Satire Has Nothing on Actual Right-Wing Publications

Posted on February 12, 2015 by wellsdc

If I wanted to lampoon overblown right-wing rhetoric, I might write a mock children’s book entitled Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!

Someone already beat me to the punch, except they’re apparently not kidding.

This full-color illustrated book is a fun way for parents to teach young children the valuable lessons of conservatism. Written in simple text, readers can follow along with Tommy and Lou as they open a lemonade stand to earn money for a swing set. But when liberals start demanding that Tommy and Lou pay half their money in taxes, take down their picture of Jesus, and serve broccoli with every glass of lemonade, the young brothers experience the downside to living in Liberaland.

Good thing it’s “written in simple text.” That’s far from the best one, though. Check out Raising Boys Feminists Will Hate: Continue reading →

Not cool, Onion

Posted on February 12, 2014 by wellsdc

Not cool at all (h/t Meghan).

This Week in WTF, January 17, 2014 (UPDATED)

Posted on January 17, 2014 by wellsdc

UPDATE (01/17/2014): Thanks to a ~~busybody~~ dear friend’s observation, I have updated the post title to reflect the fact that we are in a new year. Lousy Smarch…

By Christy_Marie_as_Slave_Leia_at_San_Diego_Comic-Con_2006.jpg: Jason Scragz from Portland, Oregon, USA derivative work: Fanfwah [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) or CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Christy Marie as Slave Leia at San Diego Comic Con, 2006 (i.e. not a stripper in Atlanta)

– Wait, what? A gentleman’s club proprietor in Atlanta is planning to open what the Atlanta Banana calls a “science-themed strip club” (h/t Mike):

Hoping to capitalize on DragonCon’s attendance, the proprietor of a new gentlemen’s club, Jabbu’s Hut, has announced the club’s grand opening to coincide with the fantasy and science fiction themed convention on Labor Day weekend.

“Of course we’d prefer to call it Jabba’s Hut,” said Steve Scizz, owner. “But the lawyers would open us up like a Hoth tauntaun and crawl inside.”

Scizz says his club will feature more than just girls dressed up as slave Leias, although there will be plenty of those, even if he calls them “Slave Laylas.” He plans to have his girls costumed across the full spectrum of fantasy, science fiction, and actual science.

“Just imagine getting a lap dance from sexy Marie Curie — non radioactive and in the public domain — or one of those hot night elves like the ones in WOW. We’ll have it all,” said Scizz.

Yes, of course anything posted on a site called the Atlanta Banana is certain to be satire (and it is), but that didn’t stop a few nerdbros from getting cautiously excited about it: Continue reading →

Here’s How to Get Fox News to Switch Sides in the War on Christmas

Posted on December 13, 2013 by wellsdc

At present, Canada, Russia, and Denmark are sort of engaged in a dispute over who actually has territorial sovereignty over the North Pole.

Fox News may have assured us that Santa Claus is white (sarcastic whew!), but they’re clearly missing the larger point here: no matter which way you slice it, Santa Claus is not American.

Denmark may have delicious breakfast pastries, but we all know that they are a bunch of socialists whose policies would mildly inconvenience those in America’s highest income brackets—in today’s political environment, that is of course synonymous with evil.

If Santa is Russian, that means we were allowing a Soviet agent unfettered access to U.S. airspace for decades. Someone should impeach Obama for that.

If Santa turns out to be Canadian? Well, Canada ain’t America, is it?

Is Santa Claus getting a visa every year to come into the U.S.? I could do a FOIA request to find out, but instead I’m just going to declare that he isn’t because freedom.

Fox News needs to get on the case of this taker who’s coming to this country illegally in order to give handouts to people who can’t even be bothered to work full-time jobs.

Fetuses, the 26th Amendment, and Texas Republicans

Posted on September 3, 2013 by wellsdc

Childhood hijinks, or sinister liberal plot?

If fetuses in Texas could vote, they’d probably vote Republican, at least according to one state official:

In a recent speech to an anti-abortion group on the economic impact of terminating pregnancies, Texas Railroad Commissioner Barry Smitherman, a Republican candidate for attorney general, said he believed many unborn babies “would have voted Republican.”

***

Smitherman spokesman Allen Blakemore called the candidate’s statement a matter of statistics.

“Of course he was referring to the ones in Texas,” Blakemore said, “and we know that the majority of Texans vote for Republican candidates.”

I am honestly just too worn out to bother trying to make fun of Smitherman directly, and this comment actually boggles my mind to the point where snark begins to fail me. Instead, I will point out the callous disregard Smitherman shows for children through this comment. Apparently he wants to give the franchise to fetuses, but nothing he said indicates that he would support granting similar voting rights to children between the ages of birth and eighteen. Individuals in that age range do not have the right to vote, per the 26th Amendment to the United States Constitution.

What does Smitherman know about children that would cause him to seek to suppress their voting rights in this manner? What is behind this push for a fetal franchise? Are Texas children far more liberal—and therefore more likely to vote for Democratic candidates—than their amniotic-submerged counterparts? Or is something more sinister at work here?

Or, in the alternative, is Barry Smitherman talking completely out of his ass? History will decide (assuming that we’re still even bothering to teach history in the future).

Photo credit: xandert from morguefile.com.

This is How We Know Obama is Capable of Mind Control

Posted on June 11, 2013 by wellsdc

Mind_Control_by_ang_kaik It turns out that the IRS bureaucrat mostly directly responsible for the IRS scandal is actually a self-described conservative Republican. This blows Darrell Issa’s purported scandal out of the water, as it would seem to demonstrate that this was not some campaign of persecution against conservative organizations orchestrated from on high by the White House, right?

Of course not!

As any good conservative in the year 2013 knows, Barack Obama is guilty of many, many crimes. We just have to figure out what they are.

If the individual who drove the IRS activities in Cincinnati is actually a conservative Republican, that just shows how powerful Obama’s White House really is—they can get Republicans to do their bidding for them!!!

Obviously, the White House is using some sort of mind control device on IRS bureaucrats. Possibly in connection with HAARP.

(Of course, despite Obama’s near God-like powers to control our very thoughts, he is also profoundly incompetent. If you don’t understand why these two viewpoints are entirely logically consistent with one another, you hate America.)

Photo credit: “Mind Control” by ~ang-kaik [CC BY-SA 3.0] on deviantart.com.

Senator Ted Cruz, Green Party Double Agent?

Posted on March 20, 2013 by wellsdc

More than meets the eye?

Ted Cruz, the Republican freshman senator from Texas, has, to put it lightly, been a colossal embarrassment for our state. I won’t even bother listing his accomplishments in his barely two months in office, but if his goal was to keep himself in the headlines making all Texans look bad, then he is doing a bang-up job.

A recent vote on a seemingly uncontroversial resolution, however, has made me wonder if there is something deeper at work here:

In an unusual move, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) objected last week to a routine Senate resolution commemorating Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week.

Congress passes hundreds of resolutions, meant to commemorate everything from a special awareness week or Little League champions. The resolutions lack any real power of law and are predominantly ceremonial. For example, earlier this month the Senate passed resolutions to mark “World Plumbing Day” and commemorating the three-year anniversary of the Haiti earthquake.

In order to keep business moving and not clog the Senate floor, they are normally passed in bulk through a “unanimous consent agreement,” meaning a vote isn’t tallied since both sides agree to it.

But last week, Cruz objected to including the MS Awareness resolution. He was unhappy with a clause in the resolution describing the purpose of the Multiple Sclerosis Coalition, according to a Democratic staffer.

Now, I suppose we should take anything a “Democratic staffer” says with a grain of salt, as it could be anybody from a 16 year-old Senate page to Vice President Joe Biden. Either way, it is unlikely to be someone with first-hand knowledge of the contents of Ted Cruz’s head (that joke is too easy.) We don’t know, based on Politico‘s reporting, what clause the senator found objectionable. I am going to assume that it reads “WHEREAS, kittens are adorable…” Continue reading →

Because it is time for a chuckle, dangit

Posted on March 8, 2012 by wellsdc

Pete Reynolds at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency takes a look at Republican exit polls, and the results are quite revealing. Excerpts follow. Prepare to be shocked, appalled, dazzled, and pwned:

Nearly 60% of those who have nicknamed a body part voted for Newt Gingrich.

Ron Paul was the choice of 72% of voters who have fired a crossbow at a ferret.

People who hired Peter Cetera to sing at their wedding overwhelmingly supported Mitt Romney.

Ron Paul was backed by three-quarters of the voters who purchase their meat from the trunk of a car.

Romney won among people who blog about board games.

Gingrich won a majority of voters who regularly send back hash browns.

Ron Paul won 63% of voters who have accidentally baked their car keys into a pie.

Romney took 88% of the votes among people whose primary issue was yacht parking.

Of those who thought President Obama was not humanity’s largest threat, 96% were just passing by the polling place on their way to Whole Foods.

It is worth reading the whole piece. Unless you are someone who actually takes this field of Republican presidential contenders seriously as anything besides a threat to our nation’s reputation as a nation not full of idiots. If this is the case, please move along quietly, and try not to touch anything.

Cryptic Philosopher

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Tag Archives: satire