Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Posted on October 11, 2012 by wellsdc

Via MemeGenerator

Women are all, like, mysterious and shit, you know?

At any rate, there is a lot of money to be made in perpetuating the notion that women are inscrutable, even to themselves, and it tends to sell a lot of products to people who don’t know the meaning of the word “inscrutable.”

Allow me to speak for a moment from my perspective as a guy who spent most of his life thinking that women were mysterious, practically evanescent figures of wonder, because I think this notion colors the perspectives of far too many people. I cannot in any way speak from the perspective of a woman, or even hope to represent women’s views or interests, but I can address the concerns of male idiots.

(Trigger warning for discussions of rape rhetoric from here on.)

(Also, I admit this post really only addresses gender binary male-female relations. There is a much wider array of experiences and perspectives out there.)

For men who don’t know anything about women (and can’t be bothered to learn), perhaps nothing is scarier than the spectre of the False Rape Accusation. This is a potentially life-destroying threat that any man who attempts physical intimacy with any woman must face. It is, of course, bullshit, but many, many dudes can’t see beyond the tips of their own dongs to realize that. Continue reading →

This Week in WTF, October 5, 2012

Posted on October 5, 2012 by wellsdc

– A college student at the University of Tennessee required hospitalization with a 0.448 blood alcohol level (you read that right) obtained via an “alcohol enema” (you also read that right). As if that wasn’t bad enough, the alcohol administered to the common-sense-challenged frat boy was Franzia Sunset Blush wine. You think you’re hardcore, kid? In my day, we drank Boone’s, and we put it in our mouths.

– A Ukrainian teenager really likes anime. I mean, she really, really likes it, so much so that she has turned herself into an anime character, mostly with makeup. It’s…….uncanny.

– This is from a month ago, but it’s worth mentioning. As if living in Mississippi weren’t bad enough, and living in Mississippi during Hurricane Isaac weren’t even worse, try to imagine living among thousands of dead nutria washed ashore by the storm. Or, you know, don’t try to imagine that. (No disrespect intended towards the good people of Mississippi with that jab at your state. It’s the bad people I was addressing.)

– A Supervisor in San Francisco wants to ban nudity in public spaces.

San Francisco Supervisor Scott Wiener plans to tell nudists to butt out of public plazas and other spots through legislation he is introducing at Tuesday’s Board of Supervisors meeting.

The District 8 supervisor Weiner said he planed to introduce legislation Tuesday that would prohibit display of one’s genitals and buttocks on sidewalks, plazas and aboard public transit.

The proposal calls for a $100 fine for the first offense, $200 for the second and a possible misdemeanor charge for a third. Nudity would still be allowed at events such as the Folsom Street Fair, Pride Parade and Bay to Breakers run.

First off, his name is Weiner. Tee hee. Second, you mean this isn’t already illegal in San Francisco? I feel like such a prude…

– In Oregon, a 70 year-old farmer went out to feed his hogs and never came back. Because they ate him. That’s it, I’m done for this week.

Republican Challenger Portrays Nancy Pelosi as Leader of a Zombie Cult, Obviously Doesn’t Realize How Awesome That Would Be

Posted on October 3, 2012 by wellsdc

Republicans, to borrow a phrase, have a pop-culture problem. To borrow another phrase, while Democrats get to rub elbows with A-listers, Republicans get to “shake Jon Voight’s cold lizard hand.” The downward slide continued this week, with a, uh, memorable ad from a California race.

The plucky challenger for Nancy Pelosi’s seat, John Dennis, has put out an ad depicting Pelosi as some sort of zombie cult leader engaged in animal sacrifice. I do not condone animal sacrifice as a general rule, but I also know the difference between literalism and satire (more so than most Republicans.) What I fail to see, however, is how depicting Nancy Pelosi as leader of some sort of zombie cult–possibly even a zombie army!–is going to make people not want to vote for her. Seriously, who wouldn’t want someone who could command a zombie army as their elected representative?

Let me first say that I don’t believe I have ever heard a Republican candidate address someone as “dude” before. It’s strangely refreshing, while at the same time highly unsettling. That said, the actress portraying Nancy Pelosi appears to have accepted this gig immediately after her final rejection from all the suburban L.A. community theater programs. On a very, very good day, she might pass for a Poor Man’s Jessica Walter, but she’s not likely to even manage the notoriety of a Johanna Goldsmith with this role.

Seriously, though, the knowledge that even the tiniest possibility exists that Nancy Pelosi leads a secretive army of the undead makes me want to fly out to Cali and commit a little in-person voter fraud come November.

(Note to Republicans: The previous sentence is an example of sarcasm. I do not intend to commit in-person voter fraud in California or anywhere else. Nevertheless, feel free to misinterpret me and discuss my blog on Fox and Friends. I need to monetize this biatch.)

Distraction-Free Football in Missouri

Posted on September 30, 2012 by wellsdc

Photo by Eric Blumberg. What were we talking about?

I came across this mildly amusing story during my daily wanderings of the internet (much of which I get paid for, which still blows my mind…) This occurred back in August.

Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel must be taking the Tigers’ move to the SEC very seriously.

So seriously that, apparently, he feels the presence of coeds at his practices to be an unwelcome distraction for his team.

Sports reporter Eric Blumberg of KOMU-TV in Columbia tweeted a photo on Wednesday morning of two women in athletic shorts and sports bras running stairs at Faurot Field. Blumberg says that a Missouri coach asked the two women to “come back later.”

As has been pointed out on Twitter, maybe the coaching staff feared these were SEC spies.

Coach Pinkel apparently viewed the women as a distraction.

This might not have been such an auspicious start for Mizzou’s entry into the SEC. I don’t really know anything about college football conferences. Apparently the major teams in the South are in either the SEC or the ACC, and I have no mnemonic device to remember which schools are in which conference.

I did confirm that Florida State, the school that produced Jenn Sterger, is in the ACC, so Mizzou players will not have to worry about distractions from the likes of her. That is not intended in any way to impugn the fans of the SEC, of course. It just got me wondering, if Mizzou players are distracted by two women running bleachers in sports bras, how do they handle game days?

In the interest of science, and because I am terrible at valuing my own time, I did a quick Google search for “Missouri football fans” and “SEC football fans,” to see how much distraction Mizzou can expect to face from now on. It was, uh, distracting. Continue reading →

Austin, Our Lonely Blue Island

Posted on September 29, 2012 by wellsdc

800px-Austin_from_Congress_Bridge-at_night

The one place in Texas I can stomach living anymore (except maybe parts of Houston)

The City of Austin became the first Texas city to formally support same-sex marriage. The City Council unanimously approved a resolution on Thursday, September 27, 2012. Item #77 on the morning’s agendawas:

Approve a resolution declaring the City Councils intent to support marriage equality in the State of Texas.

I took the liberty of uploading a copy of the draft resolution here (PDF file). The city’s original (also a PDF) is here.

KUT reported on the vote, and the City Council’s statements in support:

Before the vote, local civil rights groups declared their support for the resolution, which was sponsored by Mayor Pro Tem Sheryl Cole and co-sponsored by Mayor Lee Leffingwell and Council member Laura Morrison.

At a press conference, Mayor Pro Tem Cole spoke about the evolution of rights in Texas, quoting Dr. Martin Luther King: “… Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere. Whatever afflicts once directly also afflicts one indirectly.”

Council member Morrison acknowledged the progress made within the Austin community, when it comes to civil rights, but said there was still a ways to go. Morrison pointed to practicality when making her point.

“Marriage equality provides important legal and economic protections including access to health care, parenting rights, property rights and other protections,” said Morrison.

I happen to believe that there is far more to this issue than one of practicality. This about people’s right to live their lives on their own terms. This is about people I care about, who cannot obtain basic recognition of their relationship with their life partner. The fact is that a majority of voters in my state, when they look at my friends, think that they can deny them that right. This mindset baffles me. More to the point, it infuriates and disgusts me.

In 2005, voters approved an amendment to the Texas Constitution that states: “Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.” It then prevents any political subdivision (i.e. a city) from “creat[ing] or recogniz[ing] any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” The amendment, known as Prop. 2 on the November 2005 ballot, passed with 76% voter approval. Travis County, where Austin is located, was the only county in the entire state where a majority of voters disapproved. Continue reading →

“The wealthy are people too”

Posted on September 28, 2012 by wellsdc

The Daily Show had a report the other night on “Sudden Wealth Syndrome” (SWS), a newly-minted disorder afflicting the wealthiest of the wealthy, or about “1% of the 1%,” as Jason Jones puts it:

I am a big fan of the saying attributed to T.H. Thompson and John Watson:

Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle.

Everyone has emotional problems. Anyone can suffer from depression, anxiety, and any number of other mental illnesses. There should be no stigma attached to it, and there should be help and support for those afflicted by it. By that, I mean everyone afflicted by it.

My first reaction is this: It is going to be very hard to get a typical paycheck-to-paycheck 47-percenter to care about the emotional malaise of a beleaguered billionaire. If a millionaire or billionaire is having difficulties coping emotionally, how the *%$#&*!@$# hard do you think it is for someone who has to work 2-3 jobs just to keep the kids fed and clothed?

That is not the best response, though. This is not a competition to see who is more beleaguered, beat-down, or grizzled. Each individual sees the world from a unique perspective, and anyone can, as I said, be struck by depression, etc. The thought that other people have it worse does very little to lift any one person’s spirits (and when you think about it, that is a very good thing.) Here is a redacted anecdote, and then I will tell you what I think the correct reaction to SWS would be. Continue reading →

This Week in WTF, September 21, 2012

Posted on September 21, 2012 by wellsdc

320px-US_Navy_110309-N-FG395-007_The_Los_Angeles-class_attack_submarine_USS_Pittsburgh_(SSN_720)_pulls_into_Naval_Submarine_Base_Kings_Bay_a_routine_port – The commander of a U.S. nuclear submarine reportedly tried to end an affair by faking his own death, specifically by sending the woman a fake e-mail saying he had been killed. She then showed up at his house to express condolences as a “friend,” which kind of ruined the plan. I’m sorry, did I say “commander” of a nuclear submarine. That should say “former commander.” You can probably connect the dots.

– A teenager in Phoenix had a habit of sitting in a tree while waiting for the object of his youthful crush to come home from school every day. Before you start thinking this is the premise for a quirky romantic comedy, when I said “sitting in a tree,” I meant to say “sitting in a tree and masturbating.” He got caught because, and I quote, he “missed his signal” that indicated she was approaching. Since he missed the signal, she caught a full view of him in flagrante delicto with himself. At this point, I don’t want to make jokes anymore, because this (and I can’t believe I still have to say this) is not cool. To drive home the point that this kid has not yet gotten the memo about respecting girls as equal members of humanity, the news story says:

He said he eventually stopped following the girl around because her mother confronted him, and Murray didn’t want the girl’s mother to think that he was stalking her daughter.

However, police allege that sitting in trees and waiting to watch a girl walk home qualifies as stalking.

Gee, ya think?

– A fraternity at Loyola University in Chicago tried to get around zoning restrictions by claiming, based on its mission statement “In the Service of God and Man,” that it is a monastic order exempted from the zoning ordinance. As such, it argued, city officials violated its equal protection rights by denying it a permit. A federal judge disagreed, ruling that it is, in fact, a fraternity. I’m not sure if it’s one of those party fraternities or a service fraternity, but either way, its members are not monks.

– An Asian-fusion restaurant in New York City refused to host a wedding rehearsal dinner for a same-sex couple because, and I am not making this up, “the owner’s son said gay parties are bad for ‘feng shui.'” The restaurant also fired the manager who booked the dinner. The couple is now suing the restaurant. I suppose the restaurant could argue that gay people have an irresistible urge to rearrange furniture, and that it has a constitutional right to manage its own feng shui. Maybe it could introduce old Queer Eye episodes into evidence.

Photo credit: “US Navy 110309-N-FG395-007 The Los Angeles-class attack submarine USS Pittsburgh (SSN 720) pulls into Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay a routine port” by U.S. Navy, photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class James Kimber [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

Dear Chick-Fil-A: Would You Like a Cookie?

Posted on September 20, 2012 by wellsdc

Your waffle-fry powers are useless on me

Chick-Fil-A apparently announced this week that it will no longer give huge gobs of money to anti-gay groups, according to an advocacy group in Chicago.

Of course, it also turns out that the company’s, ahem, charitable foundation, the WinShape Foundation, promoted a fundraiser for an anti-gay group earlier this week, according to The Advocate (h/t Louren).

This reminds me of all the times I have sworn that the chili cheeseburger in my hand is my last one before I start my diet and exercise regimen. (I say that a lot.) Chick-Fil-A will stop funding anti-gay groups, but they’re just so damn tasty!!! (This is a fun metaphor.)

Allow me to give Chick-Fil-A the benefit of the doubt however, and presume that they really, really mean it this time, and they’re really, really going to stop giving money to those anti-gay groups, you know, after this event is over. (To be fair, The Advocate reported that WinShape asked donors not to send checks to them, but directly to the Marriage and Family Foundation. Because telling people where to send their money is completely different from collecting it yourself, amirite?)

So Chick-Fil-A will stop giving money to these groups. Congratulations, Chick-Fil-A, you have taken your first step towards basic human decency.

Do you want a cookie or something?

I’m serious. All you have done with this announcement is meet the baseline standard of common human decency. This does not make you a good company, nor does it make your leaders good people. I hesitate even to say it makes them “not-bad” people. Just as no one got major props for not clubbing baby seals anymore, all you get from me for this is a “well it’s about damn time.”

You’ve started to prove that you have the capacity to not be dicks (you’re not there yet, though.) Now impress us.

Photo credit: ‘Chick-Fil-A Fries’ by J. Reed (Flickr) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

The Right Wing Has Its Chick-Fil-A Moment

Posted on September 16, 2012 by wellsdc

After the big Chick-Fil-A debacle of this summer, in which right wingers around the country stood firmly in support of a large restaurant chain’s First Amendment right to support the execution of gay people in Uganda. Now, the tables have turned, and a different corporation has done something equally vile and despicable, something that strikes at the very moral fiber of the American soul.

Via io9.com

I’m kidding, of course. Dr. Pepper made reference to evolution in a recent ad, and some people on the right have lost their shit.

Dr. Pepper isn’t exactly my favorite soft drink on the market right now, anyway. Well, technically, it is my favorite soft drink, taste-wise, but its douchetastic Dr. Pepper 10 marketing scheme is still stuck in my craw. How fragile is the whole concept of masculinity if a separate drink is required for dudes, with a mere ten calories that have to be separately categorized as “manly”? I can drink Diet Dr. Pepper and Coke Zero without it affecting my gender identity.

Back to the evolution ad, “Evolution of Flavor.” It’s not even a very good ad. Also, I don’t think the backlash is quite as profound as that faced by Chick-Fil-A (and deservedly so.) As Robert T. Gonzalez puts it at io9:

There’s an important distinction separating Dr Pepper from Kraft and Chick-Fil-A: the soda company’s tongue is planted so firmly in its cheek here that it’s practically poking through the other side. This is not about Dr Pepper pronouncing its pro-evolutionary stance, it’s about selling soda with some high-concept ad-design. This shit’s not even scientifically accurate, for crying out loud; conflating this ad with a pro-evolutionary agenda is insulting to actual concepts surrounding human evolution.

If that analysis seems obvious to you, congratulations. You are capable of dissecting the subtleties of an ad campaign (which, let’s face it, really aren’t that subtle) that has thrown a considerable segment of the internet into one of the dumbest shouting matches in recent memory.

I’m going to skip the actual shouting match, because it’s pretty one-sided and entirely stupid.

Besides, everyone knows that evolution played out like this:

Porn and Prejudice: The Right Not to Be Harassed, No Matter What You Do for a Living

Posted on September 12, 2012 by wellsdc

This is the closest I’ll get to posting anything NSFW on here.

“I’m a Porn Star, and if You Harass Me I Will Punch You in the Balls.”

I couldn’t think of a good opening for this post, so I just used the headline from an article by Stoya, posted on Jezebel on Monday. Not everyone knows who Stoya is, and many people pretend they do not know who she is, so let’s get this out of the way. Stoya makes her living as an adult film actress, a/k/a a porn star. If you can handle reading about concepts of opposing the harassment of women in public, and you can handle it in the context of pondering a person who makes a living doing sex stuff in front of a camera, read on. Otherwise, Disney still has a website.

Stoya provides a direct attack on the idiotic notion that, if a woman has sex on film or video, she must like having sex with everyone, and therefore she’ll have sex with me. A South Park episode once featured Kurt Russell being forced to go through a Stargate-like device, because he once did it in a movie. The point of the joke was that it is absurd to expect a person to do something in real life just because they did it in a movie. Porn actresses do not get that sort of deference, though. When you stop to think about it for more than one second, it makes sense that she ought to be able to have a normal life, free from excess groping, the same as anybody else. And yet: Continue reading →

Cryptic Philosopher

Didn't Stop Believin'

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