Here’s something a grown adult apparently said recently:
A Turkish televangelist has taken masturbation guilt to a whole new level that even puts the Catholic Church to shame.
Mücahid Cihad Han, a Muslim preacher, was fielding the questions of viewers on his television show this Sunday, when one distressed caller asked him about masturbation.
The caller said he that he keeps masturbating although he’s married, even doing the forbidden deed during the “Umrah,” which is the pilgrimage to Mecca performed by Muslims.
From the Hurriyet Daily News:
After repeating the question a few times, Han claimed that Islam strictly prohibits masturbation as a “haram” (forbidden) act. “Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said, referring to what he claimed to be a saying of Prophet Muhammad.
[Emphasis added.]
Pregnant hands? I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and ponder how that might even work, and, well, I’m going to get a bit crude here.
In order for hands to get “pregnant,” they’d need certain organs not normally found in the hands or forearms. The uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes, obviously, but also……..is this guy saying that, in the afterlife, some men will have vaginas on their hands?
Is he saying that, as a punishment for masturbation in this world, a man might find himself with vaginas on his hands in the afterlife????
Setting aside the physical implausibility of having handginas (and again, I feel the need to be blunt), in what possible sense, from the standpoint of someone who masturbated in life, is that a punishment?????!????? That just takes masturbation to an entirely new level! (My inner 14-year-old is giddy about this idea.)
Here are a few things I found when I Googled “hand vagina”:
- Nathalie Cohen | Vagina Hand Print [You can have your very own for only €10.00! –Ed.]
- Things you learn with an entire hand inside your vagina. The Pervocracy, November 11, 2010
- 29 Things Everyone With A Vagina Should Definitely Know, Carolyn Kystra, BuzzFeed, October 23, 2014
- Vagina vs. vulva, Grammarist
- 20 Things That Look Like Female Genitals, Tanner Ringerud, BuzzFeed, September 20, 2010
- How To Feel Like I’m Putting My Punis [sic] Into A Vagina? UnknownDude, SteadyHealth.com [A strange question with some rather interesting responses. –Ed.]
- Guys, difference in hand vs vagina vs mouth? Anonymous, Girls Ask Guys
- Boyfriend gets his HAND in my vagina? Would that damage me? eHealth Forum, November 20, 2011
- A Hand in the Bush – An Interview with Deborah Addington, Jonathan Smith, Vice, August 16, 2011
- Rank these: hand, vagina, fleshlight, Bodybuilding.com Forum, October 7, 2012
- When Oregon Fans Make The “O” Symbol, They’re Screaming “Vagina” In American Sign Language, New York Times Reports, Emma Carmichael, Deadspin, November 18, 2011
- Hand Sanitizer Inside Vagina. Ask The Doctor. [The answer begins with: “Thank you for your question. Hand sanitizer contains isopropanol or ethanol among other chemical agents and is meant for external use only…” –Ed.]
- INSANE Parent Tries To Hand Out Vagina Cookies To 2nd Grade Class, Threatens Teacher Via Email After, Rebecca Martinson, BroBible, September 22, 2014
And with that, I need to stop. Here’s a picture, though:
Via someecards.com
There’s also this Star Trek-themed GIF (semi-SFW) that I will not display here.
Photo credits: AnonMoos (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons; User Jeremykemp on en.wikipedia (Jeremykemp) [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons; superfree, via someecards.com.
