My Live-Facebooking of the Presidential Debate, October 3, 2012

For the heck of it, I went back and copied my stream-of-consciousness rants from Wednesday night’s debacle. I mean debate. The now-mythical evening will probably puzzle political scientists for a few minutes, but it at least gave us some memes. (Edited for typos and whatnot):

7:59 p.m. I’m live tweeting this bee-yotch! (I give my ADD 10 minutes before I start seriously thinking about boobs) #debate

8:02 p.m. The last time we had a Presidential #debate, I didn’t even have a Twitter account. How did I share my thoughts? How did we do anything???

8:04 p.m. I’m sure Jim Lehrer is a great #debate moderator, but you know who we need? Mills Lane, that’s who.

8:06 p.m. Obama may have the best excuse in history for skipping out on an anniversary dinner. #debate

8:07 p.m. Since the candidates always answer the first question with a “glad to be here” soliloquy, shouldn’t the first question just be “‘Sup?”

8:08 p.m. Is someone writing down Romney’s 5 points? Because I’m sure he’ll change them tomorrow.

8:12 p.m. Just for the record, Lehrer asked Romney if he had a question for Obama, and he’s making a speech. #debate

8:13 p.m. Okay, seriously, Jim, cut Romney off if he won’t ask a question!!! #debate

8:17 p.m. It’s hard to make accurate statements about Romney’s tax plan when he stays so coy about it. #debate

8:19 p.m. “Now he’s saying that his big bold idea is ‘never mind.'” #debate

8:22 p.m. Romney keeps referencing conversations he’s had with ordinary people. We’ve seen how that tends to go for him, though… #debate

8:23 p.m. Did Romney really just say his first priority is jobs? #debate

8:27 p.m. “Going forward with the status quo won’t work” says Romney. You mean like Republicans blocking everything Obama tries to do? #debate Continue reading

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Republican Challenger Portrays Nancy Pelosi as Leader of a Zombie Cult, Obviously Doesn’t Realize How Awesome That Would Be

Republicans, to borrow a phrase, have a pop-culture problem. To borrow another phrase, while Democrats get to rub elbows with A-listers, Republicans get to “shake Jon Voight’s cold lizard hand.” The downward slide continued this week, with a, uh, memorable ad from a California race.

The plucky challenger for Nancy Pelosi’s seat, John Dennis, has put out an ad depicting Pelosi as some sort of zombie cult leader engaged in animal sacrifice. I do not condone animal sacrifice as a general rule, but I also know the difference between literalism and satire (more so than most Republicans.) What I fail to see, however, is how depicting Nancy Pelosi as leader of some sort of zombie cult–possibly even a zombie army!–is going to make people not want to vote for her. Seriously, who wouldn’t want someone who could command a zombie army as their elected representative?

Let me first say that I don’t believe I have ever heard a Republican candidate address someone as “dude” before. It’s strangely refreshing, while at the same time highly unsettling. That said, the actress portraying Nancy Pelosi appears to have accepted this gig immediately after her final rejection from all the suburban L.A. community theater programs. On a very, very good day, she might pass for a Poor Man’s Jessica Walter, but she’s not likely to even manage the notoriety of a Johanna Goldsmith with this role.

Seriously, though, the knowledge that even the tiniest possibility exists that Nancy Pelosi leads a secretive army of the undead makes me want to fly out to Cali and commit a little in-person voter fraud come November.

(Note to Republicans: The previous sentence is an example of sarcasm. I do not intend to commit in-person voter fraud in California or anywhere else. Nevertheless, feel free to misinterpret me and discuss my blog on Fox and Friends. I need to monetize this biatch.)

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I’m already boycotting CNN

Nancy_Grace

Avert your eyes…

With the first Presidential Debate coming up in a couple of days, it must be time for a boycott! Ultraviolet, which does some excellent work, I must say, is calling on people to boycott CNN’s coverage of the debatesuntil they fire Eric Erickson:

The first presidential debate is just two days away—and it’s a huge opportunity for all of us to send a strong message to CNN: Condoning sexism is bad for business.

CNN has remained silent since Erickson’s outrageous comments referring to the first night of the Democratic National Convention as the “The Vagina Monologues” Almost unbelievable, considering this was nowhere near his first offense. From defending Rush Limbaugh when he called a Georgetown graduate student a “slut,” to accusing women in the Obama administration of pushing American intervention in Libya “like women drivers” with “no plan,” “no map,” and “no shopping list.” (seriously.)

It’s not like firing Erickson would actually do anything to improve the tone of public discourse. Another hydra head would pop up to take his place, and the entire right wing would have an additional whining point to bring up at every opportunity. Still, the message is important, and I wholeheartedly agree that Erickson’s rhetoric tends towards the toxic.

This has nothing to do with free speech rights, by the way, so please, nobody waste the nation’s time by bringing that up. The government isn’t trying to shut Erickson down, private citizens exercising their economic power of the purse are the ones doing this.

I’m sure someone or many someones will weep that liberals are hating on Erickson just because he has an opinion that differs from theirs. I actually love when people make this argument, because to me it signals that the speaker has no intention of actually defending the substance of those opinions. They just want to wail and gnash their teeth that the liberals are being mean to them. If your only retort is that you have a right to your opinion, it could simply signal that you have reached an impasse with an opponent. If that is your opening retort, though, it suggests that you do not actually have an argument, or just can’t be bothered to defend or explain it. Just saying.

At any rate, I will not be participating in the boycott because I do not need to. I refuse to watch CNN as long as they give air time to Nancy Grace. She has done more damage to our concepts of criminal justice and basic jurisprudence (it’s a legal term, look it up) than anyone else in recent history, in my humble opinion.

Photo credit: ‘Nancy Grace’ by Vidiot [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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The Election Gets Surreal, Yo

The 2012 election season has already been a smorgasbord of weirdness, but now it has crossed over into some sort of sublime remix wonderland. Witness President Obama’s 99 Problems Political Remix (lyrics NSFW):

You definitely want to stick it out to the last line.

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Generalissimo Romney

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Via Huffington Post

The latest gaffe (metedura de pata en español) from the Romney camp involves a question of skin tone. I honestly cannot believe I am writing this.

Mitt Romney appeared to be a touch more tanned during an TV interview for Spanish-language channel Univision on Wednesday, prompting suggestions the Republican leader had piled on the make up to make himself more appealing to Latino voters.

I desperately want to call bullshit on this, so that I may continue to cling to a modicum of sanity in this world.

I’m not the only one. Adam Mordechai at Upworthy posits a few hypotheses, and I fully expect to see some good SNL skits about this soon. I just have two comments to direct to the floundering presidential candidates.

1. Don’t refer to anyone as an “illegal alien.” I would say don’t do that on Univision (seriously, what is wrong with you?) in particular, but just don’t say it anywhere.

2. You’ve got a meme here, Señor. I say own it. If you have the ability to transition between former Massachusetts Governor Romney and Generalissimo Romney, you need to own that shit. You might not be the first Generalissimo, but you could be the greatest.

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For the next two months, you are picking a side, whether you like it or not

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”
Rush (the band, not the asshole)

265713_4012This is where the rubber meets the road, people. Like it or not, this country has a two-party system. You may not like Obama or Romney, but come November, one of these two is going be elected president.

If you are going to sit the election out because you just don’t care, you are of no use to anyone. If you are going to sit the election out as some sort of protest against the two-party system, no one can tell the difference between you and the person who can’t be bothered to vote. Protest is only effective if someone other than you knows you are protesting. If you live in a predominately red state but support the Democrat, or if you live in a blue state and support the Republican, shut up and vote anyway.

If you feel like you don’t know enough about the candidates to make an informed decision,  and yet you are reading this sentence, get someone to teach you how to use Google and educate yourself.

If you seriously think a third party is the answer, I will make an exception for you. Please crawl back into whatever cave you live in and wait until November 7. Then, come back out, learn to type without using caps lock, and try the third party again when you might actually be able to make a difference. Also, where the hell were you in, say, December 2008 or some other time when there wasn’t an election staring us in the face? (Oh yeah, you were on message boards telling the sheeple to WAKE UP and OPEN YOUR EYES. How’s that rhetorical technique working for you?)

From now until November 6, you are on one side or the other. Deal with it. If you are going to criticize one candidate, you had better have some plausible explanation for why the other guy would be better. If you are unhappy with something Obama has done, explain what Mitt Romney will do better. If you can come up with a broad, coherent vision of how a Romney presidency would benefit most Americans, demand that the RNC hire you.

If you just want to rip on one candidate or the other, go away, because you’re not helping anything but your own sense of self-importance.

Photo credit: ‘Confusion’ by mvanrens on stock.xchng.

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My reasoned, erudite, and entirely objective take on the 2012 Republican National Convention

Even self-styled Nordic gods have a hard time keeping hold of their hammer now and then.

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Time to lay down some Proverbs

320px-Texas_State_Fair_honeyA few weeks ago, a Texas state legislator came up with an alternative to having public school teachers lead their students in prayer, or posting the Ten Commandments over the periodic table, or whatever else it is that people want to do these days. Via the Texas Freedom Network:

In a post on her Facebook page Monday, [Texas state Rep. Debbie Riddle, R-Tomball] seems to accept the fact that government-sponsored prayer is not allowed in public schools — though students are free to pray in public schools as long as it’s not officially sanctioned by administrators — and she offers an alternative:

I say have a reading out of Proverbs each day in our classrooms.

No, really, she said it. Here’s her full post:

Formal prayer has been taken out of our schools. How about this idea? Read from the book of Proverbs from the Bible. Proverbs is a book of wisdom. Proverbs is in the Holy Scriptures for Christians and Jews. As for other religions — the wisdom won’t do them any harm. This nation was built on Christian and Jewish values and the Bible was actually used in the classrooms in our early days. To toss the very foundation on which our country was built because of political correctness is wrong and we see the results in society today. I say have a reading out of Proverbs each day in our classrooms. What do you think?

Ever mindful that not everyone shares the same faith, Riddle assures all who don’t follow the Bible that “the wisdom” in Proverbs “won’t do them any harm.” See? She’s thought of everything. Except maybe the inevitable avalanche of lawsuits.

I wholeheartedly agree with Rep. Riddle. The Book of Proverbs is full of Bibley goodness, and the children of the state of Texas need to know that far more than they need to know history, or how the human reproductive system works. Let me throw out my suggestion for the first proverb to read, from Proverbs 25:16 (NIV):

If you find honey, eat just enough—
too much of it, and you will vomit.

That bit of wisdom spared me from quite a bit of barfing as a child. With honey-induced vomiting accounting for seventy-one percent of all public school absences [citation needed], Rep. Riddle’s proposal could not come at a better time.

Photo credit: ‘Texas State Fair honey’ by Photo: Andreas Praefcke (Own work (own photograph)) [GFDL or CC-BY-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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This Week in WTF? August 17, 2012

godwincat-thumb-298x319-155479– A fan of right-wing faux-historian David Barton Godwins himself, and not even subtly (cf. Godwin’s Law.)

– A lost parakeet in Japan named Piko-chan is reunited with his owner after telling police its address.

– Authorities in Kazan, capital of Tatarstan, Russia, have found a Muslim sect (some might say “cult”) literally underground:

Seventy members of an Islamist sect have been discovered living in an eight-level underground bunker without heat for more than a decade, just outside the city of Kazan, Russia.

The BBC says four members of a breakaway Muslim sect have been charged with cruelty against children for keeping them underground in catacomb-like cells without heat. Many had never seen sunlight.

Police discovered the sub-terranean community in the Tatarstan region, a mainly Muslim area on the Volga River, during an investigation into recent attacks on Muslim clerics in the region.

Some of the children, aged between one and seventeen had never left the compound, gone to school or treated by a doctor.

A more nuanced view of the compound, suggesting (or hinting) that Russian authorities have exaggerated the conditions in order “to show they are cracking down on radical Islamic groups” comes from The Blaze, of all places.

– Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men in Israel have the latest cutting-edge technology to protect them from seeing hotties out on the street:

New prescription glasses that blur out temptress daughters of Eve are now available for ultra-Orthodox Jewish men in Israel whose religious beliefs require that they strictly avoid contact with women in public, especially “immodestly” dressed women.

The new glasses allow ultra-Orthodox men to maintain a strictly devout lifestyle that prescribes segregation of the sexes on buses, streets, restaurants, parks and other public spaces. According to the ultra-Orthodox interpretation of Jewish law, all contact between unmarried men and women is forbidden.

The Associated Press reports that the ultra-Orthodox community’s “modesty patrols” are selling the glasses equipped with special blur-inducing stickers on their lenses. The glasses allow for clear vision only up to a few meters but all objects beyond that range are blurry.

I have two thoughts on this: (1) This is a far preferable solution, as opposed to trying to dictate what Israeli women must wear or where they can sit. (2) It is very hard not to point out the symbolism of special glasses for ultra-religious individuals that only allow them to see a few feet in front of themselves.

– A newfangled 3D printer in Japan will create a replica of your unborn fetus. As Allegra Tepper at Mashable notes, “It’s kind of like a snow globe — of your unborn child.” So, uh, not creepy at all…

– A civilian contractor, with the oddly-appropriate surname Fury, faces two federal counts of arson for allegedly setting two fires on or near the nuclear submarine USS Miami. The fire on board the sub reportedly caused $400 million in damage and took twelve hours to extinguish. The prosecution is claiming that he set at least one of the fires so he could leave work early. The judge is keeping him in jail until trial.

– Medical marijuana activists sent fake letters, purporting to be from the U.S. Attorney’s Office, to pharmacies in San Diego warning them that they would be shut down within forty-five days. The point of the hoax, apparently, was to highlight U.S. Attorney Laura Duffy’s mission to shut down medical marijuana dispensaries around California (presumably because drugs are bad, mmmkay?), and the disparate treatment pharmacies receive from federal authorities compared to dispensaries. Hard to argue with the message, but the tactic seems very junior high.

Photo credit: Godwin Cat, via dollymix.tv.

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Republican Homoeroticism

20120815-232838.jpgGreat quote from John Cole on the fawning, occasionally drooling commentary on Paul Ryan:

The greatest irony of this election may be that one of the most anti-gay bigots in the House, Paul Ryan, who has been and will continue to be one of the most virulently anti-gay congressmen, will be the source of some of the biggest mancrush reporting we’ve ever seen. This stuff challenges even the thoroughly embarrassing David BrooksFifty Shades of Gay” reporting regarding John Thune that made us all hysterical, and you can bet your sweet ass we’ll be hearing this shit until we beat down these sociopathic Galtian douchebags on November 6th. This may be the gayest election ever (not that there is anything wrong with that), now that David Gregory and the rest of the lot have two full haired American beauties to dazzle them with their high cheekbones and lean bodies and to tell them they and the rest of the country will get the fiscal spanking they so clearly lust for and desire.

Photo credit: ‘Paul Ryan – Stoaty Weasel’ by ufansius, via Tumblr.

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