Stop! Grammar Time! Know Your Apostrophes

Your: a possessive second-person adjective, e.g. “You left your whip at my house last night.”

You’re: a contraction of “you are,” thus creating a subject/predicate relationship in a single word. E.g. “You’re getting glitter all over me.”

Its: a possessive third-person gender-neutral adjective, e.g. “The Predator aimed its laser cannon at the Alien Queen.”

It’s: a contraction of “it is,” e.g. “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”

Their: a possessive third-person plural adjective, e.g. “Do not eat their porridge.”

They’re: a contraction of “they are,” e.g. “They’re going to break through the outer barricades and capture our flag!”

There: multi-function word, often serving as an adverb modifying the verb “to be,” e.g. “The the porta-potty is there.” Arguably, uses of “there” as a pronoun (“There are bees in here!”) or as an adjective (“William there, he enjoys a good haggis”) are really just variations on the use of “there” as an adverb. “There” could also be an interjection, e.g. “So there, biatch!”

To review:

Possessive adjectives: your, its, their

Contractions of a pronoun and a verb: you’re, it’s, they’re

Multi-purpose: there

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Stop! Grammar Time!

mc_hammer_slide

Via xkcd.com. Click to embiggen.

Language is a constantly-evolving beast. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, it is the worst possible form of communication, except for all the others that have been tried. Words fall out of usage, to the point where the lose whatever original meaning they may have had. When is the last time you heard someone, in a fit of pique, say “fie on them”? For that matter, when did you last hear someone use the phrase “a fit of pique”?

At the same time, we add new words to the language at an alarming rate. (It’s not worth crying over, so I’ll just have to LOL.)

I’m not that big on the finer points of English literary conventions. (Note how I put the questions marks outside the quotation marks up there? That’s just how I roll.) What does bug me is when words that have a very specific meaning, often in a legal sense (legalese alert…), start to veer away from their specialized meaning. This eventually causes confusion as to whether someone means the specific definition or something else. Sometimes, hilarity ensues, and sometimes, OMG.

Pondering this (yes, this really is how I spend my time), I thought of the part-snarky, all-dorky headline (unfortunately it’s not original), and I was going to dive into an example. Then I realized that I wasn’t sure if “grammar” is even the right word to use here. What if I should be saying “syntax”?

So I went to the dictionary, and apparently “syntax” is a form of “grammar,” I guess sort of like how entomology is a form of biology.

Grammar:

a : the study of the classes of words, their inflections, and their functions and relations in the sentence

b : a study of what is to be preferred and what avoided in inflection and syntax

Syntax:

a : the way in which linguistic elements (as words) are put together to form constituents (as phrases or clauses)

b : the part of grammar dealing with this

So yeah, I’m going with grammar on this one. Stay tuned.

Image credit: ‘MC Hammer Slide,’ xkcd 108 [CC BY-NC 2.5], via xkcd.com.

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Some phishing advice…

If you want me to think that you are e-mailing me from the Federal Reserve Bank of America…

phish070812

…use a better e-mail address than “Sparkylok6.” Seriously, folks.

Also, I’m pretty sure there is no entity specifically titled the “Federal Reserve Bank of America.”

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A Complete Guide to Logical Fallacies

The internet and social media have enabled people of differing viewpoints to talk past one another more now than at any other point in human history. As I have embarked on rants, arguments, and tête-à-têtes of various degrees of interestingness via Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and various blogs, I have learned far more than I ever wanted about the sorts of logical gymnastics that people, myself included, will undertake to reach or support their desired conclusion.

Now, someone has created a poster detailing the most egregious logical fallacies out there (h/t three Facebook friends):

20120610-134227.jpg

Download your very own copy!

My personal favorites, which I seem to encounter quite often, and of some of which I have no doubt been guilty myself, are:

  • Tu quoque: This could be summarized as “I am not going to address your criticism of my position, because you (or someone aligned with you) has done the same thing! So there!” It has the effect of putting the other person on the defensive amd deflecting the original argument, all without actually arguing anything. It is a painfully weak, and fallacious, argument, because the implication is that the other person is similarly or equally culpable–thus assuming that the subject of the argument, whatever it may be, actually is wrong somehow. The correct response to this is something like “I recall how angry you were when my side did it, so you must be furious now that your side is engaging in this behavior as well.”
  • Ad hominem: This one is very misunderstood. People seem to think that any attack on a person’s character, past behavior, or whatever is a fallacious ad hominem argument, but that’s wrong. It becomes fallacious when the personal attack is logically irrelevant to the argument. Compare “You are not an authority on ‘traditional family values’ because you are a serial adulterer three times divorced” to “Your opinion on this issue is irrelevant because you used to do drugs.”
  • Slippery slope: “If we allow gays to get married, soon we will have to allow people to marry their dogs or their sofa!!!!1!1!!!!” This type or argument is popular among people who cannot tell the difference between a consenting adult human, a companion canine, and furniture. (Note that this type of argument is not always fallacious, but often serves to support some mind-numbingly dumb ideas.)
  • No True Scotsman: Here, it is worth reciting the original text of the argument:

    Scotsman A: You know, laddie, no Scotsman puts sugar in his porridge.
    Scotsman B: Is that so? I seem to recall my cousin Angus (who is from Scotland) puts sugar in his porridge.
    Scotsman A: Aye… but no true Scotsman puts sugar in his porridge.

    See, e.g., Bill O’Reilly’s stubborn refusal to accept that mass-murdering Norweigian Christian extremist Anders Breivik is a “true Christian.”

We now have an excellent set of real-world examples of some of these fallacies in action, relating to the news of Kentucky Senator Rand Paul’s endorsement of Mitt Romney for president, courtesy of the Libertarian Party (h/t Zandar):

When Dr. Rand Paul ran for U.S. Senate in Kentucky, many of his fund-raising appeals were sent to the donors and supporters of his father, Congressman Ron Paul. They were designed to convince Ron’s supporters that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. That Rand was, like his legendary father, a steadfast champion of liberty.

But no true libertarian, no true friend of liberty, and no true blue Tea Partier could possibly even consider, much less actually endorse or approve of, the Father of Obamacare, Big Government tax and spender, Republican Mitt Romney.

Especially the son of Ron Paul, who has no excuse.

Especially a medical doctor, who has even fewer excuses.

See if you can spot them all!

Here endeth the lesson. Now learn how to argue a point and stop wasting my time.

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A quantum singularity of blogging that could destroy the Universe

'NGC_6745' by NASA Goddard Space Flight Center NASA-GSFC (The Goddard Library) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Could this be the end result of self-referential blogging? History will decide.

Social media marketing consultant Jayme Soulati has a post up at her business blog entitled “Six Types of Blogging.”The first type on her list is “Blogger Teaches Blogger.” She raises some very good points about identifying an audience and a goal or goals for one’s blog, something I have not really done in earnest.

My main goal here, however, is to write a blog post about a blog post that discusses bloggers who write about blog posts. That ought to be enough of an infinite feedback loop.

Photo credit: ‘NGC_6745’ By NASA Goddard Space Flight Center NASA-GSFC (The Goddard Library) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Free-form Writing

(Written in June 2012, not published until now for whatever reason.)

20120623-153039.jpgThis was an exercise from a session I went to at the Writers’ League of Texas Agents’ Conference today [June 23, 2012 – ed.], called “Care & Feeding of Your Writer.” We were asked to tear out an image and two words from a magazine, then write something about them. I edited for typos, but this is what I wrote.

My creativity comes from my connection to others. I write as much to be read as to get the ideas out of my head. I do not necessarily need the approval of others, but it means a lot to have their attention. Also knowing I have the support of people who care about me gives me a sense of security and freedom to be creative.

Am I the person offering the helping hand, or the one receiving it?

Yes. I am both.

The two words I chose, “helping hands,” are an inextricable part of my creativity. None of this would be possible if I didn’t have opportunities and support.

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My one regret, as a University of Texas graduate…

120521_pubic.jpg…is that I never took any classes in “Pubic Affairs.”

UT’s prestigious LBJ School of Public Affairs found itself in a hairy situation this weekend when the school’s commencement booklets were distributed with an hilarious unfortunate error. Despite going through “lots of layers of approval,” the booklets welcomed guests and graduates to Commencement 2012 at the Lyndon B. Johnson School of Pubic Affairs. We’re sure those in attendance bristled at the error. Coupled with the school’s motto “Unlimited Possibilities,” the new name actually makes for punlimited possibilities.

Thank you, University of Texas, for being you.

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Fun Word of the Day: Stonking

'A Pint of Beer,' copyright Ian T and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons LicenceThe second I saw this word, I knew it had to be British. Sure enough, it is:

[“Stonking”] been popular slang in the UK for many years, and enjoyed a certain vogue there in the late 1980s and early 90s…The Brits, of course, are famous for their intriguing but opaque slang. No one, for example, has ever come up with a convincing explanation for either “boffin,” meaning “a technical researcher or expert,” or “bog standard,” the equivalent of our “standard issue.” Sometimes I suspect they’re doing it on purpose. Perfidious Albion, y’know.

The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) defines “stonking” as an adjective meaning “Excellent, amazing; considerable, powerful” (“The Kenwood receiver is …  stonking value for anyone wanting to take their first steps into home cinema,” 1993), and as an adverb (modifying an adjective) meaning “extremely, very” (“Snogging tackle for stonking wet smackers, warm and reassuring like a comfy settee,” 1993). (Please don’t ask me what that example means. As I said, they’re probably messing with our minds.) The noun “stonker,” which means something very large or impressive of its kind, first popped up in print in the late 1980s.

(h/t to Antonin Pribetic for bringing the word to my attention, and to Natasha Phillips for actually using it.)

This is one of those words that, if you say it with anything other than a spot-on British accent (preferably a London variant), particularly anything even hinting of a Texas drawl, you will just sound like a jackass.

For some reason, it reminds me of this joke that is only funny when said with a English accent with a hint of Cockney:

Bartender: How’s your beer?
Customer: It’s like making love in a canoe!
Bartender: What do you mean?
Customer: It’s fucking close to water!

I will add “stonking” to the list of words I can only say when I am portraying a pompous Englishman in an improv show.

Photo credit: ‘A Pint of Beer,’ copyright Ian T and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

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Fun word of the day: Sphygmomanometer

Sphygmomanometer&CuffIt’s more commonly known as the “blood pressure thingie.”

A sphygmomanometer or blood pressure meter (also referred to as a sphygmometer) is a device used to measure blood pressure, composed of an inflatable cuff to restrict blood flow, and a mercury or mechanical manometer to measure the pressure. It is always used in conjunction with a means to determine at what pressure blood flow is just starting, and at what pressure it is unimpeded. Manual sphygmomanometers are used in conjunction with a stethoscope.

The word comes from the Greeksphygmós (pulse), plus the scientific term manometer (pressure meter). The device was invented by Samuel Siegfried Karl Ritter von Basch in 1881.Scipione Riva-Rocci introduced a more easily used version in 1896. In 1901, Harvey Cushing modernized the device and popularized it within the medical community.

A sphygmomanometer consists of an inflatable cuff, a measuring unit (the mercury manometer, or aneroid gauge), and inflation bulb and valve, for manual instruments. [Citations omitted]

Here endeth the lesson. Just don’t ask me to pronounce it.

Photo credit: Sphygmomanometer&Cuff by ML5 at en.wikipedia [Public domain], from Wikimedia Commons

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