This Week in WTF, May 29, 2015

– I think of all the education that I missed…: A teacher in Texas is facing criminal charges in connection with allegedly giving a 15-year-old student a “full contact lap dance” in class. For his birthday, authorities claim:

The teen told investigators that he sat in a chair next to Smith’s desk as she moved back and forth on his crotch and touched him all over his body. Near the end of the dance, the student said Smith sank to her knees and put her head between his legs. The incident reportedly happened in front of the other students during class.

The student admitted that he spanked Smith’s buttocks a couple of times, according to KHOU.

Because of course he did.

– Just tell me this—is there a Klondike Bar in it for me?: What would you do to achieve “internet fame”? Would you light yourself on fire while being recorded, and post the video online? No? Well, the you’re smarter than these kids (h/t Jack).

– It’s just a drink. It’s just a drink. It’s just…: It took a jury in Florida fifteen minutes to convict two people of having sex on the beach. Not the drink, the sex (h/t Amy):

Jose Caballero, 40, and Elissa Alvarez, 20, were charged with two counts each of lewd and lascivious behavior for having sex on a public beach on July 20, 2014.

Video played in the courtroom during the 1- 1/2-day-long trial showed Alvarez moving on top of Caballero in a sexual manner in broad daylight. Witnesses testified that a 3-year-old girl saw them.

Both Caballero and Alvarez will now have to register as sex offenders.

I bet the MRAs will have a field day with this part:

A sentencing date was not announced, but Assistant State Attorney Anthony Dafonseca said they will pursue a harsher sentence for Caballero than Alvarez, since Alvarez has no prior record and Caballero has been to prison for almost eight years for a cocaine trafficking conviction.

The state will ask for jail time for Alvarez and prison time for Caballero. Dafonseca said due to Caballero being out of prison less than three years before committing another felony, he’s looking at serving the maximum time of 15 years.

The woman was sentenced to time served, while the man is scheduled for sentencing on July 6. The prosecutor has apparently walked back claims that he’ll seek the 15-year maximum sentence.


Pictured: Nothing you ever want to try (via

– Wherever two or more are gathered…: I did not expect Christian swingers. No one expects Christian swingers (h/t GSHMP).

A devout Christian couple from Florida are championing an unusual evangelism technique – swinging.

Christy and Dean Parave met online eight years ago, and began swinging after being approached in a DIY store.


“God has put me here to spread his word and our lifestyle community is a great place to do it,” Dean told Barcroft Media.

“You can’t get closer to someone than having sex with them.”

He believes that he’s been given a unique opportunity to share his faith with those who might otherwise never hear about Jesus.

“I’m getting to people that will probably never even visit a church,” he said.

“God’s not gonna put a lion with a bunch of elephants, so what’s he gonna do? He’s gonna put a swinger with a bunch of swingers to spread his word. Simple as that.”

That……actually kind of makes sense, within a certain context.

– And now for something completely disturbing: Suppose you survived a bout with Ebola. Good for you, good for modern medicine, and congratulations on having access to modern medicine!

Here’s the twist in the third act: The CDC has stated that the Ebola virus may be able to survive long past you have been “cured” of the disease….in your semen. (I guess this only applies to people who produce semen.) So wear condoms, like, for the rest of your life, or until further notice (h/t Laura).

– I guess we’re known for more than our breakfast tacos: Men’s Health magazine recently undertook a (I’m sure) highly-scientific study to identify the most “sex-crazed” cities in the United States (h/t Kristen). Coming in at number 1? Our very own Austin, Texas, followed closely, for some reason, by Dallas.

What does this all mean? Amazingly enough, I don’t care.

In semi-related news, West Sixth Street has been named one of “America’s 12 bro-iest neighborhoods” (h/t Brent). Thanks for letting me know I should continue avoiding that area on weekends.

– And now for something completely predictable: A few years ago, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN), which oversees domain names for most of the internet, announced that it was dramatically expanding the range of top-level domains (“TLDs,” i.e. .com, .org, .edu, .us, .uk, etc.) and allowing people to reserve new TLDs for some ridiculous 5- or 6-figure fee.

Now, ICANN is having trouble with various businesses who are upset about the “.sucks” TLD. It makes sense—I have to imagine that, say, Apple would not want someone registering “” as a domain name. The company that ICANN chose to operate “.sucks” is apparently asking for a bit more than the usual $15/year or so that it costs to register a .com domain, just to get companies to “defensively” register their own names and brands.

It makes me wonder what ICANN thought people would use the “.sucks” TLD for, if not to extort small sums of money from big-name brands. I can’t think of any other use for it, and I’ve been thinking about it for at least the last five minutes.


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