Good news = opportunity for sarcasm

Here’s some more on the global-warming-as-somehow-anti-Christian front–I consider it good news:

The board of the National Association of Evangelicals has rebuffed leaders of the Christian right who had called for the association to silence or dismiss its Washington policy director because of his involvement in the campaign against global warming.

Prominent Christian conservatives like James C. Dobson, chairman of Focus on the Family, and Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, had sent a letter to the association’s leaders this month accusing the policy director, the Rev. Richard Cizik, of “using the global warming controversy to shift the emphasis away from the great moral issues of our time,” which they defined as abortion, homosexuality and teaching children sexual morality and abstinence.

Yes, because as we all know, hordes of gay commandos are at all times massed at the Canadian border, waiting to loose their gay all over everyone, stop all the breeding, and offer fact-based sex ed to the nation’s teenagers (with a catchy techno backbeat). Gay is most commonly transmitted through phlogiston, a little-known fact. Gay also causes hurricanes, tornadoes, and microphone feedback. The Minoan civilization was destroyed by a giant explosion of gay. Thank goodness some people still understand that this is the greatest crisis America now faces.

Say, did anyone notice Baghdad is on fire?

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Not sure I should even go here…

Fair warning, this post deals with some prurient stuff.

As I was perusing ABC’s tabloidesque “Primetime” earlier this evening (okay, fine, I Tivo’d it after seeing a promo last night), I couldn’t help but wonder if the show was being a bit unfair. See, they interviewed a woman by the name of Sunny Lane, who I will pretend to have never heard of before today, and discussed how her parents work as her business managers…for her career in adult entertainment. If you watch the whole episode (not available on ABC’s website, near as I can tell), the interviewer almost seems frustrated that he can’t get her to seem more tortured or ambivalent about the whole thing, thereby defying the axiom that adult entertainment deadens the soul. Maybe she just hasn’t been doing it long enough, but she comes across as too cute and bubbly to be all that depressing:

I’m somewhat fascinated by the psychology of the whole business–i.e. what gets people to do this sort of thing, are said people really as screwed up as their stereotypes, and so forth. The whole thing with the parents on the ABC show is a bit strange (or a whole hell of a lot strange, who knows). I do think porn should stay out of the spotlight, if for no other reason than because it might otherwise lose its cachet–I think the market will keep it around for a long time, even if no one can agree on how much money the industry makes. Anyway, it’s very late at night.

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Worst pick-up line ever???

I still don’t quite get the nature of the controversy–perhaps there’s just a limit to how much prurient exploitation our culture is willing to accept (dissing your singing is fine, but racy photos, no matter how private, maybe ain’t)–but it is a controvery nonetheless. Now Glenn Beck takes the opportunity to hit on a cute journalist (who has never posed for racy photos and is at least somewhat of a professional, I might add):

That may be the most uncomfortable silence I’ve seen in some time.

Apparently he’s done this before, too.

There has been some backlash, but I can only begin to imagine the chilling effect this will have on people’s ability to take racy pictures of themselves. What are digital cameras for, anyway?

Seriously, though, Glenn, if you want to take racy pictures of a girl, there are places you could find them. Just saying.

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Deliberate ignorance finds a new home on the web

I can’t sleep, and this was too strange not to mention. Apparently Phyllis Schlafly and those of her ilk have decided the liberal bias of Wikipedia is too much to bear, so they have launched their own site, Conservapedia. There are some amusing comments on the site’s content and lack thereof.

Is it too much to hope for that this marks the beginning of a trend; that Ms. Schlafly and her followers will simply abandon other modes of contemporary communication to start their own? Eventually, they will disappear into self-imposed segregation (yeah, I said it), secure in the knowledge that they will never have to hear a dissenting opinion, have their Christian faith questioned, or hear the word “evolution” again. They will breed prodigiously for a while, what with the total lack of condoms or sex education, but without any knowledge of evolution, flu epidemics will probably be common (since there would be no need to ever update their vaccine supply, since viruses couldn’t possibly mutate or evolve without God’s help.) Large-scale flu epidemics would be tragic, please understand. I’m just the messenger.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, this is satire! Chill out.

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SCROTUM!!!!!

Editorial: Don’t let your kids read this

This is a good one. A number of librarians are complaining because the latest Newberry Award-winning children’s book, “The Higher Power of Lucky,” describes a rattlesnake biting a dog on the ballsack…I mean scrotum.

The book uses the anatomically-correct term, so what’s the problem, exactly? That a children’s book acknowledges the existence of canine private parts? I am using nearly all my strength to suppress the urge to vomit at the thought of a rattlesnake biting anything anywhere near my…scrotum, but that really isn’t the point, anyway:

“Because of that one word, I would not be able to read that book aloud,” one [librarian] explained, calling it “a Howard Stern-type shock treatment.” We have three words for that: Oh, come on.

I recall several Newberry books I read as a kid, and many of them deal with some pretty tough issues. While I am not certain that snake bites on the junk are on the same level as death or racism when it comes to issues children must confront, I am not convinced that this is such a horrible thing for a librarian to have to say out loud.

I wonder what the book is actually about?

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Humor, Fox News style

The Blog Bob Cesca: Step Away From The Jokes, Fox News, Before You Hurt Yourself The Huffington Post

I don’t have much more to say that isn’t said in the posted linked above.

There appears to be a Fox News response to “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” premiering soon. From the brief teaser available on YouTube (I’m not embedding it because I don’t want to help them get hits), it looks like the format of the Daily Show, but with conservative jingoism replacing the humor.

A few years ago Comedy Central ran Straight Plan for the Gay Man, an enjoyable send-up of that Bravo show. It was funny because it lampooned the source material without really negating its premise–that gay men have a lot to show straight men about fashion and hair care, or something like that. Straight guys have a thing or two to say about chilling the fuck out every once in a while. The show’s humor may also have benefited from the fact that it only ran for three episodes–the joke didn’t have time to get old.

Fox News’ “The 1/2 Hour News Hour” (sigh…), from what little I’ve seen, fails because it does not acknowledge its superior source material. All it does is imitate–also, I honestly believe that “The Daily Show’s” principal motivation is humor, and the “liberal” slant derives from the fact that there are far greater resources to mine for humor in that area. Fox’s show’s principal motivation is conservatism, and it proceeds on a snipe hunt for humor. The show seems to proceed from the belief that conservatives can do their own funny fake news show even better than Comedy Central can–then again, how the hell do I know what they’re thinking? All I really know is that it isn’t funny…in fact it’s so unfunny that it’s painful to watch.

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Happy f—ing Valentine’s Day

You may not have guessed this, but I used to be quite openly bitter and cynical. I like to think that my cynicism has been sublimated at least somewhat since my angst-ridden high school and college years. Still, on this Hallmarkiest of holidays, I can’t help but think back on those days when I wondered if a person could die of boredom. I therefore offer this little bit of bitterness of old, written sometime in high school and not terribly original. I’m sure it was a longer poem, but this is all I can get from memory:

Roses are red, violets are blue
Women are evil, and nice guys get screwed

Have a happy Valentine’s Day.

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Losing the war of ideas

How did we win the Cold War? Because people in East Germany preferred McDonald’s to communism, to put it simply.

How are we winning the War on Terror? Can we win it by blowing more and more shit up? Or is it really a war of ideas, the same as the Cold War? The ideas are different, and the difference between cultures is greater, but this is still more a war over whose ideas are m more compelling–western civilization or whatever the alternative is. What is it that makes western civilization so great? Maybe, just maybe, it is not self-evident to every human being on earth that western civilization is the model that should be followed. And maybe the reason for that is not a flaw in the message, but in the messenger. Maybe our actions in the Middle East fail to effectively demonstrate all that is worth emulating about western culture.

What is so great about western culture, anyway? I could list about a thousand things or more, but here are a few:

  1. Habeas corpus – Protecting us from government overreaching since 1215.
  2. Separation of church and state – America has it, and churches are overflowing. Europe doesn’t, and churches are not overflowing at all. Do the math.
  3. Freedom of the press – Sometimes “reporting the good news from Iraq” is just a polite way of saying “propaganda”
  4. Freedom of speech – It was difficult for Soviet citizens to overcome those pesky communists, largely because they tended to kill people who didn’t say nice things about them
  5. George Washington – In 1781, he could have taken his Continental Army and made himself a king, but he didn’t. That changed the whole course of human history.
  6. The Fourteenth Amendment – What good does it do to protect you from infringement of your rights by the federal government if the states can do as they please?
  7. The Ninth Amendment – We do too have rights, Mr. Gonzales.
  8. Women’s rights – Wouldn’t it get boring pretty quickly if all women were subservient?
  9. Jefferson, Madison, Adams, Franklin, Marshall, etc. – They had their flaws, to be sure–they were human, after all–but they were also freakin’ geniuses. No other country in history has ever been so lucky as to have so many wise people working together.

I could go on and on and on and on, but you get the picture.

These are the tools that will ultimately win the war on terror. And we seem to be dismantling them one by one. In the minds of many who support the tactics of the Bush administration, a decent summary might be that it was necessary to destroy our freedoms in order to save them (ironic analogy to Vietnam intended). We have seen much jingoism, but very little progress. And are no nearer to a clear picture of victory than we were yesterday.

This war is not about freedom, or democracy, or safety from terrorism, or defeating extermist ideologies wherever they may be found, or whatever other rationale is offered as old ones are shown to be false. It is about power. I would say American power, but I’m not even sure that is entirely correct. And lest I sound like a tinfoil hat crackpot, it is not some global conspiracy run by a SPECTRE-like syndicate. It is much more disappointingly mundane than that. A group of people, generally accustomed to getting what they want without much effort, found an opportunity to experiment with power in upsettingly predictable ways (at least in hindsight for most), and now they can’t bring themselves to admit how bad they’ve f—ed things up. We’re America, dammit, and if America does it, then by definition it is the right thing to do. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor (and possibly a child molester, or a drug addict, or a habitual Zima drinker, and so on).

I’ll end with words from a more artful blogger than I:

The first plan the Pentagon geniuses came up with was to intimidate the Iraqis into submission by demonstrating our invincible might, kind of like a huge fireworks display in which only very narrowly targeted, and deserving, victims would be killed–presumably the bombs would serve as judge, jury, and executioner only for resolute followers of Saddam, and if we could label other victims as “collateral damage”, we could get away with the inevitable mistakes. What the geniuses were aiming for was some sort of veneration by the Iraqis, as if the US were God-like in its power. But the Pentagon could not pull off the plan because technological war is by nature vast and messy. Technological war could not help killing, wounding, and alienating civilians, missing the well-protected ruling class and Saddam himself, and being the first demonstration for the Iraqis and the rest of the world, of who the Americans were–heartless, careless, murderous, robotic aliens intent on interfering in a country that was not generally agreed to be the Americans’ business, no matter what the Americans themselves asserted.

Let me end on the most positive note I can think of at the moment: I hope I’m wrong.

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Do people really take "24" seriously?

After being appalled enough to almost write a bitchy letter to Fox about “24’s” Season 4 premiere, in which around a dozen people are killed in order to cover for a sinister plot that is revealed as a red herring by the third episode or so, I pretty much stopped paying attention to the show altogether. I never could tell if the show was meant to be a thrill-ride-type show remarkable mostly for its ability to strain credibility without ever quite breaking it altogether (traumatic amnesia?), or more of an especially prurient form of “terror porn,” to steal a phrase, aimed at making us feel safer knowing that someone is out there to gouge out the eyeballs of those who would do us harm.

I still recall how the premiere of the show was delayed post-9/11, then edited to remove the more disturbing scenes of an airplane exploding over the Mojave Desert–now all you see is a orange glow off-screen as the uber-yummy Mia Kirschner parachutes out of the plane and then strips naked in front of a bonfire. I cannot bring myself to fully condemn that kind of filmmaking, but I do have to wonder why it was necessary to blow up a passenger plane in order for an assassin to adopt the identity of a German photographer on board the plane. Couldn’t the bad guys have kidnapped the German after he landed, taken his ID and killed him, rather than having the lovely Ms. Kirschner seduce him on the plane, steal his wallet, then blow the plane up? We kinda already gathered that she is evil, and they still could have contrived a reason to get her naked.

Maybe I’m just being square, but “24” is really just the Rube Goldberg Guide to Terrorism. As long as your terrorist places more stock in crafting an elaborate and lengthy plan than in actually succeeding in his mission, a few well-placed electrodes, amputations, and sleepless nights will thwart the plot. I can’t claim to know how a terrorist’s mind works (I bought a book but haven’t read it yet), but common sense would dictate that simplicity would be a key factor, rather than the two or three levels of redundancy necessary to keep a show like “24” going for the requisite 24 episodes.

There seems to be some indication that some of the torture allegations coming out of Iraq may have, at their root, inspiration derived from Jack Bauer’s exploits. Really, has there ever, in all the history of espionage and intrigue, been a “ticking bomb” situation like the ones that occur with logic-rattling frequency in the “24” universe?

Anyway, before I end up writing all night about this, I’ll just end with this–it’s a freaking TV show that makes no sense if you think about it for more than two seconds. Maybe that’s why it’s so popular.

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Death before having to mention sex to kids, say religious conservatives

Perhaps I’m being a little bit melodramatic with this topic, but I really do want to know if religious conservatives find it preferable to keep life-saving vaccines away from people rather than run the risk that kids might get the idea in their heads that sex exists.

From liberal conspiracymongers People for the American Way:

Following a recommendation by the Centers for Disease Control, a number of states have implemented or are considering vaccinating girls attending public school against HPV, a virus that causes 70 percent of cervical cancer cases. While vaccinations against measles, mumps, and tetanus are not controversial, the Religious Right sees HPV differently: It is sexually transmitted. The Family Research Council’s Bridget Maher warned that young women may see vaccination “as a licence to engage in premarital sex,” and former Focus on the Family advisor Reginald Finger said that marketing the vaccine “would undermine the abstinence-only message.”

[T]he Religious Right’s strong reaction against “forc[ing] little girls to be shot with a sex virus vaccine” leaves little room in the debate for details about which form parents have to fill out to preserve so-called “parents’ rights.” Instead, the Right’s abstinence-only refrain makes it sound like Texas is requiring girls to carry condoms, as one right-wing group put it. The emphasis on abstinence to the point of excluding other information is already dangerous policy when it comes to sex ed, but it’s doubly so when it comes at the direct cost of passing up a life-saving cure – especially when many on the Right acknowledge that abstinence might not be enough. Vaccination would protect not only the 94 percent of women who have sex before marriage, but also those who “practice[] abstinence and fidelity” yet “could
be exposed
to HPV through sexual assault or marriage to an infected partner,” as FRC’s Sprigg admitted.

First of all, can anyone maintain a straight face while arguing that the “94 percent of women who have sex before marriage” do so because they learned about sex in public school? Actually, I’m sure some people can. They’re wrong. I’m happy to argue that point further, but I’ll move on.

The position seems to be thus:

  1. We should not teach sex ed in schools.
  2. We should not educate kids about, nor distribute the means of, protection against STD’s or pregnancy.

I suppose the resulting assumption, then, is that people are endowed by God with all the necessary knowledge re: sexuality on their 18th birthday? Well, since our tax dollars are also being spent to encourage abstinence among adults, maybe that is not the case.

Some say it is a slippery slope (yes, I’m talkin’ to you, CK)…okay, where would said slope lead? If we have to give sixth-grade girls shots of yet another vaccine is the slope that we would have to tell them more and more about sex, or that we would have to start giving them more and more vaccinations? Today, an HPV vaccine…tomorrow, a vaccine against, uh, herpes…by next year, we will be vaccinating our children against livestock-based STD’s. I don’t see it happening.

If the concern is about having to explain it to kids, a few questions:

  1. How many sixth-grade girls really listen to their parents? Seriously, I have no idea, but I doubt it’s a huge number.
  2. How is vaccinating someone against a virus that renders its victims infertile and/or kills them a bad thing? Why not play up the aspect of “this will protect you from an unpleasant bug” rather than “now you can shag little Johnny from down the street with reckless abandon”? It’s the religious conservatives who are constantly cataloguing the omnipresence of sexuality in our culture–a catalog I would totally want to see, BTW.

My point is this: kids aren’t taught sex ed, kids aren’t taught about contraception, kids aren’t protected against preventable STD’s, kids develop hormones, nature takes its course in secret because the ‘rents would totally freak, and then adults act surprised and horrified when teens turn up pregnant or with STD’s or cancer.

Sure it’s a slippery slope–I just have not been convinced that it’s a slope leading anywhere particularly bad.

And no, I don’t have kids. Anyone who thinks I lack the right/ability to opine on this subject because I am not a parent probably has kids who will grow up to join a Sataninc cult and/or lesbian commune to spite your haughty sense of morality. Or maybe I’m wrong.

BTW, WWJD? He seemed to have a thing for helping the sick. Preventing disease in the first place would have freed him up for even more miracles.

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