For the heck of it, I went back and copied my stream-of-consciousness rants from Wednesday night’s debacle. I mean debate. The now-mythical evening will probably puzzle political scientists for a few minutes, but it at least gave us some memes. (Edited for typos and whatnot):
7:59 p.m. I’m live tweeting this bee-yotch! (I give my ADD 10 minutes before I start seriously thinking about boobs) #debate
8:02 p.m. The last time we had a Presidential #debate, I didn’t even have a Twitter account. How did I share my thoughts? How did we do anything???
8:04 p.m. I’m sure Jim Lehrer is a great #debate moderator, but you know who we need? Mills Lane, that’s who.
8:06 p.m. Obama may have the best excuse in history for skipping out on an anniversary dinner. #debate
8:07 p.m. Since the candidates always answer the first question with a “glad to be here” soliloquy, shouldn’t the first question just be “‘Sup?”
8:08 p.m. Is someone writing down Romney’s 5 points? Because I’m sure he’ll change them tomorrow.
8:12 p.m. Just for the record, Lehrer asked Romney if he had a question for Obama, and he’s making a speech. #debate
8:13 p.m. Okay, seriously, Jim, cut Romney off if he won’t ask a question!!! #debate
8:17 p.m. It’s hard to make accurate statements about Romney’s tax plan when he stays so coy about it. #debate
8:19 p.m. “Now he’s saying that his big bold idea is ‘never mind.'” #debate
8:22 p.m. Romney keeps referencing conversations he’s had with ordinary people. We’ve seen how that tends to go for him, though… #debate
8:23 p.m. Did Romney really just say his first priority is jobs? #debate
8:27 p.m. “Going forward with the status quo won’t work” says Romney. You mean like Republicans blocking everything Obama tries to do? #debate
8:28 p.m. “Raise taxes, cut spending, or grow the economy.” Thousands of macroeconomists are crying right now… #debate
8:32 p.m. I like how cutting PBS was like second on Romney’s list. Isn’t that about 0.001% of the budget or something? #debate
8:33 p.m. How can the Pres. cut the deficit if the House is determined to block him on everything? Isn’t the House responsible for that too? #debate
8:34 p.m. Ooh, Romney cited the NFIB. Sneaky. #debate [Ed. note: I added a link there to some discussion about whether or not the National Federation of Independent Business is really “independent” or not.]
8:35 p.m. This reminds me of CX debate, where the guy who talks fastest wins because the other guy can’t respond to everything in time. #debate
8:38 p.m. RT @DavidOAtkins: I’m a political junkie. And I’m bored. This is sad. #debate
8:39 p.m. Wasn’t Romney going to bust out some “zingers”? That might liven things up… #debate
8:41 p.m. It bears repeating that MITT ROMNEY WANTS TO TAKE AWAY DOWNTON ABBEY. #debate [Ed. note: This is one of my most popular tweets ever.]
8:44 p.m. He is not “cutting” $716 billion, you little ****. #debate
8:45 p.m. If we need to cut the deficit, wouldn’t Romney be happy to cut money out of Medicare? #debate
8:46 p.m. Romney has made more vague references to his “plans” than I can count. You ought to call him on this shit, Mr. President. #debate
8:48 p.m. Repubs say they don’t want gov’t bureacrats controlling their healthcare, yet they’re happy w/unaccountable corporate bureaucrats? #debate
8:55 p.m. Ponder for a sec what would’ve happened if Bush had privatized social security in 2005…
8:55 p.m. Romney wants to reign in big Wall Street banks…..by giving its executives gov’t-sponsored unicorn rides, I’m sure.
8:56 p.m. I want Jim Lehrer to jump over the desk and body-slam the next person to talk right over him.
8:59 p.m. [Caution: NSFW language ahead] Romney, you little shit, it was your party that blocked every effort to create jobs. If your goal is to get me to the point where i can only express my opinion of you by calling you a stinky fuckstick, then mission accomplished fuckshit. [Ed. note: despite the best efforts of my friend Bob, #stinkyfuckstick did not trend as a hashtag this week.]
9:03 p.m. Romney says he worked with the other side to pass Romneycare. That’s because Democrats know how to play nice with others (even when they probably shouldn’t)
9:12 p.m. [Third-party Wall post] YOU ARE HILARIOUS! I am only going to keep watching this debate if you keep making comments. [Ed. note: this inspired me to end my 9-minute hiatus.]
9:12 p.m. Is Romney living in a fantasy world where today’s Republicans would ever work with the President on anything? Wait, I already know the answer to that.
9:15 p.m. Boobs. ( . ) ( . ) [Ed. note: Boobs ( . ) ( . )]
9:20 p.m. Romney says we need a new path because the current one isn’t working. What. Is. Your. Plan.
9:21 p.m. Fuck this. I’m annoyed enough by Jim Lehrer. Dave out. [Ed. note: I was bluffing.]
9:31 p.m. On the question of how to handle the vicious partisanship in Congress, one would have to assume both sides are equally psychotic for the question to be valid. Romney couldn’t answer because he doesn’t know, and Obama couldn’t answer because he knows Republicans wouldn’t support him even if he had personally beheaded Osama bin Laden in the Oval Office and signed a repeal of the Tax Code on the back of his twitching corpse.
9:34 p.m. Republicans haven’t learned the lesson of the Bush administration, which was that after winning an election, you have to actually govern.
9:38 p.m. My post-mortem of the debate: To people inclined to vote for Obama, he sounded somewhat rambly and Romney sounded like a pompous tw*t. To people inclined to vote for Romney, he spoke in the actual voice of Ronald Reagan and was ringed by a chorus of angels for the full 90 minutes, while the other candidate spoke the language of the Old Ones before descending through the floor to return to his watery lair in R’Lyeh (except most Republicans haven’t read enough books to get that literary reference.) To undecided voters, they probably stopped watching around 8:30 CDT in favor of internet porn.
9:41 p.m. Mitt’s flag lapel pin was bigger than Obama’s. Checkmate.
10:02 p.m. How do we get R. Lee Ermey to moderate the next debate?
10:43 p.m. I will gove Romney credit for one thing: if you sound hearfelt or resolute, you can say almost whatever bullshit you want, as long as it’s facially plausible. In fact, you’ll even fluster your opponent, who might not be able to believe you can spout so much crap and still look yourself in the mirror. Of course, if you win an election based on that sort of bullshit, eventually voters will catch on, your own party will disown you, and history will remember you as one of the least popular politicians in modern history. I think this happened, like, 8 years ago or something.
10:45 p.m. Also, tonight was a pretty good night for people who would vote for a blind, rabid possum with only two legs if it meant unseating Obama. Romney had more substance than the possum, but not by much.
10:46 p.m. As always, Dr. Tyson says it better than I ever could.
10:52 p.m. You’ve been a great audience. Good night.