In honor of Valentine’s Day, I was planning on writing a snarky fake history of how the holiday came to be, involving an ancient barbarian warlord who sat upon a throne made of human hearts or something. I was going to name him Val-on-Tyne and say he lived in northern England. Two things stopped me: (1) Such an account would require either a heavily-Photoshopped picture or an actual drawing. I don’t want to devote the time to the first and a lack the skill for the second. (2) What little is known about the real St. Valentine is gruesome enough.

Via Americans Against the Tea Party

Via Wikipedia:

Though the extant accounts of the martyrdoms of the first two listed saints are of a late date and contain legendary elements, a common nucleus of fact may underlie the two accounts and they may refer to one single person.^[14] According to the official biography of the Diocese of Terni, Bishop Valentine was born and lived in Interamna and was imprisoned and tortured in Rome on February 14, 273, while on a temporary stay there. His body was buried in a hurry at a nearby cemetery and a few nights later his disciples came and carried him home.^[15]

Via Saints.SQPN.com:

Profile

Priest in Rome, possibly a bishop. Physician. Imprisoned for giving aid to martyrs in prison, and while there converted the jailer by restoring sight to the jailer‘s daughter. While Valentine of Terni and Valentine of Rome sometimes have separate entries in martyrologies and biographies, most scholars believe they are the same person.

There are several theories about the origin of Valentine’s Day celebrations that relate to love and sentiment. Some believe the Romans had a mid-February custom where boys drew the names of girls in honour of the sex and fertility goddess, Februata Juno; pastors “baptised” this holiday, like some others, by substituting the names of saints such as Valentine to suppress the practice. Others maintain that the custom of sending Valentines on 14 February stems from the belief that birds begin to pair on that date; by 1477 the English associated lovers with the feast of Valentine because on that day “every bird chooses him a mate.” The custom of men and women writing love letters to their Valentine started on this day. Other “romance” traditions have become attached to this feast, including pinning bay leaves to your pillow on Valentine’s Eve so that you will see your future mate that night in your dreams.

Died

• beaten and beheaded c. 269 at Rome
• buried on the Flaminian Way
• relics later translated to the Church of Saint Praxedes

It’s an interesting enough story as it is. Just fill in the blanks with some political intrigue. Maybe picture Ciarán Hinds in the role of Valentine.