Apparently the Republican debate tonight, in which ten candidates will be participating, will be limited to a total of two hours, including commercials. If we assume 18 minutes of commercials per hour (it seems like most hour-long TV shows are around 42 minutes long without commercials), that means that, if we ignore the time needed for the moderators to ask questions, each candidate will get 8 minutes and 24 seconds total—assuming they divvy up the time evenly.
The ten participants, according to Politico, are Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, Chris Christie, and John Kasich.
A summary of recent polls at Real Clear Politics shows Christie in last place out of this set of ten candidates, with 2.4 percent.
I have a suggestion for Gov. Christie.
It’s over, man. Surely you know that. I know it must be hard, trailing like this. You’re probably as much of a dick as Donald Trump, but you’re just not the right kind of dick for Republican primary voters. Maybe that’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. That said, though, you can still go out in a blaze of surrealist—even Dadaist—glory tonight.
You have 8 minutes and 24 seconds up there on stage. Don’t wait for questions, or an invitation to make an opening statement. Just demand to be heard, and then stare directly into the camera—directly into America’s eyes, pull out your phone, and play “American Pie” by Don McLean.
All of American Pie” by Don McLean.
All 8 minutes and 33 seconds of its glory, because what better way to show your overwhelming Americanness than by fixing your determined, gritty stare into this great nation’s soul as you play the anthem of a generation that honors some of America’s musical greats?
I don’t just mean Buddy Holly either, Gov. Christie. I’m talking about the Big Bopper, because you, Governor, are the political Big Bopper of our age.
Yes, I realize that, at 8 minutes and 33 seconds, “American Pie” exceeds your alloted time by 9 seconds. You know what I say? I say take those 9 seconds, Governor, because they are yours. They are yours because America!!!
(Bonus points if you can convince Jeb! Bush to use his time to sing “La Bamba.”)
Do it, Governor. History will love you for it, and to be beloved by history is far better than some stupid president job.