I quit the active practice of law in 2011. While I still have a few cases I’m wrapping up, I last took on a client more than two years ago. This means that, although I still have an active law license, I do not want to help you with your legal matter.

I’m not trying to be rude. In fact, this is my hail Mary attempt at saying this as politely as possible: your lengthy recounting of your “simple” legal issue makes me want to break things on your head. That’s not really your fault. It probably has a lot to do with the way several years of family law broke my brain. The specific reasons why I left the active practice of law are mine alone, but suffice it to say that I do not want to give out legal advice in exchange for money, so I really don’t want to do it for free in a social setting.

Of course, I’m too polite to say any of this to your face, especially when you are pouring out the sordid details of your recent arrest/divorce/custody battle/business merger/naturalization petition. About the only caveat I’ve ever been able to make before the onslaught of personal details involves the fact that I have never practiced criminal defense, yet this never stops people from asking questions about how to handle their upcoming court appearance. Here’s a hint for anyone considering asking a lawyer they know for advice: the advice can always be summarized as “Hire a lawyer, then go to court when ordered to do so.”

It is possible that I will return to legal practice some day. Even then, of course, I will not want to answer your questions for free. So please leave your legal queries for actual law offices or hotlines. If you want to talk to me, the following non-exclusive list of topics will almost never fail to engage me in conversation:

• Game of Thrones (the books or the TV show);
• What the plots of the new Star Wars movies should be;
• Why “ancient alien” theories are idiotic;
• Obscure aspects of World War II;
• Why most M. Night Shyamalan movies don’t actually have plot twists;
• The world’s best key lime pie;
• Improv;
• Why Tom Waits’ music was better before Swordfishtrombones;
• How to be an advocate for animal welfare while still eating bacon; or
• What might have happened in the 10th season of Firefly, had it not been cancelled.

Thank you for your attention, and please piss off with your legal questions.

Photo credit: By Liftarn [Public domain, GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or CC-BY-SA-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons.