Tag Archives: This Week in WTF

This Week in WTF, September 21, 2012

Posted on by
Reply

320px-US_Navy_110309-N-FG395-007_The_Los_Angeles-class_attack_submarine_USS_Pittsburgh_(SSN_720)_pulls_into_Naval_Submarine_Base_Kings_Bay_a_routine_port– The commander of a U.S. nuclear submarine reportedly tried to end an affair by faking his own death, specifically by sending the woman a fake e-mail saying he had been killed. She then showed up at his house to express condolences as a “friend,” which kind of ruined the plan. I’m sorry, did I say “commander” of a nuclear submarine. That should say “former commander.” You can probably connect the dots.

– A teenager in Phoenix had a habit of sitting in a tree while waiting for the object of his youthful crush to come home from school every day. Before you start thinking this is the premise for a quirky romantic comedy, when I said “sitting in a tree,” I meant to say “sitting in a tree and masturbating.” He got caught because, and I quote, he “missed his signal” that indicated she was approaching. Since he missed the signal, she caught a full view of him in flagrante delicto with himself. At this point, I don’t want to make jokes anymore, because this (and I can’t believe I still have to say this) is not cool. To drive home the point that this kid has not yet gotten the memo about respecting girls as equal members of humanity, the news story says:

He said he eventually stopped following the girl around because her mother confronted him, and Murray didn’t want the girl’s mother to think that he was stalking her daughter.

However, police allege that sitting in trees and waiting to watch a girl walk home qualifies as stalking.

Gee, ya think?

– A fraternity at Loyola University in Chicago tried to get around zoning restrictions by claiming, based on its mission statement “In the Service of God and Man,” that it is a monastic order exempted from the zoning ordinance. As such, it argued, city officials violated its equal protection rights by denying it a permit. A federal judge disagreed, ruling that it is, in fact, a fraternity. I’m not sure if it’s one of those party fraternities or a service fraternity, but either way, its members are not monks.

– An Asian-fusion restaurant in New York City refused to host a wedding rehearsal dinner for a same-sex couple because, and I am not making this up, “the owner’s son said gay parties are bad for ‘feng shui.'” The restaurant also fired the manager who booked the dinner. The couple is now suing the restaurant. I suppose the restaurant could argue that gay people have an irresistible urge to rearrange furniture, and that it has a constitutional right to manage its own feng shui. Maybe it could introduce old Queer Eye episodes into evidence.

Photo credit: “US Navy 110309-N-FG395-007 The Los Angeles-class attack submarine USS Pittsburgh (SSN 720) pulls into Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay a routine port” by U.S. Navy, photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class James Kimber [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

Share

This Week in WTF, September 14, 2012

Posted on by
Reply

– Obie, a 5 year-old Dachshund from Oregon, weighs seventy-seven pounds, qualifying him as “morbidly obese.” His elderly owners, whose health was failing, reportedly couldn’t properly care for him anymore, so they “loved him with food.” They eventually gave Obie to Oregon Dachshund Rescue, where he is getting some serious rehabilitation. Good luck, little guy!

– The owner of an Arlington, Texas strip club called “Flashdancer” (the club, not the owner) pleaded guilty to, uh, just read it:

The owner of an Arlington, Texas strip club pleaded guilty Thursday to trying to hire hitmen to kill the mayor and a Dallas attorney, after the city forced his club to close.

– In a poll that asked likely voters in Ohio who was more responsible for the death of Osama bin Laden: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney………..hold on a second. Let me begin with a declaratory WTF that a poll even poses a question about apportioning credit  for the death of Osama bin Laden between the President of the United States and an unemployed guy. Who comes up with this stuff? Was it a practical joke on Ohio? At any rate, fifteen percent of Ohio Republicans seem to think that Romney deserves more credit than President Obama, presumably because shut up you socialist.

– A Hooters restaurant in Queens now faces a lawsuit after a server allegedly printed an unkind racial slur on a receipt for a Korean-American couple. A 17 year-old hostess apparently confessed and promptly resigned.

– Four Americans died in Libya this week, and of course it is affecting the presidential campaign. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.

Share

This Week in WTF, August 24, 2012

Posted on by
Reply

320px-Gerber_Machete

Definitely not baby food. I now profusely apologize for any mockery and ask that you please not lacerate me.

– A recent recall announcement from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reads: “Gerber Recalls Machetes Due to Laceration Hazard.” As it turns out, this is not Gerber, the well-known manufacturer of baby food. It is Gerber Legendary Blades, of Portland, Oregon, the company that makes machetes that might cut you. I’m just glad they caught that in time. (To be fair, it sounds like a pretty serious potential hazard: “A weakness in the area where the handle meets the blade can cause the handle or the blade to break during use, posing a laceration hazard.”)

– A strip club owner in Tampa, Florida does not expect the upcoming Republican National Convention, less than six miles from his club, to bring him much business. Time will tell.

– Speaking of Tampa, Rush Limbaugh thinks that President Obama instructed the National Hurricane Center to announce the risk of Tropical Storm Isaac possibly hitting Tampa around the time of the convention. He also said something about turning the convention into a FEMA camp, and then I think an Alien larva burst out of his chest and offered a more sensible take on the news. (NOTE: I might have imagined that last part. The comments about the tropical storm actually happened.)

– A reporter, formerly of the Houston Chronicle, is complaining to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission of sex discrimination. The newspaper fired her in March, allegedly because she neglected to tell them of her other job as a stripper. In what I am certain is a total coincidence, Gloria Allred represents her.

– A casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey neglected to check a shipment of playing cards to confirm that they had been shuffled. They had not been shuffled. Gamblers caught on and won $1.5 million, give or take. The casino is suing the card company, but they’re also suing the winning gamblers for violating the “house always wins” clause.

– A so-bad-he’s-really-bad comedian launches into an absurdly racist routine in front of a young Asian couple and gets (justifiably) knocked out:

Photo credit: ‘Gerber Machete’ by Dana60Cummins (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

Share

This Week in WTF, July 27, 2012

Posted on by
Reply

– One of the more, uh, creative members of the Texas State Board of Education, Ken Mercer, tries to blame liberals or communists or somebody for changes to the social studies curriculum that he himself made–specifically, the removal of the terms “free market” and “free enterprise.” He presumably figures most people will not actually do the research to see that he is lying, nor will they read anything in the “librul meedeeyuh” that would prove his pants are on fire. He’s right about that, at least (h/t Texas Freedom Network)

– Michelle Bachmann has finally found a way to bring Republicans and Democrats together with her tomfoolery over Huma Abedin, aide to Secretary of State Clinton. I doubt that was Bachmann’s intent, of course, since I have my doubts that she can see the consequences of her own actions more than about thirty seconds into the future. I also haven’t ruled out the possibility that she is actually a cyborg sent back in time from a future America that has already had to endure a Romney and a Palin presidency and derives most of its GDP desperately trying to sell tickets to a nationwide network of creation museums and theme parks to Canadian tourists. If that is the case, I assume the cyborg will be built in China, Japan, or India, because there’s no way we would have the wherewithal to do it here.

– Louie Gohmert, Bryan Fischer, and even Rick Warren test the limits of humanity.

– Chick-Fil-A. That gets its own post.

– Sally Ride was the first American woman, and only the third woman in history, to go to space. She was about as true a pioneer as America is ever likely to have. She could not have served as a den mother, though.

Share