car and a house that were involved in flames, probably set by [some asshole with a gun], who laid in wait in armament and then shot the first responders.”

The asshole who shall remain unnamed by me also managed to destroy much of his neighborhood by keeping other responders away, before apparently offing himself.

For several hours Monday, the threat of gunfire stopped firefighters from battling the blaze and forced police SWAT teams to evacuate 33 people in the neighborhood of small waterfront homes.

Eventually, seven houses were “totally destroyed” by the fire. Although the fires were under control as of 2:30 p.m. ET, by then authorities still hadn’t been able to get in any of the homes. Pickering said it’s possible more victims could be inside.

“I’m hoping that everyone was able to escape from the inferno,” he said. “Those houses were close together.”

All of this happened on Christmas Eve, and all because a convicted killer with some pretty serious mental health issues got his hands on some guns, and then decided to kill firemen.

I don’t much care right now about the shithead who did this. Two people are dead, on Christmas fucking Eve. Via the Associated Press:

– Lt. Michael Chiapperini, 43, had been named Firefighter of the Year just two weeks ago, and he led the fire department’s Explorer program for young people interested in becoming firefighters. He had recently taken vacation time to help recovery efforts after Hurricane Sandy, the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle reported. He also was the public information officer for the Webster Police Department. He is survived by his wife, two daughters and a son, who also worked with the fire department

– Tomasz Kaczowka, 19, was a 911 dispatcher for Monroe County. He also was a member of the Explorers group that Chiapperini advised, had worked at a fast-food restaurant and had been a member of the fire department for about a year. One of three brothers, he was studying at Monroe County Community College. On his Facebook page, he said he could speak Polish and German.

I’m politicizing the shit out of this. To those who don’t think we should politicize incidents of gun violence, are firefighters any more worthy of your attention than kindergarteners?

I assume someone will make the disappointingly obvious and bad suggestion that we should just arm the firefighters. Many in this nation may not think firefighters should have collective bargaining rights, but we could at least give them guns. We could also post armed guards at fires.

We could also try to address mental health while working to keep the more insanely non-recreational guns under control, and by that I mean talking about mental health as more than just a way to try to

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