This Week in WTF, January 30, 2015

I have gotten very far behind on this particular blog series, so here is a quick roundup of what I meant to post over the past few months (part 1 of 3).

– Pumpkin Spice?: I really can’t add anything to this story:

Citing a satirical news report – which he appeared to take seriously – [Pastor James David Manning, of the ATLAH World Missionary Church in Harlem,] said: “Starbucks is a place where these types frequent and a lot of body fluids are exchanged there.

“The thing that I was not aware of is that… what Starbucks was doing, is they were taking specimens of male semen, and they were putting it in the blends of their lattes.

“It’s the absolute truth. They’re using male semen, and putting it into the blends of coffees that they sell.

“My suspicion is that they’re getting their semen from sodomites. Semen flavours up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.”

By Takeaway (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

“Hmmm, do I detect a hint of……Jeff……in this latte?”

– Bling Your Baby: Have you been thinking that you wish your baby was a bit more crunk, but you’re (a) white, and (b) an idiot who doesn’t know what “crunk” means? Then you should try this gold grill pacifier: Continue reading

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This Week in WTF, November 16, 2012

476339_59249294– Police in Manatee County, Florida arrested a woman for “masturbating while high in Starbucks.” Well, that’s what the headline said, anyway. A police spokesperson claimed that “she was high on crack with her hands going everywhere” and that “her hands went into her pants when she was wigging out.” The police also claimed that the woman was “high on crack” because they allegedly found a pipe with cocaine residue in her purse. However, the spokesperson also conceded that “no one could ever say for sure what she was doing, and I’m pretty sure the video didn’t show anything definitive.”

So, maybe high, and maybe trying to double-click her mouse in the middle of Starbucks. But never let uncertainty stand in the way of a sensational headline!

– In a similar gross misuse of the English language, the Houston Chronicle’s “Celebrity Buzz” section asks the timeless questions “Was Amanda Bynes naked at tanning salon?” I admit I clicked the link out of befuddlement, because aren’t people supposed to be naked, or mostly naked, while tanning indoors? (My clicking of the link had no other motivation whatsoever. Really.)

The actual article gave a bit more detail, now that it had suckered me into clicking the link. Random reports by people who like to report things about celebrities indicated that Bynes might have been “wander[ing] around a New York tanning salon completely naked.” The answer to the titular question? (See what I did there?) No, Amanda Bynes was not walking around naked in the public area of the tanning salon. In fact, she might sue the folks who started that rumor, because suing someone is a great way to deflect attention away from yourself. </sarcasm>

– The latest issue of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s ominously-titled Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report includes a study of energy drink usage among active-duty military personnel on combat deployments. (h/t Anstoetter and McDonough)

The conclusion? Energy drinks cause sleep disruption.

Science wept.

Photo credit: “Mouse in the hand” by idesign-er on stock.xchng.

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