This Week in WTF, October 5, 2012

Posted on October 5, 2012 by wellsdc

– A college student at the University of Tennessee required hospitalization with a 0.448 blood alcohol level (you read that right) obtained via an “alcohol enema” (you also read that right). As if that wasn’t bad enough, the alcohol administered to the common-sense-challenged frat boy was Franzia Sunset Blush wine. You think you’re hardcore, kid? In my day, we drank Boone’s, and we put it in our mouths.

– A Ukrainian teenager really likes anime. I mean, she really, really likes it, so much so that she has turned herself into an anime character, mostly with makeup. It’s…….uncanny.

– This is from a month ago, but it’s worth mentioning. As if living in Mississippi weren’t bad enough, and living in Mississippi during Hurricane Isaac weren’t even worse, try to imagine living among thousands of dead nutria washed ashore by the storm. Or, you know, don’t try to imagine that. (No disrespect intended towards the good people of Mississippi with that jab at your state. It’s the bad people I was addressing.)

– A Supervisor in San Francisco wants to ban nudity in public spaces.

San Francisco Supervisor Scott Wiener plans to tell nudists to butt out of public plazas and other spots through legislation he is introducing at Tuesday’s Board of Supervisors meeting.

The District 8 supervisor Weiner said he planed to introduce legislation Tuesday that would prohibit display of one’s genitals and buttocks on sidewalks, plazas and aboard public transit.

The proposal calls for a $100 fine for the first offense, $200 for the second and a possible misdemeanor charge for a third. Nudity would still be allowed at events such as the Folsom Street Fair, Pride Parade and Bay to Breakers run.

First off, his name is Weiner. Tee hee. Second, you mean this isn’t already illegal in San Francisco? I feel like such a prude…

– In Oregon, a 70 year-old farmer went out to feed his hogs and never came back. Because they ate him. That’s it, I’m done for this week.

Austin is Number 149!!!

Posted on October 4, 2012 by wellsdc

480px-Is_there_a_skate_repairman_in_the_house

I searched Wikimedia Commons for “Austin traffic,” and this was the only result even related to the city of Austin. Just sayin’.

Allstate Insurance released its eighth annual “America’s Best Drivers Report™”about a month ago, and the great city of Austin did, uh, not so great. Out of the two hundred largest cities in the country, we ranked 149th for “best drivers.”

To get those figures, Allstate’s actuaries compiled collision data from 2009 and 2010 to see how long an average driver in each city is likely to go between accidents. The cities with the “best” drivers went the longest between accidents and had the lowest likelihood of accidents as compared to the national average. The “best” drivers are apparently in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, with 13.8 years between accidents and an accident likelihood 27.6% below the national average. Washington, DC, on the other hand, ranked dead last, with 4.7 years between accidents and a likelihood of accidents more than twice the national average.

Austinites can expect to go 8.1 years between accidents. We are 23.9% more likely to have an accident than the national average. Smaller cities tend to have “better” drivers, presumably because there’s less traffic and fewer distraction. Austin ranks thirteenth in population in Allstate’s list of cities, with more than 820,000 people. Sioux Falls ranks 153rd, with just over 156,000.

So anyway, drive safely out there. Continue reading →

Fun Things You Find When Clearing Out Your Hard Drive

Posted on October 4, 2012 by wellsdc

This was taken on June 15, 2007, the day after I brought Zeta home for the very first time. Note the crummy apartment with a foot locker for a coffee table, as well as my early attempt to buy her love with a Kong.

I think she was still trying to decide if she liked me or not. She figured it out eventually.

A beloved ’80s cartoon turns out to be racist. Who knew?

Posted on October 4, 2012 by wellsdc

Do you hear that? It’s the sound of the dead, desiccated husk of my childhood idealism blowing away on a warm desert wind…

Not too long ago, I tried to watch the pilot episode of the original Transformers cartoon on Netflix Instant. You know how some children’s cartoons actually operate on multiple levels, so that adults can find something entertaining in them, too? This was not one of those cartoons. This was an unrepentant 1980’s toy commercial stretched out over about 22 minutes without the actual commercials.

In an unrelated incident, my random wanderings through Wikipedia in the cause of avoiding anything productive or income-generating led me to some recaps of the old series, now known as Transformers: Generation 1 to distinguish it from all the subsequent canon-destroying cartoons and live-action sludge that followed. I stopped watching the Transformers cartoon after the second season in 1986, not coincidentally the same year I started junior high school. Therefore, I missed a rather, ahem, colorful character they added in season 3. I Googled this extensively because I refused to believe the description of a new human character, “the dictator Abdul Fakkadi of the desert nation of Carbombya.”

I dare say I need to repeat that for incredulity: “the dictator Abdul Fakkadi of the desert nation of Carbombya.”

TFWiki.net describes this fictional nation as follows:

The Socialist Democratic Federated Republic of Carbombya is a kingdom located in the Sahara Desert region of the continent of Africa on the planet Earth. It has a coastline, with foreign ships that venture too close to it often being fired upon. This intensely xenophobic state is ruled by Abdul Fakkadi, and apparently derives most of its wealth from particularly fine oil. The people are often heard swearing on the lives of their mother’s camels and so forth. This is of course ~~hilarious~~ offensively stereotypical.

Its city of Carbombya City, population 4,000 (and 10,000 camels), is presumably the capital.

(See also Transformers Wiki at wikia.com.)

It’s a kingdom with a socialist, federal republic system? With a dictator? Um, got it…..

The symbolism is pretty obvious. Clumsy, even. This was 1986, of course, when American esteem for Arab nations was certainly even lower than it is now. I can totally picture the writer who conceived of this character and country, who I am certain has never even seen a book on political science. I’m sure he laughed at his own cleverness as he spilled Cheeto dust onto his anti-Gaddafi t-shirt.

Yeah, something like this.

Photo credit: ‘Carbombya Marker’ © 1986 Sunbow Productions, Marvel Productions, and Hasbro, via tfwiki.net; ‘Khadaffy Duck’ by vintageretrowear, via defunkd.com. You had best believe I’m claiming fair use on this bullshit.

Republican Challenger Portrays Nancy Pelosi as Leader of a Zombie Cult, Obviously Doesn’t Realize How Awesome That Would Be

Posted on October 3, 2012 by wellsdc

Republicans, to borrow a phrase, have a pop-culture problem. To borrow another phrase, while Democrats get to rub elbows with A-listers, Republicans get to “shake Jon Voight’s cold lizard hand.” The downward slide continued this week, with a, uh, memorable ad from a California race.

The plucky challenger for Nancy Pelosi’s seat, John Dennis, has put out an ad depicting Pelosi as some sort of zombie cult leader engaged in animal sacrifice. I do not condone animal sacrifice as a general rule, but I also know the difference between literalism and satire (more so than most Republicans.) What I fail to see, however, is how depicting Nancy Pelosi as leader of some sort of zombie cult–possibly even a zombie army!–is going to make people not want to vote for her. Seriously, who wouldn’t want someone who could command a zombie army as their elected representative?

Let me first say that I don’t believe I have ever heard a Republican candidate address someone as “dude” before. It’s strangely refreshing, while at the same time highly unsettling. That said, the actress portraying Nancy Pelosi appears to have accepted this gig immediately after her final rejection from all the suburban L.A. community theater programs. On a very, very good day, she might pass for a Poor Man’s Jessica Walter, but she’s not likely to even manage the notoriety of a Johanna Goldsmith with this role.

Seriously, though, the knowledge that even the tiniest possibility exists that Nancy Pelosi leads a secretive army of the undead makes me want to fly out to Cali and commit a little in-person voter fraud come November.

(Note to Republicans: The previous sentence is an example of sarcasm. I do not intend to commit in-person voter fraud in California or anywhere else. Nevertheless, feel free to misinterpret me and discuss my blog on Fox and Friends. I need to monetize this biatch.)

I receive faxes

Posted on October 3, 2012 by wellsdc

One of the fun things about having a digital fax number is that you can receive all the spam your heart desires and never waste any paper. You still waste time making sure the fax isn’t something important, but then again I have no idea why anyone would be faxing me anything. What is this, 1998?

Today was kind of special, though. Today I received a fax that clearly recognizes my brilliance and my contributions to society, even if the person who sent it clearly has no idea who I am. I will attach the PDF of the fax below, but here’s a fun little deconstruction, with my comments in red.

Dear Latino Professional, (Wait, what?)

You have been considered for inclusion in The Latino American Who’s Who forthcoming 2012 edition. (Just “considered”? Is this not a final thing? Please don’t tease me. It’s mean.) This is our second attempt to recognize you as a leading Latino Professional. (Define “recognize,” because I am so not Latino.) We at the registry feel the Latino culture and influence is felt more so today than ever before (There we certainly agree) and your contributions to the Latino business community warrants inclusion. (Um, how? Because I grew up in San Antonio? Because I can speak bad Spanish when desperately necessary? I advertised my law firm in a Spanish-language newspaper for one month in 2003. Was that it? Is it because of my love of Mexican food? I’m sure I’ve helped out a few local restaurants in my time.)

The 2012 edition of The Latino American Who’s Who facilitates a networking platform that is comprised of leading Latino American executives and professionals that have met a degree of recognizable success within their respective industry or profession. (Then why are you talking to me?) This is a publication that shows how successful the Latino community has become! (Dude, I trust you. I don’t need any more books in my house!) The registry is published annually and there will be no fees or dues to be included in the edition. (Wait, it’s free to be listed, and it makes me look important? I’m listening…)

To be considered for The Latino American Who’s Who complete the form below and fax it back to us. (You appear to already know where I am. What if I’m too busy contributing to the Latino business community to complete a form?) Upon receipt, a representative will contact you for verification and completion. (So you have to verify who I am? I’m beginning to think that this isn’t even targeted marketing, but rather a throw-stuff-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks approach. And here I thought I was special…) Space is limited and a prompt response is appreciated. (Oh no! How much time do I have? You can’t be too pressed if this is the second time you’ve tried to solicit my pale WASPy butt.) The Who’s Who registry Dedicated to the Latino Community!! (You know you left out some punctuation there, right?)

Original fax (PDF file)

Seriously, Latino American Who’s Who, you don’t want me in your publication. Anxiety-ridden white lawyers-turned-bloggers like me already have quite a few outlets for our own publicity. I’m flattered, but I’ll pass.

Stop! Grammar Time! “Decimate”

Posted on October 3, 2012 by wellsdc

A recent Doctor Who episode, “A Town Called Mercy,” featured a character who described a war that “decimated” more than half his planet. Something about that seemed mathematically problematic, so I thought I might investigate what “decimate” actually means. As it turns out, the Doctor Who character had it both right and wrong.

“Decimate” can mean “to reduce drastically especially in number” or “to cause great destruction or harm to.” That would be the Doctor Who meaning.

If you look at the word etymologically, though, you get the sense that the number 10 ought to be involved somehow. That’s where some older definitions come in: “to select by lot and kill every tenth man of” or “to exact a tax of 10 percent from.”

So using the original meaning, the character was super-mega-wrong. But no one cares anymore, so go nuts.

Gee, sorry we had you arrested for our mistake!

Posted on October 2, 2012 by wellsdc

How different might his life have been had he just stuck with the black SUV?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever gotten too much change back from a cashier. [Waits for reader(s) to raise hand(s).] I’m sure that’s happened to most people at least once. Many of us may have been undercharged by a cashier, too. I’m not going to ask you if you pointed out the error or not, because that is between you, your conscience, and your dear and fluffy Lord. What you may not realize, though, is that getting undercharged could land you in the slammer, if the company you’re buying goods from is douchey enough. Presenting the tale of Danny Sawyer of Chesapeake, Virginia.

As reported by the Virginian-Pilot, Sawyer purchased an SUV from Priority Chevrolet in Chesapeake in May 2012. After test driving a blue Traverse, he opted instead for a black one. He signed a promissory note listing a sales price of $34,000, traded in his old car, and left in the SUV. Sawyer came back the next day and asked to trade the black SUV for the blue one. Unbeknownst to him, apparently, was the fact that the blue model cost about $5,500 more. It was allegedly unbeknownst to him because the sales manager allegedly did not tell him. As the Pilot reports, “the final contract Sawyer signed did not reflect the higher price, which [Vice President Stacy] Cummings said should have been in the area of $39,000. He blamed a clerical error.”

Sawyer left on vacation for a week, and returned to find a sizable amount of voicemails from the dealership telling him that they undercharged him, and that he had to come back to sign a new contract. Sawyer claims that he refused, and the dealership claims Sawyer agreed to come in but never showed up. I can see Sawyer’s point of view, which would be that the deal was done, the dealership had accepted his money, and the car was his. The dealership did not see it that way.

Police showed up at Sawyer’s house in June and arrested him for car theft. After four hours in jail, a magistrate released him on bond. Apparently, the manager and the vice president of the dealership intended to involve the police to help locate the car, but a manager told police the car had been stolen. All charges against Sawyer were dropped by late August. That’s where the story gets fun.

Sawyer is suing the dealership for “malicious prosecution, slander, defamation, and abuse of process, among other things.” He is seeking damages of $2.2 million.

I can see several morals to this story.

Get it in writing.
If the police arrest someone on your behalf, it’s pretty much on you.
Seriously, get it in writing.

If I remember to do so later, I’ll keep an eye on this rather fascinating tale.

Photo credit: “09 Chevrolet Traverse” by IFCAR (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

I’m already boycotting CNN

Posted on October 1, 2012 by wellsdc

Avert your eyes…

With the first Presidential Debate coming up in a couple of days, it must be time for a boycott! Ultraviolet, which does some excellent work, I must say, is calling on people to boycott CNN’s coverage of the debatesuntil they fire Eric Erickson:

The first presidential debate is just two days away—and it’s a huge opportunity for all of us to send a strong message to CNN: Condoning sexism is bad for business.

CNN has remained silent since Erickson’s outrageous comments referring to the first night of the Democratic National Convention as the “The Vagina Monologues” Almost unbelievable, considering this was nowhere near his first offense. From defending Rush Limbaugh when he called a Georgetown graduate student a “slut,” to accusing women in the Obama administration of pushing American intervention in Libya “like women drivers” with “no plan,” “no map,” and “no shopping list.” (seriously.)

It’s not like firing Erickson would actually do anything to improve the tone of public discourse. Another hydra head would pop up to take his place, and the entire right wing would have an additional whining point to bring up at every opportunity. Still, the message is important, and I wholeheartedly agree that Erickson’s rhetoric tends towards the toxic.

This has nothing to do with free speech rights, by the way, so please, nobody waste the nation’s time by bringing that up. The government isn’t trying to shut Erickson down, private citizens exercising their economic power of the purse are the ones doing this.

I’m sure someone or many someones will weep that liberals are hating on Erickson just because he has an opinion that differs from theirs. I actually love when people make this argument, because to me it signals that the speaker has no intention of actually defending the substance of those opinions. They just want to wail and gnash their teeth that the liberals are being mean to them. If your only retort is that you have a right to your opinion, it could simply signal that you have reached an impasse with an opponent. If that is your opening retort, though, it suggests that you do not actually have an argument, or just can’t be bothered to defend or explain it. Just saying.

At any rate, I will not be participating in the boycott because I do not need to. I refuse to watch CNN as long as they give air time to Nancy Grace. She has done more damage to our concepts of criminal justice and basic jurisprudence (it’s a legal term, look it up) than anyone else in recent history, in my humble opinion.

Photo credit: ‘Nancy Grace’ by Vidiot [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

Cryptic Philosopher

What was Sundered and Undone

Author Archives: wellsdc

This Week in WTF, October 5, 2012

Austin is Number 149!!!

Fun Things You Find When Clearing Out Your Hard Drive

A beloved ’80s cartoon turns out to be racist. Who knew?

Republican Challenger Portrays Nancy Pelosi as Leader of a Zombie Cult, Obviously Doesn’t Realize How Awesome That Would Be

I receive faxes

Stop! Grammar Time! “Decimate”

Gee, sorry we had you arrested for our mistake!

I’m already boycotting CNN