This Week in WTF, September 7, 2012

360px-Schneekranich_Grus_leucogeranus_090501_We_147– Only about twenty Siberian white cranes remain in the wild. If they don’t migrate soon, it could be bad for them. To encourage them to migrate to their winter habitat, Russian President Vladimir Putin plans to lead them in a hang glider. This is not an Onion headline.

The stunt-prone Russian president will personally pilot a motorized hang glider during a stopover in the far north of the country this week on his way to the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) Forum in Vladivostok.

There are only 20 Siberian white cranes left in the world. Putin will lead a group of the birds on the first leg of their 5,000-kilometer migration, and, if all goes to plan, they will spend the winter in central Asia.

– The FBI has accused a clerk for a federal district court of leaking sealed indictment information to Armenian street gangs.

– Proving the adage that there can be too much of a good thing, a nurse in England suffered an injury in a fall eleven years ago that caused “a medical condition in which she is constantly aroused.” As it turns out, having more than one hundred orgasms a day for more than a decade can be quite debilitating:

Even the slightest pelvic movement – on a train, in a car, doing domestic chores – can trigger a climax, but the sheer volume has left her tired, in pain and unable to have a normal relationship.

That sounds very bad.

– A college sophomore in Ohio allegedly threatened to slap a cop “across the face with his penis” when the cop confronted him about suspected public urination. He was reportedly drunk which, at least when I was in college, seemed to excuse nearly any sort of boorish behavior (at least in the mind of the drunk person.) (h/t to Bob for this one)

Photo credit: ‘Schneekranich Grus leucogeranus 090501 We 147’ by BS Thurner Hof (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 or GFDL], via Wikimedia Commons.

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This Week in WTF, August 31, 2012

360px-AxelS_mit_Bushrag

The Ghillie Suit: For When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Look Like Bigfoot

– A man apparently trying to create a new Bigfoot hoax was struck and killed by two cars along a highway in northwestern Montana. He was standing on the side of the road in a ghillie suit, a military camouflage suit that sort of made him look like foliage.

– A debt collector wouldn’t stop calling an alleged debtor at her place of work. She works at the Texas fast-food chain Whataburger. As we now know, you do not f*** with Whataburger.

Everyone hates harassing calls from unrelenting debt collectors, even the folks at Whataburger Restaurants.

Exasperated officials at the San Antonio-based burger chain have gone to court in an attempt to stop persistent collections calls made to its corporate headquarters to get an unidentified employee to pay up on a debt allegedly owed.

Whataburger last week sued NCO Financial Systems, saying the collection efforts of one of the nation’s largest debt collectors “amount to a campaign of harassment against Whataburger that is unreasonable … and reckless.”

– Speaking of fast food, a Canadian woman is angry because a Dairy Queen in Alberta allegedly sold her daughter a “rancid” hot dog with a moldy bun, and now isn’t saying it’s sorry enough. Dairy Queen says it sent her $100 in gift certificates and an apology, and it insists it was an “isolated incident.” This makes me very curious to know how they store their buns in Alberta, but I think I’ll just let this one go.

– A San Francisco police officer has been suspended because the powers that be disapprove of his hobby, which involves artistic photography of nude women dressed as mermaids, sorceresses, etc. I suspect the department is just worried that they have a nerd on their hands.

– After she got a particularly nasty sunburn on her rear end, the boyfriend of a Bethlehem, Pennsylvania woman probably shouldn’t have swatted her there. You know, because it’s not nice. Also, because the sunburned-and-swatted person might fly into a rage and try to stab you in the chest repeatedly with a kitchen knife. Fair warning.

– Fox News outed one of the guys who killed Osama bin Laden, and al-Qaeda noticed. Hooray patriotism, you jackasses.

– Police in Adelaide, Australia arrested a couple and fined them $4,000 after receiving multiple complaints of their excessively loud sexytimes.

Woman shoots at skunk, hits husband. I think the headline can stand alone.

– A judge in England has banned a repeat sex offender from having “one-night stands” without first running it by his probation officer:

A judge has banned a dangerous sex offender from having “one-night-stands” because of his violent history towards women.

Richard Ford, 41, from New Road, Croxley Green, was told by Judge John Plumstead that he must refuse any “offers on a plate” as unsuspecting women would not be aware of his background.

***

“He is not allowed to take advantage of a one night stand offered on a plate by someone who doesn’t know his background. He is not allowed to form relationships until probation know who with. The choice is that or jail – hard luck.”

He ordered that Ford is not allowed to stay at a woman’s house, have a woman stay at his house, or stay elsewhere with a woman, unless the probation officer knows her name and address beforehand.

My only question here is how to enforce the order. Does this guy have a probation wingman that follows him everywhere? It seems like it would be cheaper to just put him in jail–England doesn’t have that pesky Eighth Amendment, after all.

– There are many ways to deal with the feeling of approaching a woman at a bar and getting shot down. This is not one of them:

Boulder police arrested a man who witnesses say approached a woman and when she rejected his advances, he urinated on her.

And with that, I’m out.

Photo credit: ‘AxelS mit Bushrag’ by Postmanleader (picture by Tekker) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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This Week in WTF, August 24, 2012

320px-Gerber_Machete

Definitely not baby food. I now profusely apologize for any mockery and ask that you please not lacerate me.

– A recent recall announcement from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reads: “Gerber Recalls Machetes Due to Laceration Hazard.” As it turns out, this is not Gerber, the well-known manufacturer of baby food. It is Gerber Legendary Blades, of Portland, Oregon, the company that makes machetes that might cut you. I’m just glad they caught that in time. (To be fair, it sounds like a pretty serious potential hazard: “A weakness in the area where the handle meets the blade can cause the handle or the blade to break during use, posing a laceration hazard.”)

– A strip club owner in Tampa, Florida does not expect the upcoming Republican National Convention, less than six miles from his club, to bring him much business. Time will tell.

– Speaking of Tampa, Rush Limbaugh thinks that President Obama instructed the National Hurricane Center to announce the risk of Tropical Storm Isaac possibly hitting Tampa around the time of the convention. He also said something about turning the convention into a FEMA camp, and then I think an Alien larva burst out of his chest and offered a more sensible take on the news. (NOTE: I might have imagined that last part. The comments about the tropical storm actually happened.)

– A reporter, formerly of the Houston Chronicle, is complaining to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission of sex discrimination. The newspaper fired her in March, allegedly because she neglected to tell them of her other job as a stripper. In what I am certain is a total coincidence, Gloria Allred represents her.

– A casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey neglected to check a shipment of playing cards to confirm that they had been shuffled. They had not been shuffled. Gamblers caught on and won $1.5 million, give or take. The casino is suing the card company, but they’re also suing the winning gamblers for violating the “house always wins” clause.

– A so-bad-he’s-really-bad comedian launches into an absurdly racist routine in front of a young Asian couple and gets (justifiably) knocked out:

Photo credit: ‘Gerber Machete’ by Dana60Cummins (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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“Modern civilization requires tolerance and respect for different values,” he said without irony

If last week’s Pussy Riot verdict didn’t clue you in, Russia is different from America in a number of key ways. For one thing, they are much more forthcoming about their efforts to suppress LGBT rights, enough to file a lawsuit against an American celebrity for daring to speak out:

MOSCOW (AP) — Some Russian activists have sued Madonna for millions of dollars, claiming they were offended by her support for gay rights during a recent concert in St. Petersburg.
Anti-gay sentiment is strong in Russia. In St. Petersburg, a law passed in February makes it illegal to promote homosexuality to minors, and the author of that law has pointed to the presence of children as young as 12 at Madonna’s concert on Aug. 9.

Russian news agencies quote Alexander Pochuyev, a lawyer representing the nine activists, as saying the suit was filed Friday against Madonna, the organizer of her concert, and the hall where it was held, asking for damages totaling 333 million rubles, or nearly $10.5 million.

Responding to criticism that the plaintiffs were stuck in the Middle Ages, the lawyer said they were using civilized, modern methods to defend their rights. “No one is burning anyone at the stake or carrying out an Inquisition,” Pochuyev was quoted by RIA Novosti as saying. “Modern civilization requires tolerance and respect for different values.”

I have not seen any video of Mr. Pochuyev’s interview, but one could read that as an expression of downright disappointment that he can’t fire up a good old-fashioned pyre; or as a barely-concealed threat that, if litigation fails, inquisition is sure to follow.

I doubt he’ll accomplish much more than looking like a buffoon in front of the whole world, though.

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Who needs credibility when you have pepper spray?

Remember Officer John Pike? He’s the UC Davis police officer who decided to shoot pepper spray point-blank in the faces of student protesters who were unarmed, seated, and not committing any crimes. Even the variety of memes based around the now-iconic photograph could not take away the sense of what a chilling moment it was. According to Conor Friedersdorf at The Atlantic, an independent review panel found Office Pike culpable in the incident, the students were not breaking any laws, and Officer Pike was not authorized even to be carrying the pepper spray device that he used that day. It seems like it would be a slam dunk case for Pike’s dismissal and more.

Except it’s not, because screw you, civilian.

The official investigation concluded that Pike’s use of force was reasonable. Pike should have kept his job, but the UC Davis police chief overruled the investigative findings and fired him anyway. The only reason we even know about any of this is because someone leaked the confidential internal affairs investigation report to the Sacramento Bee, which has not published the 74-page document but has reported on it. To summarize, Pike told them to disperse, they didn’t, then he felt threatened, so he pepper sprayed them at point-blank range with an unapproved dispersal device. He explained his calm, seemingly aloof demeanor as the product of him being a “professional.”

Officer Pike no longer has a job, and he hasn’t been working since UC Davis suspended him with pay last November. So yes, he has been drawing a paycheck from California taxpayers for at least eight months.

Whether or not this means that it is open season on America’s university campuses remains to be seen. Friedersdorf interprets the internal affairs report as a “scandalous footnote” to the story, and concludes that:

Lt. Pike was caught on video pepper-spraying seated, non-violent protesters in the face, using a device he was not authorized to carry and that he held closer to their bodies than is recommended. Those viewing his actions on the Internet regarded them as needless and abusive in sufficient numbers that he became a figure of national attention. Two independent reports commissioned by UC Davis concluded that he had acted unacceptably that day in numerous ways.

But the internal affairs process used to discipline police officers concluded that he acted reasonably. It is only because new Police Chief Matthew Carmichael overruled its findings, possibly opening UC Davis up to a wrongful termination suit, that Lt. Pike was reportedly terminated. So I ask again. Can there be any doubt that this system prioritizes the job security of campus police officers above the safety and well being of students? Yet there is no move among the Democrats who run the California legislature to reform this state of affairs, because they are allied with the state’s public employee unions, who understandably prefer the status quo.

So for those of you who wonder why I only criticize “the right,” I now criticize California Democrats. Don’t let this go to your head.

At any rate, I am criticizing California Democrats for their role in enabling the brutalizing of campus protesters by police. There, I lost everyone on the right again. I feel better now.

Consider this: it took someone (presumably illegally) leaking the IA report to the Sacramento newspaper for us to even know that the powers that be in Davis think Officer Pike’s actions were hunky-dory. Ponder what that means the next time a police officer has even an inkling of a feeling that he or she could justifiably claim to be fearful for his or her own safety. Whatever damage this will do to the credibility of police in general is certainly offset by the fact that they have pepper spray, so screw you.

I guess we should at least be grateful that Officer Pike didn’t taze or shoot anybody, right?

(Also, this whole situation, and the era of police brutality it may augur, is only news to affluent white people. People of color have known this about police since the dawn of the Republic.)

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Another reason why you shouldn’t text while driving

5yvwybv4In addition to being part of a growing trend of automobile accidents, you might become a victim of irony:

In yet another example of why you shouldn’t text and drive, an Alabama college student drove off a cliff while texting.

Fortunately, he survived, but incurred some serious injuries. After six months of recovering, he’s finally able to talk about it.

Right before Chance Both’s truck went over a cliff, he texted, “I need to quit texting, because I could die in a car accident.”

Seriously, folks, don’t text while driving. Even if you’re as lucky as this guy, it’s not as funny as it might sound. It’s also completely illegal in many places.

 

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This Week in WTF, August 3, 2012

Russia_stamp_no._1030_-_2012_Summer_Olympics_bid– Conservative British Prime Minister David Cameron disses presumptive presidential candidate Mitt Romney:

“We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”

So does London Mayor Boris Johnson.

– Representative Mike Kelly (R-PA) likens the Obamacare contraception mandate to the 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor and the September 11, 2001 terror attacks. No really, this happened.

– A former Chick-fil-A employee is suing the company because of reasons:

Former Chick-fil-A employee Brenda Honeycutt is suing the company for gender discrimination, alleging that owner and operator of Duluth, Georgia’s Chick-fil-As, Jeff Howard, fired her so that she could be a “stay home mother” despite her “satisfactory-to-above-satisfactory employment history with the company.

“During the Plaintiff’s employment, Defendant Howard routinely made comments to the Plaintiff suggesting that as a mother she should stay home with her children,” the lawsuit states.

– A church in Mississippi, one of the states composing our allegedly post-racial nation, refused to marry a couple because they are black:

A black couple in Crystal Springs, Mississippi says that a predominantly white Baptist church refused to let them get married because of their race.

Charles and Te’Andrea Wilson told WLBT that the day before they were to be married, the pastor of First Baptist Church of Crystal Springs informed them the ceremony would have to be moved due to the reaction of some white church members — even though the couple had attended the church regularly.

“The church congregation had decided no black could be married at that church, and that if [the pastor] went on to marry her, then they would vote him out the church,” Charles Wilson explained.

We have to respect the delicate feelings of “some white church members,” amirite? I can’t wait to hear if there’s a non-discriminatory explanation.

– A small airplane towing a banner with a marriage proposal crashed in Rhode Island, after the pilot had to ditch. The pilot was found uninjured, after his apparently genius 8 year-old son helped the Coast Guard locate him. No word on whether the intended recipient of the proposal said yes.

– A puppeteer on a Christian-themed children’s show in Florida is arrested for conspiracy to kidnap children and, uh, other stuff. It sounds like police have evidence of some pretty heinous stuff, but it is not clear exactly what he actually did regarding the kidnapping conspiracy charge, versus what he just talked about doing. Technically, “extensive Internet chats about eating children” are not illegal in and of themselves without taking a furher step……you know, I don’t really want to talk about this.

– Some Breitbartian named John Nolte thinks that a new Skittles ad promotes bestiality or something. In other words don’t chase your Chick-fil-A sandwich with Skittles. Or Oreos. I’ll have to get back to you on which candies and cookies have the Almighty’s stamp of approval.

Photo credit: ‘Russia stamp no. 1030 – 2012 Summer Olympics bid’ by Russian Post/Beltyukov V., painter [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Chick-Fil-A: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, and the WTF? – UPDATED x 2

320px-ChickFilA-ChickenSandwich

This is what everyone is so worked up about never eating again.

The Good: The Muppets (well, the Jim Henson Company), sever their ties to Chick-Fil-A.

The Bad: The mayor of Boston tells Chick-Fil-A to take a hike. So does the mayor of Chicago. As much as I may wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment, this is not a good idea. Near as I can tell, Chick-Fil-A has not done anything illegal, per se. It would be one thing if the company could not meet some municipal requirements for fairness in hiring, or something similar, but this appears to be a rejection by city officials, in at least two major cities, based solely on the content of Chick-Fil-A’s speech. This has First Amendment problems written all over it, because as long as Chick-Fil-A isn’t breaking the law, it can say whatever dumb crap it wants. We, as consumers, exercise our free speech by criticizing the company, and we exercise our economic rights by eating nasty fried chicken sandwiches elsewhere. The government ought to stick to enforcing the law. Plus, this action potentially sets a dangerous precedent, giving free reign to a far less tolerant mayor of some other city to deny a corporation that supports same-sex equality. (NOTE: The mayor of Boston has withdrawn his threat to bar the company from setting up shop in town.)

The Ugly: Chick-Fil-A recalls its Muppet-themed toys, citing “safety” concerns. Specifically, it claims that, although “there have not been any cases in which a child has actually been injured, however there have been some reports of children getting their fingers stuck in the holes of the puppets.” People all over the world try not to giggle, and very few believe that this announcement is unrelated to contemporary events. (NOTE: If there haven’t been any actual safety concerns, someone could get in quite a bit of trouble for saying that there are.)

The WTF? Someone pretends to be a teenage girl on Facebook in order to lamely defend Chick-Fil-A. Nothing directly links several fake Facebook pages to Chick-Fil-A, so it is likely to be some rogue ally whose help Chick-Fil-A is better of without. The girl’s account promptly disappears from Facebook once “she” is called out. Wil Wheaton helpfully puts out this missing person report:

 

The entire world of social media shudders in dismay. Names like Abby Farle and Cordell Bunton may go down in obscure social media history.

Honorable Mention: Rick “Frothy” Santorum joins Mike “The Huck” Huckabee (he needs a better nickname) in standing up for Chick-Fil-A. So Chick-Fil-A traded the Muppets for these two? Ouch.

UPDATE: Based on my “dangerous precedent” argument above regarding the cities of Boston and Chicago, astute reader Kathleen points out that the precedent, in a sense, was already set nearly two decades ago, right in my own backyard. The commissioners of Williamson County, Texas decided not to give tax breaks to Apple because of Apple’s policy on benefits for same-sex partners. As the AP reported on December 1, 1993:

Commissioners of a Texas county on Tuesday refused to give a tax break to Apple Computer Inc., citing the company’s policy of granting the same health benefits to partners of gay and lesbian employees that it does to heterosexual spouses.

Apple had sought $750,000 in tax abatements over seven years to build an $80-million, 700-employee complex in Williamson County, just north of Austin.

County commissioners rejected the tax abatements, 3-2.

“We’re very disappointed at this time,” Apple spokeswoman Lisa Byrne said. “We’re going to regroup and review our operations. It is unlikely we will locate in Williamson County.”

Debate on the tax break for several weeks centered on Apple’s domestic partner policy.

“I cannot in good conscience extend that benefit to them (Apple) because of the conviction I have that same-sex partners is wrong,” Commissioner Greg Boatwright had said earlier.

After the vote, Charlie Culpepper, the mayor of Round Rock, which is the largest town in Williamson County, said he disagreed with the commissioners.

“I don’t agree with the idea of same-sex marriages, but government needs to stay out of business. Families need jobs,” he said.

I note a couple of key difference between Williamson County’s decision and the mayors of Boston and Chicago, but the overall principle seems to be the same.

1. The mayors in Boston and Chicago seemed to be wanting to deny Chick-Fil-A the right to set up shop in their towns entirely. In Williamson County, it was a decision not to give them a tax break. It’s mostly a cosmetic difference, since such an enormous tax break would constitute most of the incentive for a company to locate in a particular place. At any rate, Apple seems to be doing just fine in Austin, thanks.

2. In Boston and Chicago, the decision was motivated by disagreement with statements made by the company’s owner, essentially ratified by the company’s history of donations. This is, first and foremost, disagreement with the content of the company’s speech. With Apple, the Williamson County commissioners did not disagree with any particular statement of the company, but rather its employment practices. My spin would be that the commissioners objected to the fact that Apple didn’t discriminate against its gay and lesbian employees. I’m not sure if this is any more defensible than a disagreement over speech, but it is a distinction worth noting.

UPDATE 2: The ACLU of Illinois seems to agree with me (h/t Consumerist):

Alderman Moreno’s single-handed actions are wrong and dangerous. The ACLU of Illinois strongly supports full recognition and fair treatment for LGBT persons in Chicago and across Illinois. Indeed, our strong support for the LGBT community led us in May to file a lawsuit challenging the state ban in Illinois on the freedom to marry for same-sex couples. At the same time, we oppose using the power and authority of government to retaliate against those who express messages that are controversial or averse to the views of current office holders. In this instance, the Alderman is using his governmental authority to exclude a business from opening its doors simply because the corporate leadership has expressed anti-LGBT views in the public. This use of government authority simply is not permissible under our Constitution.

We also are concerned how this practice might be applied in the future. If the government is permitted to deny entrance into a Chicago community to Chik-Fil-A based on statements about public policy, then government elsewhere will have the power to exclude the expanding number of businesses who support fairness for LGBT people. Over the longer term, such government censorship would undermine the growing success of the LGBT rights movement.

Photo credit: ‘Chick FilA Chicken Sandwich’ by J. Reed (Flickr) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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You are not John McClane. Neither is anybody else.

If only other people in that theater had been armed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened…

This sentiment has made its way around since Friday. For the most part, it is a fantastical load of bull. Here’s why.

Dark theater, loud movie, intense action sequence. Add to that a deranged gunman and a room full of people who were not expecting real gunfire. I have never attempted to shoot a specific person in a crowded theater full of panicked people, and neither has almost 100% of the American public. It sounds prohibitvely impossible. Did I mention that this all occurred in the dark. In. The. Dark.

Experienced Delta Force operators would have difficulty with that sort of situation, I imagine, because once again, no one expected gunfire.

In a crowded, chaotic, dark environment, several questions present themselves. What if you shoot and miss, and hit an innocent bystander? What if you see someone with a gun, you shoot, and you then learn that the person you killed was a fellow CHL carrier, also trying to take the shooter down? What happens when the cops show up? They are, in all likelihood, not going to know that you are a heroic defender of the innocent. They are going to see an asshole with a gun, and it is highly likely that they are going to take you down. They may or may not conclude that you were not an aggressor, but by then you’ll be dead, and the cop who shot you will probably still get a medal.

It is very comforting to think that an armed citizen could have handily taken the shooter in Aurora down, and it is possible that someone with sufficient training and skill could have. The odds are very much against it, and pondering it is really just a comic-book fantasy that we use to make ourselves feel better and to tell ourselves “I would have done it differently.”

David Weigel at Slate looks at the reality of trying to shoot this guy in the context of a darkened, noisy theater filled with what might have been tear gas. He discusses past situations where a bystander did successfully stop a shooter, noting that they all occurred in open spaces and in broad daylight. In a follow-up piece, Weigel talks to Greg Block, a federally-certified firearms safety trainer with twenty-nine years of experience. Block, to put it mildly, knows more about firearms than most people talking about arming the moviegoers will ever, ever know. Block thinks that he, personally, could have gotten the drop on the shooter, but for the fact that it was dark, crowded, and full of disorienting smoke. He says he could have gotten shots off within two seconds. Among anyone reading this, or anyone that anyone reading this knows, how many people could fire multiple accurate shots from a pistol within two seconds of drawing their gun? Again, I can’t say for certain, but I suspect the answer, if not zero, is asymptotic to zero. How many people who want to carry guns in public could even have the reaction time to draw, identify the correct target, and shoot in under two seconds? Very, very few, I reckon. Unless, of course, you are a current or former Delta Force operator.

We stopped being the kind of society that spends a significant portion of its free time preparing for gun battles over a century ago. Do we really want to go back to that? Because that is the only way that arming the moviegoers would have even stood a chance of success, i.e. if everyone had gone in there mentally prepared for battle.

What Happens When Bystanders Have Guns

Two fairly recent stories cast doubt on any guarantee of a happy outcome when law-abiding citizens are armed. Continue reading

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In today’s America, coal-mining activism has more porn than actual porn

An activist attempts to demonstrate the effects of pollution on her coal-mining community, and gets accused of possessing and displaying child porn.

A 17 year-old famous for being really creepy launches a website with provocative pictures of herself, and people snicker.

Marc Randazza describes what happened to West Virginia activist Maria Gunnoe:

A West Virginia coal activist hoped that she would be able to improve the environmental conditions for her neighbors by attending a house committee meeting in Washington, D.C. to present the story of her community. Instead, she was accused of attempting to show pornographic pictures of children.

The water on Maria Gunnoe’s property is not potable. Because of her community’s proximity to a coal-mining source, the water has been contaminated by the coal industry’s retrieval process. To illustrate this point, Gunnoe wanted to present a series of photos, one of which included a toddler taking a bath in a pool of orange-colored water. The politicians present decided it was inappropriate and would not allow her to make her presentation, as the child was naked. Police pulled her aside and apparently questioned her about child pornography.

You can view the photo here. Is this really what passes for child porn these days? A photo of a toddler taking a bath? The most disturbing aspect of this photo is the water she’s bathing in, not that she’s unclothed.

The War on Child Porn has gone so overboard that even the most innocent of photos — whose mom doesn’t have a photo like that of them lying around? — is considered “child porn.” Anyone who calls that photo child porn is either just trying to underhandedly shut down Gunnoe’s speech, or they’re sick fucks who fap to kids themselves — or both.

Compare that to the website of allegedly-17 year-old Courtney Stodden, who married some 50-something actor famous for marrying Courtney Stodden (no, I am not linking to it, and you may go and compare at your own risk.)

On the one hand, you have a photo of a child taking a bath, something every parent probably has (yes, there are bathtub photos of me out there, none of which have ever been digitized.) On the other hand, you have a teenager who will turn 18 sometime this year, posting naughty (but not nude) photos of herself.

The latter set of pictures gets splashed all over tabloids and the news, despite having no news value whatsoever. The former gets suppressed out of sudden concern for the welfare of a child forced to bathe in orange-colored coal-water.

One set of photos is meant to educate people about a serious problem, and serve an advocacy function. The other set is showing off a minor’s goodies. Since part of the definition of “pornography” involves an appeal to “prurient” interests, it ought to be clear which one is the real porn here. Courtney Stodden might not actually be showing any specific naughty bits, but it’s hard to call the site anything but “prurient.”

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t really care. I have no interest in Stodden’s website, and it honestly causes me pain to devote this much attention to her. Her parents seem to approve of everything that she has done up to now, and she is close enough to age 18 that she can’t exactly be called a “child.” It’s really none of my business what she does. My point is about consistency. I wholeheartedly agree with Marc Randazza that concern over alleged child porn, while it is a problem, has reached an unsustainable level of insanity. These laws are applied where convenient, where politically expedient, or where they can most effectively distract the discussion from something like, say, coal pollution.

We now live in a world where a teenager who takes a picture of him- or herself (usually her, though) can be charged with possession of child pornography. Fotunately, at least one federal appeals court refused to go along with that.

The rationale of the police who handled that case is rather remarkable:

“It was a self portrait taken of a juvenile female taking pictures of her body, nude,” said Capt. George Seranko of the Greensburg Police Department.

Police said school officials learned of the photos in October. That’s when a student was seen using a cell phone during school hours, which violates school rules. The phone was seized, and the photos were found on it, police said. When police investigated, other phones with more pictures were seized.

“Taking nude pictures of yourself, nothing good can come out of it,” said Seranko.

***

Police said the girls are being charged with manufacturing, disseminating or possessing child pornography while the boys face charges of possession.

“It’s very dangerous,” said Seranko. “Once it’s on a cell phone, that cell phone can be put on the Internet where everyone in the world can get access to that juvenile picture. You don’t realize what you are doing until it’s already done.”

And of course, the way to deal with the threat is to put the girls–who let us not forget, are supposed to be the victims here–in a position where they could spend the rest of their lives on a sex offender registry. For their own protection, I guess. Bravo to the Third Circuit for not going along with this. Education, and maybe more adult supervision, sure. What kind of twisted mind thinks throwing teenagers in jail for this is an appropriate response?

Meanwhile, Maria Gunnoe cannot present her case before Congress.

And Courtney Stodden, after inventing “floor flashing,” gets a reality show.

And a group of teenagers nearly had their lives ruined because they made some bad decisions with cell phones that only hurt themselves (and the cops wanted to send them to prison for an act of which they were the only victims, if you even want to call them “victims.”)

Blogger Aaron Brady, who first reported Gunnoe’s story, knows what this is all really about:

Coalfield activists like Maria face threats, intimidation, and vandalism regularly; she’s received verbal threats to her life, her children have been harassed at school, “wanted” posters of Gunnoe have appeared in local convenience stores, and so forth. This is a strong lady, and I suspect I’m not wrong to say that it’s far from the worst of the shit she’s faced for daring to be strong in a part of the country where Coal is King. It was just the kind of insulting humiliation that it was meant to be. Coal-friendly congresspeople were using the resources at their disposal to harass someone who had the nerve to speak out against the industry they shill for, to try to intimidate someone like Maria who speaks for (and is) one of the people that industry poisons.

But it’s pretty clarifying, don’t you think? The real obscenity is that people drink that water, that they have no choice but to bathe in it, and to bathe their children in it. You know that, and I know that. But if a massive surface mining operation in the vicinity of your house poisons your water table, and if your well water runs brown with coal sludge and heavy metal particulate, well, that’s just the cost of doing business in America, a cost that will be paid by the Appalachians who only live there. It’s regrettable, at best. You can’t call the police and the state doesn’t want to know. And if you dare to take a picture of child’s exposure to that poison, if you have the nerve to walk into the halls of Congress and show them the obscenity that is a child that must wash herself with poison every day, they will call you a child pornographer. They will call the police.

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