At present, Canada, Russia, and Denmark are sort of engaged in a dispute over who actually has territorial sovereignty over the North Pole.

Fox News may have assured us that Santa Claus is white (sarcastic whew!), but they’re clearly missing the larger point here: no matter which way you slice it, Santa Claus is not American.

Denmark may have delicious breakfast pastries, but we all know that they are a bunch of socialists whose policies would mildly inconvenience those in America’s highest income brackets—in today’s political environment, that is of course synonymous with evil.

If Santa is Russian, that means we were allowing a Soviet agent unfettered access to U.S. airspace for decades. Someone should impeach Obama for that.

If Santa turns out to be Canadian? Well, Canada ain’t America, is it?

Is Santa Claus getting a visa every year to come into the U.S.? I could do a FOIA request to find out, but instead I’m just going to declare that he isn’t because freedom.

Fox News needs to get on the case of this taker who’s coming to this country illegally in order to give handouts to people who can’t even be bothered to work full-time jobs.