– It’s dangerous to go alone!: Video game-themed condoms were once a real thing, and maybe still are. I can’t decide which one is currently destroying my childhood the most: “Sextris,” “Donkey Schlong,” or “The Long End of Zelda.” (I’m not even sure what that last one means.)
– Will that be on the test?: I’m not going to pick on this law school professor too much. I mean, who hasn’t sent a mass email to one’s students and almost accidentally sent a link to anal bead porn instead of a law blog post? She just wasn’t as lucky as the rest of us, you know? But we’ve all been there.
– I bet his face is red. Literally.: A convicted murderer in Nebraska was apparently trying to pull a Charles Manson by carving a symbol into his face. Instead of a swastika, though, he opted for “666”—known to Iron Maiden fans the world over as the number of the Beast. Anyway, one advantage presented by the swastika is its radial symmetry. Even if you’re a bit off, it’s still pretty much a swastika. The number of the Beast, however, really has to be oriented correctly, or else it might look like “999.”
Shorter version of this story: A convicted murdered in Nebraska carved the United Kingdom’s emergency phone number into his forehead.
– If you’ve got nothing to hide…: I’ve never been a fan of the idea that if you have nothing to hide, you shouldn’t care all that much about surveillance and all that. It’s not a good long-term attitude for a society to take. This awkwardly segues into the way social media technology is enabling people to publicize more and more of their daily activities, pretty much entirely voluntarily.
I have never understood Venmo, the payment app that doubles as a social network. You send payments, and then the app tells everyone in your network what you just did. There is an appeal for teenagers that I won’t delve into here, but it would seem like it ought to be self-evident that if you don’t want the entire freaking world to know about certain financial transactions, you should not conduct those transactions on Venmo. You certainly should not accept payments for illegal drugs that way.
Michael Getzler, a sophomore at Columbia University, was arrested on Thursday on multiple charges for allegedly dealing drugs, and his customers are freaking the fuck out because Getzler accepted payment through the mobile pay app Venmo.
This is a problem because Venmo is essentially a social network, and all the transactions are made public, with the fun benefit of each payment having a description. Getzler, aware of this, demanded that his customers always write something funny for these descriptions.
The people who bought drugs from this guy and paid through Venmo don’t look any less idiotic, by the way. They might actually be more idiotic, since they had to come up with drug jokes every time they paid the guy. There might not be enough facepalm in the world.