The Tale of My Fictitious Great-Grandfather

320px-Gerbil_close-up_faceMy great-grandfather worked every day of his life, starting at the age of seven, and never owned a pair of shoes. By the time he was fifty, he had amassed a fortune of $1,000, which for the 1890’s would be worth about $100 billion today.

Then he was eaten by a pack of gerbils while trying to save a little boy who fell down a well.

There are no monuments to my great-grandfather, no songs that honor him, and no federal holiday that bears his name. But I know this, everything that happened to my great-grandfather was Barack Obama’s fault (except the good stuff. We can give Ronald Reagan credit for that.)

[Editor’s note: This was a random stream-of-consciousness Facebook comment I left this morning inspired by this article.]

Photo credit: “Gerbil close-up face” by Dan Foy from Nottingham, England [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Hello, I’m the Twenty-Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution. I Don’t Believe We’ve Met.

578107_78992564As we all know by now, presidential candidate Mitt Romney thinks that just under half of the country does not take full responsibility for their own lives, blah blah blah. No need to rehash all of that here. The meme has, rather interestingly, coincided with another Republican cause célèbre, voter ID laws. (Note to right-wingers: I will understand if you are uncomfortable using the French phrase “cause célèbre.” If you prefer, you may use the alternate phrase, “freedom fame.”)

Specifically, a Pennsylvania Republican is not concerned about possible disenfranchisement from the law he is sponsoring, apparently because people without photo ID just aren’t taking enough responsibility for their lives:

As Pennsylvania’s strict voter ID law returns to the lower court for reconsideration, its original sponsor, Rep. Daryl Metcalfe (R-PA), told KDKA Radio Wednesday morning that his law will only disenfranchise “lazy” people, like the ones Mitt Romney was talking about in the leaked video of a private fundraiser.

When pressed on the issue, Rep. Metcalfe had this to say:

“I don’t believe any legitimate voter that actually wants to exercise that right and takes on the according responsiblity that goes with that right to secure their photo ID will be disenfranchised. As Mitt Romney said, 47% of the people that are living off the public dole, living off their neighbors’ hard work, and we have a lot of people out there that are too lazy to get up and get out there and get the ID they need. If individuals are too lazy, the state can’t fix that.” [Emphasis added]

He is both right and wrong, but let me first say this: Republicans, you have a problem with the word “legitimate.” Seriously, you should consider not using that word for a long while.

Now then, Rep. Metcalfe is right that the state cannot compel a “lazy” person to take an interest in politics or society. I would think that would be obvious. Here’s the rub, though: the state cannot compel a person to jump through arbitrary hoops to participate in society. Rep. Metcalfe is placing the blame on people who have lived their lives, by all accounts perfectly well, without the documents that he now says they need in order to vote. I call bullshit.

The people affected by Rep. Metcalfe’s proposed law would need to obtain documentation, typically at a cost, in order to participate in their own democracy. Study after study has shown that voter ID laws are a solution in search of a problem. The only reason certain people would need to obtain a driver’s license or other photo ID, therefore, would be to vote. It would be an expense solely associated with the act of voting, and there is a name for that: a poll tax.

Meet the Twenty-Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution, ratified in 1964:

SECTION 1. The right of citizens of the United States to vote in any primary or other election for President or Vice President, for electors for President or Vice President, or for Senator or Representative in Congress, shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any State by reason of failure to pay any poll tax or other tax.

SECTION 2. The Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

Efforts to make people incur expense as a condition of voting has quite the dirty history in this country. Let’s not tiptoe back into our utterly-backwards past whilst trying to blame it on a mythical “lazy” class of people, okay?

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This Week in WTF, September 21, 2012

320px-US_Navy_110309-N-FG395-007_The_Los_Angeles-class_attack_submarine_USS_Pittsburgh_(SSN_720)_pulls_into_Naval_Submarine_Base_Kings_Bay_a_routine_port– The commander of a U.S. nuclear submarine reportedly tried to end an affair by faking his own death, specifically by sending the woman a fake e-mail saying he had been killed. She then showed up at his house to express condolences as a “friend,” which kind of ruined the plan. I’m sorry, did I say “commander” of a nuclear submarine. That should say “former commander.” You can probably connect the dots.

– A teenager in Phoenix had a habit of sitting in a tree while waiting for the object of his youthful crush to come home from school every day. Before you start thinking this is the premise for a quirky romantic comedy, when I said “sitting in a tree,” I meant to say “sitting in a tree and masturbating.” He got caught because, and I quote, he “missed his signal” that indicated she was approaching. Since he missed the signal, she caught a full view of him in flagrante delicto with himself. At this point, I don’t want to make jokes anymore, because this (and I can’t believe I still have to say this) is not cool. To drive home the point that this kid has not yet gotten the memo about respecting girls as equal members of humanity, the news story says:

He said he eventually stopped following the girl around because her mother confronted him, and Murray didn’t want the girl’s mother to think that he was stalking her daughter.

However, police allege that sitting in trees and waiting to watch a girl walk home qualifies as stalking.

Gee, ya think?

– A fraternity at Loyola University in Chicago tried to get around zoning restrictions by claiming, based on its mission statement “In the Service of God and Man,” that it is a monastic order exempted from the zoning ordinance. As such, it argued, city officials violated its equal protection rights by denying it a permit. A federal judge disagreed, ruling that it is, in fact, a fraternity. I’m not sure if it’s one of those party fraternities or a service fraternity, but either way, its members are not monks.

– An Asian-fusion restaurant in New York City refused to host a wedding rehearsal dinner for a same-sex couple because, and I am not making this up, “the owner’s son said gay parties are bad for ‘feng shui.'” The restaurant also fired the manager who booked the dinner. The couple is now suing the restaurant. I suppose the restaurant could argue that gay people have an irresistible urge to rearrange furniture, and that it has a constitutional right to manage its own feng shui. Maybe it could introduce old Queer Eye episodes into evidence.

Photo credit: “US Navy 110309-N-FG395-007 The Los Angeles-class attack submarine USS Pittsburgh (SSN 720) pulls into Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay a routine port” by U.S. Navy, photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class James Kimber [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Generalissimo Romney

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Via Huffington Post

The latest gaffe (metedura de pata en español) from the Romney camp involves a question of skin tone. I honestly cannot believe I am writing this.

Mitt Romney appeared to be a touch more tanned during an TV interview for Spanish-language channel Univision on Wednesday, prompting suggestions the Republican leader had piled on the make up to make himself more appealing to Latino voters.

I desperately want to call bullshit on this, so that I may continue to cling to a modicum of sanity in this world.

I’m not the only one. Adam Mordechai at Upworthy posits a few hypotheses, and I fully expect to see some good SNL skits about this soon. I just have two comments to direct to the floundering presidential candidates.

1. Don’t refer to anyone as an “illegal alien.” I would say don’t do that on Univision (seriously, what is wrong with you?) in particular, but just don’t say it anywhere.

2. You’ve got a meme here, Señor. I say own it. If you have the ability to transition between former Massachusetts Governor Romney and Generalissimo Romney, you need to own that shit. You might not be the first Generalissimo, but you could be the greatest.

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Dear Chick-Fil-A: Would You Like a Cookie?

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Your waffle-fry powers are useless on me

Chick-Fil-A apparently announced this week that it will no longer give huge gobs of money to anti-gay groups, according to an advocacy group in Chicago.

Of course, it also turns out that the company’s, ahem, charitable foundation, the WinShape Foundation, promoted a fundraiser for an anti-gay group earlier this week, according to The Advocate (h/t Louren).

This reminds me of all the times I have sworn that the chili cheeseburger in my hand is my last one before I start my diet and exercise regimen. (I say that a lot.) Chick-Fil-A will stop funding anti-gay groups, but they’re just so damn tasty!!! (This is a fun metaphor.)

Allow me to give Chick-Fil-A the benefit of the doubt however, and presume that they really, really mean it this time, and they’re really, really going to stop giving money to those anti-gay groups, you know, after this event is over. (To be fair, The Advocate reported that WinShape asked donors not to send checks to them, but directly to the Marriage and Family Foundation. Because telling people where to send their money is completely different from collecting it yourself, amirite?)

So Chick-Fil-A will stop giving money to these groups. Congratulations, Chick-Fil-A, you have taken your first step towards basic human decency.

Here's a trophy!Do you want a cookie or something?

I’m serious. All you have done with this announcement is meet the baseline standard of common human decency. This does not make you a good company, nor does it make your leaders good people. I hesitate even to say it makes them “not-bad” people. Just as no one got major props for not clubbing baby seals anymore, all you get from me for this is a “well it’s about damn time.”

You’ve started to prove that you have the capacity to not be dicks (you’re not there yet, though.) Now impress us.

Photo credit: ‘Chick-Fil-A Fries’ by J. Reed (Flickr) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Constitution Day Celebration

ACC's Constitution Day event, September 18, 2012I had the opportunity this past Tuesday, September 18, 2012, to serve as a facilitator at Austin Community College’s annual Constitution Day event. I got to lead a group of ACC students in a discussion of a constitutional issue. After the discussion, each group has two students get up: one to argue for the constitutionality of the subject, and one to argue against it. This was the second year I have participated, and for all that I joke about warping the minds of America’s youth, it is a truly great experience to help people explore these issues. The students range in age from high school to retired, and from painfully shy to please-let-someone-else-speak.

My table’s question dealt with the assassination of Anwar al-Aulaqi (sometimes spelled “Awlaki”), an American citizen living in Yemen. After he was linked to al-Qaeda, the Fort Hood shooter, and the “Underwear Bomber,” he was placed on a CIA assassination list. An unmanned drone killed him and several others in Yemen on September 30, 2011. The question, in essence, was this: since al-Aulaqi was a natural-born U.S. citizen (born in Las Cruces, New Mexico), did his placement on a “kill list” without trial or conviction violate his rights under the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution? Discuss.

Discussion Topic from ACC's Constitution Day event, September 18, 2012

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Ten years later, you still can’t take the sky from me

Ten years ago today, a Golden Age of television began. Though it only lasted three months, we still feel its impact today. I am talking, of course, about the premiere of Joss Whedon’s Firefly on September 20, 2002.

There is no way to do the show justice in the format of a blog post. Since it was one of the most quotable shows in television history, I’ll let the coda of the pilot episode, “Serenity,” speak for me. (For those unfamiliar with the show, Captain Malcolm Reynolds commands a Firefly-class ship named Serenity. He has taken on two fugitives, a young doctor and his sister, who are on the run from the fascist-like Alliance. In the final scene of the pilot, Mal has offered the doctor, Simon, and his sister a place on the ship):

Simon: I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can… How do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep?

Mal: You don’t know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.

Simon: Are you always this sentimental?

Mal: I had a good day.

Simon: You had the Alliance on you… criminals and savages… half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself… and you’re harboring known fugitives.

Mal: We’re still flying.

Simon: That’s not much.

Mal: It’s enough.

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The show had a small following during its run, myself included, and I tried to do my part to support it. Perhaps one of my most-prized possessions is this thank-you note I received from the “Cast & Crew” of the show. It would have been cooler if they had all signed it, but I’m not really that greedy.

Firefly‘s release on DVD brought it much of its fame. That, and the anguished cries of people who never saw it on television yet wanted to know how such a good show could have such a short run. I suspect Firefly‘s DVD popularity helped prove the viability of releasing whole TV seasons (or shows) as DVD sets. Fan pressure even helped get a feature film made that, disappointingly but aptly, wrapped up some of the longer threads of the series. (Fun fact: the dead city on the planet Miranda in the movie is actually a high school campus in Pomona, California.)

It would make me sound like an annoying Whedon fanboy to say that Firefly was ahead of its time, that the television-watching masses were not ready for this type of show, or that Fox condemned the show from the start with bad marketing and scheduling. All of those things are true to some extent, but let’s just take a moment to appreciate that good television shows do exist. As that guy in Blade Runner said, the light that shines twice as bright only burns half as long. That quote probably applies here somehow.

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Stop! Grammar Time! “A” versus “An”

500px-EgyptianA-01.svgA discussion on Facebook not too long ago addressed how to use indefinite articles with abbreviations. Specifically, the question involved the abbreviation “FB” in place of “Facebook.” Should one write “a FB friend” or “an FB friend”?

It depends entirely on whether you would actually say the letters “FB” out loud or if you instantly translate that to “Facebook.” The use of “a” or “an” depends on whether the word that follows begins with a vowel sound or not. Even if you don’t move your lips when you read, you probably still hear the words as they are spoken in your head as you read (unless you are hearing impaired, in which case please accept my apologies.)

To provide an example:

“Don’t worry if the dominatrix breaks the skin. She’s an M.D., after all.”

versus

“Don’t worry if the dominatrix breaks the skin. She’s a medical doctor, after all.”

Things get a bit confusing where the letter “h” is concerned, but the same rule applies. I have long been confused by terms like “an historic event,” because they seem to violate the “vowel sound” rule.

The use of “an” before some “h” words, such as “historic” or “habitual,” is apparently more a British and Canadian thing, arising from accents that do not do much with the “h” sound. If you have an accent that would cause you to say “‘Enry ‘Iggins” instead of “Henry Higgins,” then you would certainly say “an ‘istoric event.” Otherwise, stick to “a historic event.” Do it for the sake of people like me, please.

Photo credit: “EgyptianA-01” by Unicode script proposal for Basic Egyptian Hieroglyphs, en.wiki: en:User:Nohat . Vectorization: Chabacano [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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An Open Letter to Cicurina venii, the $15 Million Spider

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Because I find spiders terrifying, here’s an adorable slow loris

Dear Cicurina venii,

May I call you by your scientific name, or do you prefer your more common name, the Braken Bat Cave meshweaver?

At any rate, I have never made a secret of the fact that I do not much like your kind (meaning spiders), as I tend to find you creepy. I know that you and most of your cousins here in Texas mean us no harm, and that it’s just the black widows and brown recluses that pose any real danger to us humans. You spiders have just always rubbed me the wrong way. I suppose it is because of that time in kindergarten when I reached out my hand to lean on a wall at recess and felt something soft and furry, only to discover a large (relative to my 6 year-old size) wolf spider at my fingertip. I know that’s not your fault, and I know it’s not fair to blame an entire order of arachnids for a mild youthful scare, so I apologize for the aspersions I have cast on your kind over the years.

I write to you now, in fact, to welcome you back to the public eye. I read that you recently reappeared after an absence of more than a decade, showing up at a construction site in San Antonio. In fact, no one even knew you existed until 1980, and no one saw you again until a few weeks ago. You’ve been on the endangered species list since 2000. This means that your sudden and unexpected appearance stopped a highway construction project in its tracks. It sounds like you’ve got quite a home for yourself there in northwest San Antonio, with a whole network of caves. The news says that you’re blind, so I suppose you can’t quite appreciate how much the city has changed around you since the last time people saw you.

I hope that we can find a way to live together. You should know that you’ve made a lot of people angry. They’re really angry with the government for enforcing the laws protecting you as an endangered species, but you get caught in the crossfire, and that’s too bad. I know you just want to live down there in your cave, scurrying around doing spider stuff. You didn’t ask for this kind of attention, but unfortunately, you’ve got it.

For my part, I want to thank you for reminding us all that protecting endangered species isn’t just about protecting cute pandas and majestic eagles. It is also about protecting blind, cave-dwelling, eight-legged beasts like you. You may terrify me, even if you are less than an inch long, but you ought to have a chance to use this planet along with the rest of us.

Photo credit: ‘Nycticebus coucang 003’ by David Haring / Duke Lemur Center (email) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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