Impermissible Fee Arrangements for Lawyers

You might think this image is in poor taste (and you'd be right), but you should see what you get when you do a Google Images search, restricted to images labeled for commercial reuse, for the term "blow job."

You might think this image is in poor taste (and you’d be right), but you should see what you get when you do a Google Images search, restricted to images labeled for commercial reuse, for the term “blow job.”

Lawyers can get pretty creative when it comes to fee arrangements, but in the vast, vast majority of situations, they want to be paid with money.

I can’t say I blame any of my fellow lawyers. Money buys things like food, utilities, and Aspen vacation homes.

While it’s not entirely legal—okay, not remotely legal—money can also buy blowjobs. Of course, being caught paying for sexual activity in that way can result in the loss of your law license. As it turns out, skipping the middleman and exchanging legal services directly for blowjobs can get you suspended from the practice of law. That’s my takeaway from the one sentence of the article at The Legal Intelligencer that I can access without paying for a membership:

The state Supreme Court has issued a one-year suspension to a Bucks County attorney who agreed to represent a female client in a DUI case in exchange for oral sex.

According to the Pennsylvania Office of Disciplinary Counsel’s petition (thanks, Google!), to which the attorney consented, the deal went down as follows:

7. At the First Meeting:
a) Ms. Doe advised Respondent of her previous ARD and her recent arrest for our and inquired as to his fee for representation;
b) Respondent quoted Ms. Doe the fee of $1,000 to cover the work associated with an anticipated guilty plea agreement;
c) Ms. Doe advised Respondent that she did not have a lot of money;
d) After further discussion, the parties agreed that Ms. Doe would perform oral sex on Respondent; Continue reading

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This Week in WTF, July 26, 2013

– The set that served as the home of both Luke and Anakin Skywalker in the Tunisian desert is facing imminent burial by an oncoming sand dune. The dune will eventually move on, but it’s likely that Tatooine will never quite be the same.

– The town of Rjukan, Norway, faces five months of darkness every winter. (Take that, Barrow, Alaska!) To offset the various negative health effects of such prolonged darkness—e.g. rickets, depression, and vampire attacks—the town plans to install giant mirrors that will reflect sunlight from nearby mountaintops. Think of it as a modern-day Beacon of Amon Din.

– The idiots-who-shall-not-be-named-by-me from Topeka plan on picketing some same-sex marriages in Rhode Island next month. They issued a news release with their plans, in which they accuse the U.S. population of being illiterate. They misspelled “illiterate.”

– The Steven Buscemi dress is something you should not wear, apparently.

Via Incredible Things/Facebook

Via Incredible Things/Facebook.

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Contemplations on Current Events

Emerson's 2nd Adoption Day by themoonmachine, on Flickr

The world is beset by fools, so here is a dog in a party hat.

I seem to have a proclivity for quoting Kurt Eichenwald here. What can I say? It’s easier than writing my own content. His list of 25 Contemplations on Current Events is one for the ages. Here are few highlights:

1. Given the messages we’ve learned from the Zimmerman case, Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, and the N.R.A., all young black men should arm themselves and shoot anyone whom they believe threatens them. Because freedom.

2. It makes no sense to argue that you support Stand Your Ground and then condemn Trayvon Martin for confronting a guy who was following him. You can’t pick and choose who gets to stand their ground based on a perception of threat. Which is why that law is so obscene.

5. All anti-abortion protesters should be presented, on the spot, with an application to sign up as foster parents. They should also be given the names of children in their area in need of adoptive parents. And if they won’t sign or volunteer, they should shut up.

7. Whenever someone says zygotes are babies, I reply: “Imagine a thousand zygotes in test tubes in one room, and three toddlers in another. A fire breaks out, and you only have time to get to one room. Which would you save from burning, the zygotes or the children?” It’s so much fun to watch the forced-birthers try to wriggle out of the conundrum created by their bumper-sticker slogans.

12. Isn’t it amazing that almost every religious bigot was born into the only true religion?

17. Wealthy folk need to stop whining about “class warfare.” Rich people having their heads impaled on pikes and marched through the town square is class warfare; paying three cents more in taxes on every dollar earned over $250,000 a year is not.

21. Tea Partiers really must stop moaning about losing their freedoms until, you know, they actually start losing their freedoms. (Hint on how to tell when that happens: if the government no longer allows you to say that you are losing your freedoms, then you have started losing your freedoms.)

22. Sarah Palin must . . . ahh, who cares.

Photo credit: Emerson’s 2nd Adoption Day by themoonmachine [CC BY-ND 2.0], on Flickr.

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The Horseshoe Crab’s Terrifying Pedigree

The horseshoe crab is an interesting critter, remaining relatively unchanged for hundreds of millions of years. One species lives in the Atlantic Ocean along the North American coast, while the other three species live in the waters off Southeast and East Asia. It looks sort of like what you imagine might happen if a facehugger from the Alien movies mated with a large beetle.

You’ve probably never wondered what a horseshoe crab orgy looks like, but if you read past this line, you’re going to find out.

Horseshoe crabs mating in the Delaware Bay of Southern New Jersey, by Asturnut (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/), GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikipedia

Of course I would find the horseshoe crab fascinating, because I’m into that sort of thing. Also, of course, I would want to learn more about it for the benefit of my reader(s). And whoa, does the horseshoe crab get scary when you dig into its lineage. Continue reading

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Frisbeetarianism

Via nosuchthingaswas.comJim Wright, who blogs awesomely at Stonekettle Station, had the following to say about attempts by North Carolina Republicans to create a state religion earlier this year:

Listen, I’d be all for [a state religion] if it was Frisbeetarianism (you believe that when you die, your soul gets caught in a gust of wind and lands on the roof and you can’t get it down without a step ladder. There’s also Killer Frisbeetarianism, but that’s practiced mostly by college kids).

What?

Oh, right, you eat the flesh of your 2000 year old dead prophet and symbolically drink his blood, but Frisbeetarianism is silly. Got it.

Photo credit: Via nosuchthingaswas.com.

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How to Tell the Difference Between a Police Raid and a Home Invasion (Hint: Sometimes You Can’t)

By Tim McAteer (Wikipedia:Contact us/Photo submission) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia CommonsThe Sarasota Herald-Tribune reported last week on the story of a 59 year-old nurse, Louise Goldsberry, who found herself pinned down in her apartment during a home invasion. Fortunately, she kept a gun in her home, and so was able to defend herself…right?

Well, no, because the home invaders were actually cops, including the U.S. Marshal’s Office and the Sarasota Police Department, looking for a suspect in a child rape case. Goldsberry stated that she was standing at her kitchen sink, while her boyfriend Craig Dorris was in the next room, when she saw a man “wearing a hunting vest…aiming a gun at her face, with a red light pinpointing her.” She reportedly screamed and ran to her bedroom to get the gun for which she has a concealed weapons permit. She didn’t know whether to believe him when the man claimed to be a police officer, because she said she had no idea why the police would be behaving in this way in her apartment.

Dorris managed to at least somewhat defuse the situation, although both of them ended up in handcuffs for at least half and hour. Police found the child-rape suspect in a different part of town later that night. He had never been in Goldsberry’s apartment, and Goldsberry had no idea who he was. The U.S. Marshal who was at Goldsberry’s door, Matt Wiggins, admitted that the tip regarding the suspect’s location was about the apartment complex as a whole—they had no reason whatsoever to suspect that he was in Goldsberry’s apartment, except for this:

But when the people in Goldsberry’s apartment didn’t open up, that told Wiggins he had probably found the right door. No one at other units had reacted that way, he said.

Maybe none of them had a gun pointed at them through the kitchen window, I suggested. But Wiggins didn’t think that was much excuse for the woman’s behavior. He said he acted with restraint and didn’t like having that gun aimed at him.

“I went above and beyond,” Wiggins said. “I have to go home at night.”

This is a prime example of the First Rule of Policing, as defined by Scott Greenfield: Make it home for dinner. No matter what led to the situation where a gun was pointed at Wiggins, he intended to defend himself. Wiggins made a decision that, because the occupant of a particular apartment did not answer the door politely, they must be up to no good. As much as anyone may want to see child rapists get pummeled, this is simply a bad general rule.

This demonstrates another principle identified by Greenfield: police assume you know exactly why they stopped you or are pointing a gun at you, and may start beating you or shooting at you if you don’t do exactly as they say.

That’s the funny thing about not having the slightest clue why a guy is pointing a gun at you. The cops start with the assumption that you’re guilty, and therefore know exactly why they nabbed you. This bit of confusion can, and often does, lead to a problematic reaction.

Goldsberry is actually pretty lucky that the cops didn’t just start shooting, although I don’t think she should be sending the Sarasota Police Department or the U.S. Marshals any thank-you notes.

We are always being told by the gun lobby that we need whatever firepower we can get our hands on to protect ourselves from home invasions. What happens when your home is invaded by police who are in the wrong place? Do we have to live our lives as though, at any moment, police could break down the door?

“I was thinking, is this some kind of nutjob?” [said Goldsberry.]

No, just a well-trained officer who knows how to go after a man assumed to be a dangerous felon, but isn’t so good at understanding a frightened woman confronted with an aggressive armed stranger coming after her in her own home.

Wiggins offered the Herald-Tribune perhaps the most chilling statement I’ve seen uttered by law enforcement in some time:

“I feel bad for her,” Wiggins conceded, finally. “But at the same time, I had to reasonably believe the bad guy was in her house based on what they were doing.”

Goldsberry wasn’t arrested or shot despite pointing a gun at a cop, so Wiggins said, “She sure shouldn’t be going to the press.”

(Emphasis added.)

Why shouldn’t she be going to the press? Wiggins, at least from the tone expressed in the Herald-Tribune article, seems annoyed that he has to answer for what happened in Goldsberry’s apartment. I think Radley Balko sums up my thoughts on that quite well:

Photo credit: By Tim McAteer (Wikipedia:Contact us/Photo submission) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Monday Morning Cute……?: The Slow Loris is Cute, but Could F******g Kill You

The slow loris is utterly, ridiculously cute, right? I mean, look at those big, innocent eyes:

By Jmiksanek (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And the obvious commitment to family values:

By Helena Snyder (email) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

What could possibly be dangerous about this little guy? Well, this, via MNN:

This animal might look like a harmless, big-eyed baby ewok, but the slow loris is one of the only poisonous mammals in the world. Its subtle nature makes it popular in the illegal pet trade, but unknowing humans should stay clear of its toxin, which is released from the sides of its elbows. When threatened, the loris takes the toxin into its mouth and mixes it with saliva. The animal will also lick its hair to deter predators from attack. The toxin can cause death by anaphylactic shock.

Dang.

Photo credits: Jmiksanek (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons; Helena Snyder (email) [GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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The Rage of the LEGO Minifigure

LEGO minifigures are getting angrier and fighting more, according to CNN.

New research by robot expert Christoph Bartneck at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand shows the number of happy faces on tiny LEGO figures is decreasing.

“We cannot help but wonder how the move from only positive faces to an increasing number of negative faces impacts on how children play,” he said in a statement.

First of all, a “robot expert” who researches LEGO toys in New Zealand sounds like the greatest job in the universe. I’m sure there’s a drawback somewhere.

Second, I cannot help but agree. For years now, I have noticed that my excitement over LEGO has steadily decreased. I attribute this to two factors: (1) the gradual loss of my sense of childlike wonder, and (2) the fact that LEGO has, quite literally, sold out. It began with the Star Wars tie-ins for the release of Phantom Menace in 1999, which I thought was pretty awesome at the time. Now it has reached a new low point, in my opinion—at least based on this Lone Ranger tie-in I saw at Target the other day:

Taken at Target in Austin, Texas, July 18, 2013

Note the Johnny-Depp-as-Tonto minifigure.

Gone are the days when LEGO minifigures were happy, no matter what you made them do: Continue reading

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