Chris Sevier, whom you might remember as the guy who sued Apple for not stopping him from looking at porn, is really mad about the prospect of two dudes getting married. So mad, in fact, that he has decided to once again embarrass himself on the national stage in protest:

In Florida, James Domer Brenner and his partner are currently suing the state to recognize their marriage, which was legally performed in Canada. Florida does not currently allow same-sex marriage or recognize marriages performed legally elsewhere, so this is likely to be a pretty important case.

However, one man is really not happy about it. His name is Chris Savier, “a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran” who is really just a treasure. In order to protest the case before it even starts, he filed a motion to intervene in this case and demand the right to marry his “porn-filled Apple computer.” In the 24-page long document, Savier insists that if gay people “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object.”

So instead of “girlfriend,” “fiancée,” or “wife,” should I be saying “preferred sexual object”? I don’t see that going over well. At all.

In Chris Sevier’s world, apparently, marriage is about choosing an “object of sexual desire.” I’m not sure which word of that is the most ridiculous or offensive. I mean, sexual attraction is generally an important part of a marriage, but that probably doesn’t apply to everyone, and to each their own. The “object” part of it is the most troubling to me, though, and it’s a common feature in some of the worst arguments regarding marriage equality.

You’ve probably heard the argument many times, which goes something like “If one man can marry another man, what’s to stop anyone from marrying a child/dog/refrigerator/etc.?” It takes about one second to see how this is a terrible argument, because marriage is supposed to be a two-way street. (Obviously it doesn’t work that way in practice for everyone, but marriages in this country require the consent of both parties, and are subject to annulment if there is evidence of fraud, intoxication, etc.)

We don’t let people marry dogs because dogs cannot legally consent to anything, particularly a marriage license. The same goes for children, in the “lack of capacity to consent” sense. Household appliances and computers are similarly incapable of giving consent. Most importantly, though, no one is advocating for recognition of human-appliance marriage, and anyone advocating for human-animal or human-child marriage can be met with the consent argument.

People have also brought up the question of why, if we allow people of the same sex to get married, wouldn’t we also have to allow siblings to marry one another, or a parent to marry a child. There’s an interesting discussion to be had on that, but for now suffice it to say that no one seems to be advocating for that at all, and the mere fact that someone might try to advocate for something in the future is no justification for denying rights to other people now.

The “incest marriage” argument (I hope there’s a better name for that), along with the “What about polygamy???” argument, are not even arguments against same-sex marriage itself. They’re just attempts to change the subject. I’m pretty sure everyone advocating for marriage equality is fine with keeping the same limits on consanguinity that we already have. If we as a nation have to defend laws against incest marriages or whatever at some point in the future, it’s kind of on us if we don’t have any better argument than “Ew.”

That discussion seems premature, anyway. Apparently some people in this country still can’t tell the difference between a consenting adult human and a laptop computer, or between a consenting adult human and a dog.

Oh, and Sevier’s laptop lust didn’t play in Florida—it was too crazy for Florida—but he’s trying something else in Utah.

Sevier’s motion to intervene in the Florida case and Judge Robert Hinkle’s order denying it are available, in all their glory, at Above the Law.