Author Archives: wellsdc

This is Scorpio

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Writers from The Simpsons recently listed their ten favorite “obscure” characters. Apparently, in the show’s 20+ seasons, there have been more than 1,600 characters and celebrity guest appearances. Their #1 pick (well, he’s the 10th one they name, so I’m assuming that makes him #1) happens to be one of my all-time favorites, too, so it seemed like time for a shout-out.

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Hank Scorpio (“You Only Move Twice,” Season Eight)

Possibly the most re-demanded one-shot. He was an employee-focused ideal boss, voiced by Albert Brooks, but unfortunately also a super villain. We look forward to having him back on The Simpsons once he’s finished serving his 47 consecutive life sentences.

A few of my favorite quotes:

Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?

Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Hammocks!

Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut, that’s on third.

Homer: Uh-huh.

Hank Scorpio: There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.

Homer: Mm-Hmm.

Hank Scorpio: That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex on third.

Homer: Oh, the hammock district!

Hank Scorpio: That’s right.

And:

Marge Simpson: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum’s rush.

Hank Scorpio: We don’t have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn’t rush, they’d be allowed to go at their own pace.

And:

Homer: Wow, my boss!

Scorpio: Don’t call me that word. I don’t like things that elevate me about the other people. I’m just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don’t like the word “boss”.

And:

Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you’ll face the consequences. And to prove I’m not bluffing, watch this.

(explosion)

Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!

Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.

Man 1: We can’t take that chance.

Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.

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Not performing well on the test, apparently

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I saw this on my Facebook feed the other day, and I’m still trying to figure it out. Are men supposed to drop everything, at any given moment, to look at breasts? That doesn’t seem like much of a way to build a productive society.

This is similar to the “gay test” meme, in which your choice of whether to look at a hottie or some other object apparently determines whether or not you are gay, with the implication that being gay is a Bad Thing.

I’m betting that more than likely you have seen some variation of the “Gay Test”. The basic premise of it is to take some sort of image of an attractive woman, point out something that is considered to be of less importance than attractive women (and apparently EVERYTHING ELSE is less important than an attractive woman) and declare that if a guy notices that other thing before noticing the attractive woman then it’s a sign that he is gay, which is apparently bad news.

Yea I’m sure you can see how this is jacked up on so many levels right? Don’t worry I’m going to go over them.

For the most part these “tests” depict women that fit the bill of being conventionally attractive. White, thin, young, blond, large breasts and butts, revealing clothing, possibly in a sexually suggestive position (of a notable exception are the ones that are based on anime where the women change from white to Asian, the hair can be any color under the sun, and the laws of probability, physics, and reasonable comfort are suspended when it comes to breasts).

Aside from the considerations of objectification, overt homophobia, and the simple fact that everyone has their own unique ideas of what is worthy of leering at, there could be any number of reasons not to stare. In the photo above, for all we know the guys in the background are old high school/college/war buddie reunited for the first time in years. No offense to Anonymous Breast Lady, but friendship carries a lot of weight. Besides, she’s facing away from them.

In the photo accompanying the “gay meme” article, the choice is between staring at a conventionally attractive woman in a bikini and an aircraft carrier. You can see might be the edge of a dock, but it sort of looks like the aircraft carrier just drifted over to the beach. Is it really so unusual to think “Hey, girl in bikini and holy shit an aircraft carrier just washed up on the beach!!!!!”

Or maybe I’m overthinking it.

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All That Needs to Be Said About Ayn Rand

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20120815-233607.jpgThis needs to be emblazoned in fifty-foot letters on the side of a mountain. Better yet, in hundred-mile letters on the surface of the moon.

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

Kung Fu Monkey (via John Cole)

Photo credit: ‘who is John Galt?’ by cutandpasta, via Tumblr.

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This Week in WTF? August 17, 2012

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godwincat-thumb-298x319-155479– A fan of right-wing faux-historian David Barton Godwins himself, and not even subtly (cf. Godwin’s Law.)

– A lost parakeet in Japan named Piko-chan is reunited with his owner after telling police its address.

– Authorities in Kazan, capital of Tatarstan, Russia, have found a Muslim sect (some might say “cult”) literally underground:

Seventy members of an Islamist sect have been discovered living in an eight-level underground bunker without heat for more than a decade, just outside the city of Kazan, Russia.

The BBC says four members of a breakaway Muslim sect have been charged with cruelty against children for keeping them underground in catacomb-like cells without heat. Many had never seen sunlight.

Police discovered the sub-terranean community in the Tatarstan region, a mainly Muslim area on the Volga River, during an investigation into recent attacks on Muslim clerics in the region.

Some of the children, aged between one and seventeen had never left the compound, gone to school or treated by a doctor.

A more nuanced view of the compound, suggesting (or hinting) that Russian authorities have exaggerated the conditions in order “to show they are cracking down on radical Islamic groups” comes from The Blaze, of all places.

– Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men in Israel have the latest cutting-edge technology to protect them from seeing hotties out on the street:

New prescription glasses that blur out temptress daughters of Eve are now available for ultra-Orthodox Jewish men in Israel whose religious beliefs require that they strictly avoid contact with women in public, especially “immodestly” dressed women.

The new glasses allow ultra-Orthodox men to maintain a strictly devout lifestyle that prescribes segregation of the sexes on buses, streets, restaurants, parks and other public spaces. According to the ultra-Orthodox interpretation of Jewish law, all contact between unmarried men and women is forbidden.

The Associated Press reports that the ultra-Orthodox community’s “modesty patrols” are selling the glasses equipped with special blur-inducing stickers on their lenses. The glasses allow for clear vision only up to a few meters but all objects beyond that range are blurry.

I have two thoughts on this: (1) This is a far preferable solution, as opposed to trying to dictate what Israeli women must wear or where they can sit. (2) It is very hard not to point out the symbolism of special glasses for ultra-religious individuals that only allow them to see a few feet in front of themselves.

– A newfangled 3D printer in Japan will create a replica of your unborn fetus. As Allegra Tepper at Mashable notes, “It’s kind of like a snow globe — of your unborn child.” So, uh, not creepy at all…

– A civilian contractor, with the oddly-appropriate surname Fury, faces two federal counts of arson for allegedly setting two fires on or near the nuclear submarine USS Miami. The fire on board the sub reportedly caused $400 million in damage and took twelve hours to extinguish. The prosecution is claiming that he set at least one of the fires so he could leave work early. The judge is keeping him in jail until trial.

– Medical marijuana activists sent fake letters, purporting to be from the U.S. Attorney’s Office, to pharmacies in San Diego warning them that they would be shut down within forty-five days. The point of the hoax, apparently, was to highlight U.S. Attorney Laura Duffy’s mission to shut down medical marijuana dispensaries around California (presumably because drugs are bad, mmmkay?), and the disparate treatment pharmacies receive from federal authorities compared to dispensaries. Hard to argue with the message, but the tactic seems very junior high.

Photo credit: Godwin Cat, via dollymix.tv.

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Dave Mustaine Tries to Out-Nuge the Nuge

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Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine seems to be crying out for at least as much attention as the country pays to Ted Nugent.

TMZ reports that Mustaine told the crowd at an August 7 concert, “Back in my country, my president … he’s trying to pass a gun ban, so he’s staging all of these murders, like the ‘Fast And Furious’ thing down at the border … Aurora, Colorado, all the people that were killed there … and now the beautiful people at the Sikh temple.”

(h/t) That might actually be more insane than anything Ted Nugent has ever said. It’s hard to say. I’ve always thought Mustaine came across as kind of a tool, but I do like his music marginally more than Nugent’s.

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American Angry at Being Denied the Right to Shoot Canadians

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20120810-233540.jpgJust when you thought American tourists couldn’t do any more to make us all look bad, you realize that when it comes to looking like fools, Americans are truly exceptional.

Meet Walt Wawra, a police officer from Kalamazoo, Michigan, who recently vacationed in Calgary, Alberta with his wife. But like any good American, he knows that we are never truly safe, anywhere. Walt wrote to the Calgary Herald of a harrowing experience:

I recently visited Calgary from Michigan. As a police officer for 20 years, it feels strange not to carry my off-duty hand-gun. Many would say I have no need to carry one in Canada.

Yet the police cannot protect everyone all the time. A man should be al-lowed to protect himself if the need arises. The need arose in a theatre in Aurora, Colo., as well as a college campus in Canada.

Two short paragraphs in, and we already have guns, implicit mockery of Canada, and the invocation of Aurora. This is not off to a good start.

Recently, while out for a walk in Nose Hill Park, in broad daylight on a paved trail, two young men approached my wife and me. The men stepped in front of us, then said in a very aggressive tone: “Been to the Stampede yet?”
We ignored them. The two moved closer, repeating: “Hey, you been to the Stampede yet?”

I quickly moved between these two and my wife, replying, “Gentle-men, I have no need to talk with you, goodbye.” They looked bewildered, and we then walked past them.

From this description, only their tone was aggressive, whatever that might mean. Walt’s years as a cop must give him unique insight into interpreting Canadian tones. Beyond that, it is unclear what exactly happened. Perhaps the two men looked bewildered because Walt didn’t surrender his wallet out sheer politeness? Oh well – at least there’s no need to blow such a minor situation out of propor–

I speculate they did not have good intentions when they approached in such an aggressive, disrespectful and menacing manner. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ they did not pull a weapon of some sort, but rather concluded it was in their best interest to leave us alone.

Would we not expect a uniformed officer to pull his or her weapon to intercede in a life-or-death encounter to protect self, or another? Why then should the expectation be lower for a citizen of Canada or a visitor? Wait, I know – it’s because in Canada, only the criminals and the police carry handguns.

Goodness, I can see the cause for Walt’s fear. Stampedes kill people, and it probably ain’t a pleasant way to go! What is this Stampede that these nefarious ruffians spoke of, anyway?

Organized by thousands of volunteers and supported by civic leaders, the Calgary Stampede has grown into one of the world’s richest rodeos, one of Canada’s largest festivals and a significant tourist attraction for the city. Rodeo and chuckwagon racing events are televised across Canada.

Oh.

Walt, Walt, Walt. Maybe the problem isn’t park ruffians. Maybe the problem is that the Canadians aren’t the thugs here. Have you considered that? (Of course he hasn’t.)

Not at all surprisingly (or undeservedly), Canadians are not taking this outrage lying down. The situation became a Twitter meme for a time (#NoseHillGentlemen), and the Calgary Herald felt the need to confirm for readers that Walt Wawra’s letter was not a hoax.

Oh, and the two guys Walt thought he might have to shoot? They were event promoters giving out free tickets to Stampede. No wonder they looked “bewildered.” I hope the event organizers include something in the training for next year’s Stampede on how to approach skittish American tourists who seem to be wondering who needs to get got.

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Republican Homoeroticism

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20120815-232838.jpgGreat quote from John Cole on the fawning, occasionally drooling commentary on Paul Ryan:

The greatest irony of this election may be that one of the most anti-gay bigots in the House, Paul Ryan, who has been and will continue to be one of the most virulently anti-gay congressmen, will be the source of some of the biggest mancrush reporting we’ve ever seen. This stuff challenges even the thoroughly embarrassing David Brooks “Fifty Shades of Gay” reporting regarding John Thune that made us all hysterical, and you can bet your sweet ass we’ll be hearing this shit until we beat down these sociopathic Galtian douchebags on November 6th. This may be the gayest election ever (not that there is anything wrong with that), now that David Gregory and the rest of the lot have two full haired American beauties to dazzle them with their high cheekbones and lean bodies and to tell them they and the rest of the country will get the fiscal spanking they so clearly lust for and desire.

Photo credit: ‘Paul Ryan – Stoaty Weasel’ by ufansius, via Tumblr.

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That time when Austin out-snarked 4chan

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This picture of two guys dressed as pirates won’t make any sense unless you read the entire post.

Pepsi started a crowdsourcing campaign on Monday called “Dub the Dew,” where it asked consumers to submit suggestions for the name of a new flavor of Mountain Dew. (For my part, I’ve never been sure what regular Mountain Dew is supposed to taste like, other than a precursor to a stomachache. But I digress.) The company said that the new flavor would have “green apple attitude.” On the 21st-century internet, something that doofy could not be allowed to stand, so 4chan (or possibly Reddit) took up the cause. In less than a day, the campaign was over, as Pepsi said that “Dub the Dew definitely lost to The Internet.”

At the time Pepsi stopped the campaign, the leading candidates for the flavor name (remember the “green apple” theme) were “Hitler did nothing wrong,” “Gushing Granny,” and (my favorite) “Fapple.”

Internet trolls – 1, tired old corporation – 0

Before the denizens of that particular dark corner of the interwebz get too self-congratulatory, I posit that the citizens of Austin did one better last year. The city wanted to re-brand its Department of Solid Waste Services, so it asked for input from the community. The “Keep Austin Weird” community. See where this is going?

Officials with Austin’s Solid Waste Services expected to receive offbeat ideas when they asked residents to suggest a new name for the city department.

They didn’t expect the top online vote-getter to be Fred Durst Society of the Humanities and Arts , followed by, among others, Ministry of Filth , Hufflepuff , Lemon Party and Keep Austin Wasted.

The Fred Durst Society of the Humanities and Arts ultimately received more than 29,000 votes, but it was hardly the only, uh, interesting one.

Within hours, submittals were flooding the servers – witty entries like Fostering Energy Conser­vation and Ecological Sanitation, or FECES, and Austin Sustainability Services, or ASS, are a representative sampling of the dozens of anally fixated entries from users apparently under the illusion that SWS handles human solid waste, not trash. Another inspired submission was Get Our Austin Thoroughly Sanitized Everyone, or GOATSE – so named for the infamous Internet shock photo that, once seen, can’t be unseen. That entry has since been pulled, but as of this writing, Lemon Party – so named for another NSFW meme – is sitting pretty in fifth place.

But then there’s first place, and from this sea of puerile ass-hattery, “Fred Durst Society of the Humanities and Arts” stands out. You could call it a backhanded compliment – but bear in mind, it’s named for the frontman of a band that emerged from a giant toilet bowl on its first major tour. Kyle Hentges, the 24-year-old Austinite who initially suggested the society, e-mailed the Hustle, attaching a video clip he calls “part of his inspiration”: a mash-up of crunk diva Ke$ha’s autotune abortion “TiK ToK” cut with several of Durst’s Limp Bizkit singles, the aural equivalent of a Four Loko blackout bender.

I proposed an acronym that spelled out “POOPIE,” but I can’t remember what it stood for.

Once voting closed, Fred Durst had 29,796 votes, more than 27,000 more than the second-place finisher. At that point, the final decision was up to the city. That was in February 2011. As of right now, in August 2012, the city department is called Austin Resource Recovery, or ARR. Presumably this is due to our city’s love of pirates, of which I knew nothing until just now.

Photo credit: ‘PiratesPopCulture’ by Superdantastic (Themed) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Another Shooting

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Some guy walked into the Washington, D.C. headquarters of the Family Research Council this morning and shot a security guard in the arm. He reportedly said something about the FRC first, although the FBI has not said exactly what. Reports indicate that the alleged shooter volunteered for a LGBT community center, and he was in possession of “Chick-fil-A materials.” The security guard, Leo Johnson, managed to disarm and subdue the shooter, and is expected to recover fully from his injury. Bravo to him for controlling the situation without escalating, and for generally being a badass. As of right now (8:00 p.m. CDT), law enforcement says that the shooter’s motives remain unclear.

LGBT organizations moved quickly to condemn the shooting:

We were saddened to hear news of the shooting this morning at the offices of the Family Research Council. Our hearts go out to the shooting victim, his family, and his co-workers.

The motivation and circumstances behind today’s tragedy are still unknown, but regardless of what emerges as the reason for this shooting, we utterly reject and condemn such violence.  We wish for a swift and complete recovery for the victim of this terrible incident.

Atheist organizations did likewise:

While we disagree with the Family Research Council on nearly every issue, the debate surrounding the role of religion in the public sphere should be fought with reason and logic, not guns. We absolutely condemn this sort of senseless violence.

It really should go without saying that shooting sprees and attempted shooting sprees are never, ever, ever, EVER, EVER justified. Somehow that message does not get through. A common refrain after most shootings is that it was unpredictable, or that the shooter was mentally ill, or that we can’t possibly know the motivations behind it. Here, the alleged shooter went after a decidedly right-wing target, a rather rare (though not at all unprecedented) occurrence. The Family Research Council really does not support LGBT rights. So, of course, people on the right now blame LGBT-supportive groups for the shooting. While many on the right were focused on the injured guard and were actually allowing the investigation to proceed, not everyone was so patient:

“Today’s attack is the clearest sign we’ve seen that labeling pro-marriage groups as ‘hateful’ must end,” Brian Brown, the president of the National Organization for Marriage, said in a statement.

That’s not going to happen. See, I happen to agree that people jumped the gun after the shootings in Tucson last year, even if many Republicans’ rhetoric made the argument plausible. If it was wrong to jump to conclusions then, it’s wrong now. Furthermore, the FRC is hateful, unless you believe that the precious religious fee-fees of one particular subset of the Christian faith are more important than the basic ability of LGBT individuals to live their own lives as their hearts and consciences dictate. I have neither the ability nor the desire to give the FRC the benefit of the doubt on its stances, and I can easily condemn the shooting without giving one iota of credence to their regressive, Bronze Age superstitions. (Note that I am disdainful of their policy positions. I have no hatred towards the actual people, but I do think they are wrong. Unlike sexual orientation, political opinions can change.)

And that’s really the thing: groups that stand in stark opposition to everything for which the FRC stands have unequivocally condemned today’s incident. I’m not aware of many other acts of violence of this type perpetrated against those who oppose LGBT rights, but here’s what I do know:

  • Approximately 1,296 hate crimes were perpetrated against LGBT individuals in 2007, including five murders, 242 aggravated assaults, and 448 simple assaults (via Human Rights Campaign, PDF file).
  • There were about 1,254 anti-LGBT hate crimes in 2009 (via CNN).
  • Between 2009 and 2010, the number of anti-LGBT hate crimes increased by thirteen percent, including twenty-seven murders (via USA Today). Based on CNN’s 2009 figures, that would be 1,417 incidents.

I am not suggesting that the FRC was behind any of these incidents, nor am I suggesting that the FRC’s rhetoric was what specifically inspired any of the assailants. There is similarly no reason to assume that today’s shooter was specifically motivated by any rhetoric of GLAAD, or the Southern Poverty Law Center, or any other group that advocates for the rights and basic humanity of LGBT individuals. Still, these LGBT rights groups have condemned today’s shootings. What has the FRC ever done for victims of anti-LGBT hate crimes? Not much. I don’t have statistics for 2008, but for 2007, 2009, and 2010, I count 3,967 statements of support to hate crime victims that the FRC owes, and then the FRC and its supporters can justifiably criticize its opponents’ rhetoric.

One final note: I assume Leo Johnson was armed, yet he managed to tackle the shooter, disarm him, and detain him until police arrived, apparently without ever using his own weapon. Again, bravo to him. I wish him a speedy recovery.

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