Here’s Something for Your Valentine’s Day Angst, with Fluffy Bunnies

Posted on February 14, 2014 by wellsdc

I’ve posted this video before, but I thought I’d offer it again for anyone experiencing any anxiety or angst about Valentine’s Day.

The song is, obviously, “Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me” by the Australian band TISM.

My favorite part comes right after the bridge:

Our lives have to die
Of that there’s no help
My favourite way to end them
Is the orb-weaver spider’s whose pedipalp
Enters the female pudendum.

Then dies on the spot
His corpse there still stuck,
Left for his rivals to curse at.
He would rather die than not get to f^ck
Personally I reckon it’s worth it.

That’s, uh, bleak.

Now that we have the angst out of the way, I recommend following The Oatmeal’s advice:

In that spirit, here’s a good sexy rumpus song. Sort of.

In case you’re wondering, the dwarf mime is not Peter Dinklage.

American Culture Probably Made This Inevitable (UPDATED)

Posted on February 6, 2014 by wellsdc

To paraphrase my friend Bob regarding this bit of news, there is no way this will end well:

That George Zimmerman charity boxing match is really happening, and now he has an opponent.

Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman said in a news release that he picked rapper DMX out of a pool of 15,000 e-mailed requests to participate. “The match will be one of the Biggest Celebrity Boxing matches of all time,” the release read, as quoted by CNN.

Zimmerman previously said the match was his idea, and that he had been training since “prior to the incident.” He was acquitted in 2012 in the killing of teenager Trayvon Martin.

DMX was pretty fired up for the bout. He told TMZ he was prepared to break every rule in boxing “to make sure I f**k him right up.”

I suspect we’re going to see a lot of true colors on display around this event.

For my part, while I suppose I’m rooting for DMX (to the extent I’m rooting for anyone), I don’t really want to see Zimmerman get the crap beaten out of him. I don’t want to see him at all. I think he’s willing to accept large numbers of people hating him if it means he stays famous—it’s therefore a far greater punishment for him to fade into obscurity, a footnote in the history of American stupidity.

Continue reading →

Football and Me: A Story of Indifference

Posted on February 2, 2014 by wellsdc

By vectorbelly.com

When I was in college, a guy in my dorm wrote a column in the school newspaper’s sports page (which is, remarkably, available online) describing Texas football as a religion:

Growing up here, I have come to the conclusion that football is the official state religion of Texas.

Many Southern Baptists might disagree with me on this point, but I have yet to see a church that holds 60,000 followers or that has carpet which rivals the colorful plushness of Astro-Turf.

Football is as ingrained in our culture as the sacred word “y’all.” To a native Texan, a football stadium is a cathedral to which he must diligently make a pilgrimage on weekends.

Football is a faith with three holy days a week. The fall season means high school games on Friday nights, college games on Saturday afternoons, and professional games on Sundays.

I always thought that was a great observation, but if football really is a religion in Texas, then it is another way that I am an atheist.

Today being Super Bowl Sunday & all, it seemed like a good day to mention it. Or not. Whatever.

I’ve tried to like football. I really, really tried. I’ll watch a game and enjoy it now and then, but that’s not what I mean. Despite my descent from a long and proud line of Texas Longhorns, and despite more than 14 years of living within a few miles of Darrell K. Royal–Texas Memorial Stadium itself, I have never truly bled burnt orange. I might have watched the ‘Horns win the National Championship in 2006, but I was a fair-weather fan to my very core.

By Eric R from Scranton, PA, USA (2006 Rose Bowl Celebration) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

This was pretty f-ing epic, though.

It’s not just the Longhorns, either. I cared a bit about the Rice Owls in college, but students paid for tickets with their tuition and the student section never filled up, so why the hell not? Everyone who was there at the time remembers October 16, 1994, the moment when everyone was united, if only for one day, in passionate Rice Owls fandom.

I never much cared about the Cowboys, and I was neither happy nor sad when the Houston Oilers moved to Tennessee. I cared some about my high school team (Go Mules!), but at least there I actually knew some of them.

At some point, I finally accepted that I just don’t care about football, and social conventions be damned, I can’t force myself to be more interested. YMMV. Continue reading →

Exploring the Mythical Friend Zone

Posted on January 30, 2014 by wellsdc

This comic by mamamantis sums up the entire “friend zone” and NiceGuy™ phenomena beautifully (h/t Jason):

The Friendzoner vs The Nice Guy by mamamantis.tumblr.com

This is but a sample. Click the image to see all.

I also have an infrequently-updated Tumblr blog exploring the concept of the NiceGuy™.

See also, girlfriendzoning.

Alternative Lifestyle

Posted on January 28, 2014 by wellsdc

I, Tony Wills [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons The term “alternative lifestyle” has come up several times recently in social media discussions, generally in reference to LGBTQ individuals who are actually just trying to live their lives and not bother the person who thinks they are alternative. I realized that I hadn’t seen or heard that term in a while, which is at least partly due to my own self-selection of media sources, and the company I keep. It raises the question, though, of “alternative” to what, exactly?

In my own opinion, I lead a pretty “mainstream” life. I’m married to a woman, we own a house together, she commutes to work every morning, and I work via the internet. To others, though, my life may look pretty wacky. I don’t go to church, ever, on account of being an atheist. I occasionally do improv comedy and hang around with improvisers. I have about 20-24 hours’ worth of tattoo work on my body. I’m sure to someone somewhere, I seem sort of “alternative.” Going to church all the time and worrying about how God (or whichever god) might view my daily decisions—a lifestyle I used to lead—seems pretty “alternative” to me now, because it is different from my daily experience.

Referring to something as an alternative lifestyle suggests that the speaker views their own lifestyle as normal, standard, or preferable. To me, a truly “alternative” lifestyle might be someone who keeps a flock of ostriches on their property and makes them attend daily afternoon tea. One could raise legitimate concerns about such a lifestyle regarding, inter alia, public health and humane treatment of wildlife.

Now please, stop obsessing over the personal lives of grown, consenting adults who simply love one another differently than you, and go save some ostriches.

Photo credit: Tony Wills [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

Porn and Prejudice: On and On We Go (UPDATED)

Posted on January 28, 2014 by wellsdc

UPDATE (01/29/2014): She got reinstated. I take no credit for it.

Bonus points if you get the reference.

Yet another teacher has been suspended (which may or may not be code for “fired”) after daring to reveal that she is in fact naked underneath all of her clothing. This time she’s an elementary school special education teacher (or teacher’s aide, depending on the news source). An “anonymous source” sent copies of not-quite-nude pictures to the school’s administration, which is a real classy move:

A Fitchburg teacher’s aide who moonlights as a model of sexy lingerie has sparked a debate over what conduct is befitting of an educator outside the classroom.

Many people seem to have no issue with Kaitlin Pearson’s modeling portfolio, while others are questioning whether someone who works with young children should be posing for racy photos.

Regardless, Superintendent of Schools André Ravenelle placed Pearson on paid administrative leave early Friday afternoon after the district was anonymously sent a packet containing her modeling photos.

Pearson has been working in one of South Street Elementary School’s special-education programs as a full-time classroom assistant for a small group of students since November.

***

Ravenelle said he was not aware of Pearson’s modeling photos until school officials were mailed the anonymous packet. A similar packet was also sent to the Sentinel & Enterprise. Ravenelle placed Pearson on administrative leave before speaking with a reporter for this article.

A short note, typed in all capital letters, that was included in the packet sent to the Sentinel & Enterprise read, in part: “Can you believe that this girl was hired to work with special education children in the Fitchburg schools?!!” [Emphasis added.] Continue reading →

Gen X Is Getting Old

Posted on January 19, 2014 by wellsdc

The other day, I read that the Super Bowl’s organizers booked the Red Hot Chili Peppers for the halftime show in order to appeal to an older audience. This is one of those “Gosh, I feel old” moments.

I really do hope Gen X doesn’t get as insufferable as the Boomers about getting old, and besides, getting old should not be viewed as somehow inherently bad. Some of the most awesome people in entertainment (where youth might as we be actual currency, like Bitcoin) aren’t exactly spring chickens (cough, Maggie Smith).

Of course, then you see some proof that an icon of your youth has marched through time at the same rate as you, and you can’t help but feel the weight of a few years. I’m talking, of course, about the baby on the cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind (h/t Maredith): Continue reading →

If Smartphones Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Smartphones

Posted on January 16, 2014 by wellsdc

By Jacrews7 (Flickr: On The Floor Texting) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

HULK SMAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Dr. Keith Ablow, the man who apparently will say anything if it means Fox News will keep letting him be on the teevee, has figured out how to explain the recent Florida movie theater shooting in a way that doesn’t implicate guns at all: data rage. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.

Fox News “Medical A-Team” member Keith Ablow thinks smartphones may be even more dangerous to have in theaters than handguns.

Ablow on Tuesday said a smartphone caused a retired police officer to experience “data rage” toward a man who was texting in a Florida theater and fatally shoot him.

After Curtis Reeves was ordered held without bond on Tuesday, Fox News hosts Bill Hemmer and Alisyn Camerota asked the television psychiatrist what might have caused the 71-year-old ex-Tampa officer pull out his .380 pistol and shoot 43-year-old Chad Oulson while he was texting his 3-year-old daughter.

“I think we may have to look at something I’ll call data rage,” Ablow opined. “Just like road rage. We know that when people interact with machines that sometimes they feel emboldened to do things that they never would, that it can be tremendously frustrating and that people who could be vulnerable — by the way, they may be impulsive to begin with or explosive — add in technology or a machine and things can go over the top.”

I guess, in Ablow’s mind, if the gentleman had not had a gun, “data rage” would have driven him to bludgeon the texter to death with some Twizzlers, or maybe build a bomb using popcorn butter and other found items.

What truly amazes me is that this is supposed to be an argument, essentially, for letting this man have a gun. I’ll give Dr. Ablow the benefit of the doubt for a minute and pretend “data rage” is really a thing. Isn’t this an issue of mental health, to which the NRA et al are always trying to change the subject? If people are prone to uncontrollable rage in the presence of people texting, what are the public safety implications for gun regulation? Or should I just pack my own heat in case I enrage someone through texting?

Not that I expect a thoughtful or coherent answer to such questions…

Photo credit: By Jacrews7 (Flickr: On The Floor Texting) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

Cowards with Guns

Posted on January 15, 2014 by wellsdc

By Mom's Break [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons If a bag of popcorn makes you fear for your life to the point that you need to discharge a firearm at the threat, you are a coward who deserves all the ridicule humanity can throw at you.

Photo credit: By Mom’s Break [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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