Odd Olympic Editing

With live streaming of most events, NBC seems to be doing a pretty good job of allowing us to see as much of the Olympics as possible. With one major exception: they omitted a musical number in the opening ceremonies in favor of a bland interview with a rather bland athlete. The musical number may or may not have been a tribute to the victims of the July 7, 2005 terror attacks in London. Why NBC would omit that is still beyond me, but NBC’s explanation defies comprehension:

When asked about editing the song-and-dance performance, an NBC Sports spokesman responded in a statement: “Our program is tailored for the U.S. television audience. It’s a credit to [opening ceremony producer] Danny Boyle that it required so little editing.”

I’m not sure if this is a way of damning Danny Boyle with faint praise, or if I should feel insulted that NBC doesn’t think I, as an American, could normally understand British television without the help of Danny Boyle and NBC. Either way, this is fishy.

NBC has exclusive rights to broadcast the Olympics in the United States, and it seems like we are subject to trademark warnings in almost every commercial break. Given that, you’d think they would at least have the courtesy not to blatantly edit something as major as the opening ceremony.

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“Every Day’s a Good Day When You Paint”

When life has you down, just remember that:

This is your world – you’re the creator.

Best comment on YouTube, by user Rambw249:

Bob Ross didnt die. God just wanted to learn how to paint. “All you gotta do is believe”

Even if you don’t paint, go find something to create. Bob Ross left us seventeen years, ago, on July 4, 1995, but he found a way to live forever.

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Why I won’t complain about Magic Mike

Magic Mike is a movie with a plot (or so I hear), as well as a bunch of buff dudes covered in Crisco. When it came out in theaters a few weeks ago, women started getting together in groups to go see it, and apparently hooting and hollering ensued. Of course, women getting excited en masse about overtly sexualized dudes makes other dudes uncomfortable, and has led to dudes complaining that if dudes did the same thing for a movie about female strippers, people would get all offended.

If there was a movie being released about a bunch of hot female strippers, there is no way straight guys would get away with the kind of consistent excitement that has been expressed via detailed Facebook and Twitter posts, as well as casual conversations. The feedback would be all rolled eyes and “You’re sexist!” comments.

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This is a false comparison, because there would never be a reason for guys to go en masse to see a movie with hot, buff actresses. There is no point in complaining about Magic Mike, and here’s why: I don’t have to look to find female sexuality and/or nudity, because it is everywhere, and the media brings it to us. I can look anywhere in the whole damn world. “Gratuitous nudity” almost always means female nudity, and frontal nudity is almost exclusively female in mainstream movies. Let’s not pretend that one popular movie with an extensive array of well-oiled pecs somehow upsets this overall balance.

Just one example from the past week is Michelle Jenneke, “The Beautiful Dancing Hurdler.” An animated GIF of her doing some sort of warm-up wiggle dance made Mashable’s list of “Top 10 GIFs of the Week” (BuzzFeed has ten more GIFs.)

She is apparently a very good hurdler, competing for Australia at the 2010 Singapore Youth Olympic Games. I just assumed she popped up on the internet’s radar because of the upcoming Summer Olympics, but she’s not even competing in the Olympics. She’s just really hot.

I hope she does well in her career. By all accounts, she is a very good runner, making her more Maria Sharapova than Anna Kournikova. This is very common in women’s athletics, which tends to focus on the hotties. To use one example from the men’s sports world, David Beckham is a very good soccer (football) player. He is also quite the handsome fellow. When he plays soccer, though, you know what you can’t see? His abs. (A better example might be beach volleyball, where the difference in uniforms between men and women is, uh, striking, but Beckham has good name recognition. In place of Beckham, picture Karch Kiraly if you must.)

Sometime soon (probably during the Olympics), another young hottie will make an inadvertent internet debut. A movie will have gratuitous female nudity. Tabloids will report on how women’s beach bodies are looking (they’ll report on men, too, but in a much more forgiving manner.) Depending what Hollywood learns from the experience of producing Magic Mike, we may not see another overt dudes-on-display movie for a while.

So chill out, guys. You don’t have to make a special trip to the theater to see a T&A parade. Just turn on your TV or load Firefox. The gravy train of boobs will continue for the foreseeable future, probably picking up speed. It may have benefits to society in some way. Eventually someone will unlock unified field theory by studying Kate Upton’s jiggling boobs, and that person will win the damn Nobel Prize.

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A Belated (and Wholly Inappropriate) Memorial to Ray Bradbury

Ray Bradbury, who passed away on June 5 at the age of 91, was a pioneering author, and he apparently inspired this, uh, video from 2010 (obviously NSFW).

Sorry about that.

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Humor works best, Mr. Tosh, when it points up

There’s a reason why famous people get “roasted” once they have had a chance to develop a career. Roasting a venerable celebrity is funny, because the audience knows the person (or their persona) and it’s fun to see someone on high get taken down a few pegs in a jocular, agreed-upon-in-advance manner. If celebrities roasted some newcomer just getting their start, though, they’d just look like assholes.

Daniel Tosh, by all accounts, is quite an asshole.

I wrote a little while back that rape is not funny. I stand by that statement.

I also believe that, in comedy, nothing is definitively off limits, but it’s one person in a million that has the self-awareness and comic chops to pull off a joke about the most damaging, hurtful concepts. Daniel Tosh is with us among the 999,999 people who can’t pull it off.

To review:

– An anonymous woman writes of her experience watching Tosh at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles:

So Tosh then starts making some very generalizing, declarative statements about rape jokes always being funny, how can a rape joke not be funny, rape is hilarious, etc. I don’t know why he was so repetitive about it but I felt provoked because I, for one, DON’T find them funny and never have. So I didnt appreciate Daniel Tosh (or anyone!) telling me I should find them funny. So I yelled out, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny!”

[snip]

After I called out to him, Tosh paused for a moment. Then, he says, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…” and I, completely stunned and finding it hard to process what was happening but knowing i needed to get out of there, immediately nudged my friend, who was also completely stunned, and we high-tailed it out of there. It was humiliating, of course, especially as the audience guffawed in response to Tosh, their eyes following us as we made our way out of there. I didn’t hear the rest of what he said about me.

– The proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan.

Tosh apologizes, sort of, saying he was misquoted but not saying what he actually said.

– Other comedians defend Tosh for a variety of reasons.

– The Laugh Factory’s owner offers an account of what happened substantially at odds with the woman’s story.

– A few people make astute observations, but most people just sort of wail.

Meghan O’Keefe had some interesting observations, and she hit on how it might be possible for someone to successfully joke about rape: she mentions Sarah Silverman, of whom I’m not a particular fan, who has such jokes in some of her routines (click through to O’Keefe’s post, because I don’t want to quote them).

The difference between her jokes and what Tosh said, basically, is about who in the joke has the power. It is also about consent to being the subject of a joke. Sarah Silverman’s jokes, essentially, are about herself. Tosh’s joke was about someone else who, unlike the subject of a roast, had not consented. Sarah Silverman’s jokes portray an absurd scenario, where the audience’s only accessible reactions are shock or laughter. Tosh’s joke, with a simple shift in tone of voice, becomes a threat–to the list of possible reactions, add fear. If you accept no other reason for why rape jokes are not funny, accept that one.

Austin comic Curtis Luciani has an excellent response to the situation, explaining how these power dynamics determine the lines between funny, creepy, threatening, and downright fucking terrifying. Rape is very, very prevalent in our society, both as an actual act of violence and a cultural motif, far more so than most men realize. Luciani’s analogy is brilliant:

I ain’t buying any of that “If I can make jokes about genocide, why can’t I make jokes about rape?” Horseshit, unless you made those genocide jokes during a gig at the Srebrenica Funny Bone. You got away with making a joke about genocide because your odds of having a holocaust survivor’s kid in the audience were pretty fucking low.

Some extra reading for people who might have a hard time grasping the prevalence of rape in society:

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The Other Great Santini

385px-Ernest_Borgnine_McHale_McHale's_Navy_1962I am of course referring to Ernest Borgnine, who is hopefully not best-known for the role of Dominic Santini on the ’80s TV show Airwolf. He passed away Sunday at the age of 95.

As a kid, I knew his work in Airwolf, but I had no idea that he was an Oscar-winning actor who had appeared in more than a few classic ’50s and ’60s films: From Here to Eternity, The Dirty Dozen, and The Wild Bunch, to name a few. Oh, also Marty, which I still haven’t seen.

He was also the foolish (and doomed) Harry Booth in 1979’s The Black Hole, Disney’s attempt to capitalize on Star Wars. It’s not a good movie, except that it is. He played “Cabbie” in 1981’s Escape from New York, which in retrospect I probably should not have watched as a kid.

He apparently received an Emmy nomination at the age of 92 for a guest part on ER. The last role I saw him in was in a rather pretentious film called 11’09″1 September 11. As the name might indicate, the film is a series of vignettes about the September 11 terror attacks, each one by a different director from a different country, and each one exactly nine minutes, eleven seconds, and one frame in length. “Pretentious” might not be a strong enough word for the concept, but the execution was interesting, and Ernest Borgnine’s performance was great. He played an elderly widower, still in denial about his wife’s….you know what, just watch it:

Photo credit: ‘Ernest Borgnine McHale McHale’s Navy 1962’ by Milburn McCarty Public Relations. It was not uncommon for a network, program sponsor or studio to distribute publicity information through either an ad or publicity agency. (ebay itemphoto frontphoto back) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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Austin, STFU already and watch the show

tumblr_m4ydp91aAk1rsg3x9o1_500I did not make it to Dave Chappelle’s show on Tuesday night. As often happens, I heard about it roughly five minutes after tickets sold out. I’m also not really one to jump through hoops for a “surprise” show. Still, I thought it was great that he was here, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the dumbasses who apparently heckled all the way through the show:

Chappelle put on an almost two-hour set Tuesday night that got sidetracked early by hecklers and fans with recording devices and never really recovered.

Taking the stage in jeans and a light blue t-shirt, a buff and chain-smoking Chappelle brought the packed house to a standing ovation. Chappelle, who allegedly arrived to Austin from Dallas on his motorcycle, said he never dreamed he would have this much fun in Texas. Of course, the provincial and self-righteous Austinites in the crowd yelled out how Austin was not like the rest of Texas. And so it began. A night of shouting, (presumably drunk) morons interrupting the once King of Comedy with their worthless insights.

Now, the city of Austin is taking a drubbing all over the internet: Continue reading

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Zombies, Catsuits, and the Profit Motive

A new addition to the Resident Evil saga is scheduled for a September release. Here’s the trailer:

I enjoy a good zombie movie as much as the next four or five people, but something is really starting to bother me. If the Umbrella Corporation’s goal is global dominance, they chose an ungainly way of doing it. Their schemes put the needlessly-complex terror plots of “24” to shame.

They are obviously not motivated by anything as mundane as profit, because nearly all of the human race–perhaps better known as customers–are either dead or bloodthirsty zombies. I am not an economist, but as far as I know dead people and zombies do not spend money on consumer products. Nor do they invest in markets. Nor do they power an economy in a way that would enable financiers to profit.

Umbrella obviously expects to gain from this somehow. Or, the whole movie franchise is just a series of excuses to showcase Milla Jovovich kicking the crap out of monsters in a hottified way. I don’t have a problem with that at all, except that sometimes I wish they would just be honest.

Another example would be Underworld: Evolution, which built on an intriguing premise of an ages-old feud between vampires and “lycans” (werewolves) in Underworld. The sequel was mostly an incoherent gore fest, with Tony Curran‘s vampire leader running around killing everything in sight for no reason, and Kate Beckinsale

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…I’m sorry, what was I saying?

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I suppose this was inevitable

SyFy left quality original programming behind years ago, so I suppose a parody of a self-parody like Jersey Shore Shark Attack was bound to happen sooner or later.

It’s one thing for Gov. Chris Christie to urge people to “get the hell off the beach.” It’s another for Paulie Walnuts of “The Sopranos” to shout into a megaphone for everyone to flee the Jersey Shore before they’re eaten.

The movie “Jersey Shore Shark Attack,” premiering June 9 on the SyFy channel, is a mash-up parody of guido culture and summertime B-movie horror tropes. It features an odd assortment of actors: Paul Sorvino as the mayor, the aforementioned Tony Sirico as a boat captain, Joey Fatone as himself, and “Jersey Shore”‘s own Vinny Guadagnino as a reporter on the scene.

As for the plot, the title pretty much sums it up, but according to a news release, the film occurs during the Fourth of July weekend as “rare swarms of sharks are converging due to illegal underwater drilling.” The sharks begin to devour residents one by one. A group of Shore regulars open fire on the fishes while maintaining a healthy tanning regimen.

Remember, this is the same network, more or less, that ran Battlestar Galactica for four seasons, so you’d think it would know better. The network then proceeded to never really give Stargate: Universe a chance, so maybe this latest farce is part of a natural downward progression to oblivion.

Of course, this is also the network that foisted Shark Attack 3: Megalodon on us.

The lack of pictures in this post is deliberate, by the way.

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Stan Lee Wept

'lfa_1_covera' [Fair use], via ACC StudiosSo, apparently this really exists:

ACC Studios has published the most politically divisive comic book ever written, Liberality For All #1 (in a series of eight issues) releases nationwide November 2, 2005 . It is an all-new take on the Orwellian future, this time with a captive society oppressed by doves, not hawks. It is the first comic book directly marketed to the “vast right-wing” audience.

While this action-packed, patriotic knee-in-the-groin to the embodiment of the ultra-left is a blatant satire of liberalism, it still asks significant questions about the end result of liberal political policies.

‘It is 2021, tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of 9/11. America is under oppression by ultra-liberal extremists who have surrendered governing authority to the United Nations. Hate speech legislation called the “Coulter Laws” have forced vocal conservatives underground. A group of bio-mechanically enhanced conservatives led by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy, Oliver North, and a young man born on September 11, 2001, set out to thwart Ambassador Usama bin Laden’s plans to nuke New York City.’

When first announced in late July, Liberality For All immediately touched off a controversy that is still raging. The resulting enthusiasm from conservatives, and simultaneous denunciation as neo-con indoctrination propaganda by those on the Left, continues to feed a firestorm on this provocative, full-color, eight-issue, comic book mini-series.

This press release is from November 1, 2005, but I had never heard of this epic controversy until just now. I had also forgotten just how stupid things got around the middle of the last decade. Lest anyone think we have presently entered an unprecedented era of self-styled conservatives completely losing their shit, I present Liberality for All. Things have been stupid for quite a while. (Incidentally, the ACC Studios webpage appears to have received its most recent update in June 2006. Perhaps its editors rage-quit after the Democratic victory in the 2006 mid-term elections.)

The “alternate cover” is pictured here. The fantasy-fulfillment element is quite remarkable. This appears to depict a one-eyed Sean Hannity, for some reason holding an Apple laptop and dressed sort of like an X-Man. The real kicker though, is G. Gordon Liddy, who would be 90 to 91 years old in 2021, riding a hog. The other cover also depicts a by-then 78 year-old Oliver North, but at least it shows him with a cane. Maybe he didn’t receive any “bio-mechanical enhancements.” It is impossible to look at this and not make a joke about how these three probably can’t look at these comic book covers without getting erections. Continue reading

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