It’s tough being a man in today’s world, right, fellas? I mean, threats to our masculinity are everywhere, and as everyone knows, masculinity is both all-powerful and more delicate than the finest porcelain china. Stare too long at the color pink, and risk the whole thing shattering around you. Then, once your masculinity is gone, all you can do is, uh…..
Well, I actually have no idea because everything I just said is ridiculous bullshit.
Anyway, a dilemma for many men is this: How can they enjoy iced coffee without drawing the attention of insecure sad sacks who think iced coffee isn’t sufficiently manly to meet some arbitrary standard?
You could ignore the sad sacks in favor of people who might actually be interesting, or you could drink iced coffee specially formulated for men (or at least cynically marketed to them):
Yes, that’s right, fellas—lest we forget, “man” is a job title.
What does the job of “man” entail? Fuck if I know, but I know for damn sure that froofy coffee drinks ain’t part of it, amirite???
It’s so hard to be a man these days, right, fellas? Everything in the world is getting so dang….well, I don’t quite want to say girly, but it’s something…. As we all know, manhood is the epitome of strength and courage, yet at the same time it is so fragile that the mere sight of the color pink, let alone an inappropriately long hug between two dudes, might send the entire edifice of manhood crashing down in a cascade of testosterony chaos.
“Femininity is depicted as weakness, the sapping of strength, yet masculinity is so fragile that apparently even the slightest brush with the feminine destroys it.” –Gwen Sharp (via unfocus)
There is hope, though. Consumer culture has made a heroic effort to help us hold on to our fleeting masculinity. We have specially-formulated (I assume) manly calories in our low-carb soft drinks. We have the guyet, a masculine alternative to girly diets. And whatever would we do without brogurt, which is totally a real thing.
At least one huge, glaring hole in our defensive edifices remains, though, and it yawns mockingly before us, almost as though it were laughing at our feeble efforts to kindle the dying embers of our manhood. Obviously, I’m talking about internet password generators, but you need cower in the shadows no more!
Web developer John Polacek, working with the Draftcb Open Source Project, has created Passwords for the Manly Man (h/t Jeff). Its passwords are “so strong and secure they breach the gates of hell.” I tried it, and was in fact able to log on to Hell’s servers. (It was disappointing. The porn was pretty meh.)
So crack open a Dr. Pepper Ten, help yourself to some brogurt, and enjoy a manly internet experience with a manly password. Just don’t try to hug me, dude.