When I saw Mrs. Hall’s open letter to the teenage harlots who tempt her teenage sons, my only way to directly relate to the material was through my own experience as a teenage boy. I mostly recall it as a chaotic mixture of hormones and angst, but I feel very fortunate that I had people around me who taught me about self-control, as opposed to trying to impose restrictions on those around me. (Of course, I came of age in a pre-social-media era, so maybe things are significantly different now—I doubt it, though.)

I pondered writing my own response to Mrs. Hall’s letter, addressing my concern about how her overt slut-shaming is harmful to girls, or how her implicit denial of her sons’ moral agency in the presence of braless teen girl selfies is extremely harmful to boys and girls, or the remarkable irony in chastising girls about their own states of undress in the midst of muscle-beach photos of her own beefcakey brood. The only criticism Mrs. Hall seems to have heard and processed involves the beefcake angle, so she re-posted the same piece minus the teenage boy-flesh. I’d posit that the other issues are more important. Enough people have weighed in now that I doubt I can add much more, so here are excerpts from some of my favorite responses:

Marisa McPeck-Stringham, “FYI (If You’re a Teenage Boy)” at Huffington Post:

Please understand this, also: we genuinely like keeping up with you. We enjoy seeing life through your unique and colorful lens — which is what makes your latest self-portrait so extremely unfortunate. You just aren’t good enough. We’re the Joneses. Now keep up with us.

Those posts don’t reflect who you are! We think you are handsome and probably interesting and, if I’m being generous, very smart. But, we had to cringe and wonder what you were trying to do? Who are you trying to reach? What are you trying to say? Because we literally have nothing better to do than judge and examine the lives of teenage boys.

And now — big bummer — we have to block your posts. Because, the reason we have these (sometimes awkward) family conversations around the table is that we care about our daughter, just as we know your parents care about you. But not as much as we care about our kids, because we’re totes better parents than your parents.

I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage daughter seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a female sees you in a state of undress, she can’t ever un-see it? You don’t want my daughter to only think of you in this sexual way, do you? Because if she does, it will be YOUR fault. Our daughter does not have free agency. She is incapable of controlling her thoughts and actions, so you must do it for her. Seriously, she can’t. It’s some sort of chromosome condition that only occurs with the XX.

Deborah Cruz, “FYI (If You’re a Condescending Mom of Boys)” at Huffington Post:

Mrs. Hall takes all of the responsibility of her sons’ sexual behavior and puts it on these teenage girls. Maybe you missed the memo, Mrs. Hall but we’ve all decided that it’s better to teach our boys not to rape than to teach our girls to protect themselves.

Instead of writing a blog post letter to all these young girls that are not reading mommy blogs, hoping maybe their parents will see it and shame them into keeping their clothes on, why not teach her sons to unfriend these girls? Why not teach her precious boys to rise above it and just not look at the photos? Why blame the girls?

Timaree, “FYI: You’re Not Helping”:

It’s a long-held tradition that females are sexual gatekeepers, responsible for taming the wild beast that is the male. But that’s a really sexist and not useful belief- and it hurts people of all genders.

It implies boys are innately brutish, that masculinity is about domination, that boys are not capable of sensitivity or self-restraint. It not only lets boys off the hook for antisocial behavior, but it even encourages it as a rite of masculine passage.

And it tells a girl it’s her fault each time a boy catcalls her in the hallway, grabs at her body, pushes past her objections on a date. SHE should have done something different, she should have worn something more modest, been less sexy, (or as is often the source of most middle school sexual harassment ) not had breasts.

Katie J.M. Baker, “Concerned Mom: Slutty Girls’ Selfies Are Tempting My Perfect Sons” at Jezebel:

Don’t fret, black magic mini-sluts! It’s not too late to repent. If you think you’ve made an online mistake, “RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your male friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom.” Timesaver: you won’t have to imagine Hall’s male kids naked because they are basically naked right here in this blog post.

Instead of addressing a letter to unnamed teenage girls, Hall could’ve had a (shirt-optional) chat with her sons called “FYI (If you’ve been brainwashed by Biblical sexism).”

“Respect everyone regardless of their gender/sexuality/appearance,” she might’ve said. “Don’t worry! It’s okay if you have sexual feelings! You’re a sexual being! Girls are too. That doesn’t mean you can treat them like objects. You and you alone are responsible for your thoughts and actions. Get over this Madonna-whore complex while you still can.”

John Sousa, “FYI (it’s called Rape Culture)”:

Because what you’re teaching them is not to respect women’s bodies. You’re not teaching them to “Love what’s on the inside.” You’re teaching that women who are exploring their sexuality, who take pictures of themselves without bras, are sluts. That they’re temptresses who are tempting your otherwise-men-of-integrity to get raging boners and stop seeing the woman as a person. It’s no different than Richard Cohen ridiculously blaming the Steubenville Rape debacle on Miley Cyrus’s dirty dancing.

There’s a term for this, for what your letter is part of. That term is Rape Culture. It says that if a woman is raped, it’s her fault. Because she wore a short skirt. Because she drank too much. Because she took a selfie in her towel.

Beth Woolsey, “Dear Mrs. Hall, Regarding Your ‘FYI (if you’re a teenage girl)’…”:

Please, please tell me if I’m reading too much into what you’re saying here, but it looks like you’re suggesting that once a male sees a female in only a towel, he can only think of her in a sexual way. If so, YIKES. Also, NO. I made a phone call on this one, just to double check with one of the most rule-following, law-abiding, deeply-rooted-in-Christian-culture men I know… my father, former Marine, former missionary. And he said two things that stood out like flashing neon signs: 1) Although men certainly retain memories of seeing exciting things –“like I’ll never forget seeing my first Ferarri!” he said – it’s demeaning to men of any age to presume they can only see a woman as a sexual object once they’ve seen her in a state of undress, and 2) This shifts an unreasonable burden of responsibility to young women for ensuring men don’t view them sexually.

Amy Oztan, “Forget Teens, Here’s a Message for Their Parents”:

The first is that the harder you try to control your kids, the more devious they will be. That doesn’t mean you should just turn a blind eye to whatever, but if you’re not raising them with an eye towards pushing them out of the nest, you’re going to find yourself in a shitload of trouble when they go off on their own for the first time. The letting go, the transfer of control from you to them, has to be gradual, with an eye towards letting go completely and hoping that the work you’ve been doing all along – teaching them common sense and courtesy and respect – will bear fruit.

***

The goal is to raise children, not keep them.

Rebecca Hains, “A response to Mrs. Hall: Teaching our boys respect and self-control”:

We are living in a post-Steubenville world (which I wrote about here). We have seen graphic evidence of the results of the sexual objectification of young girls, and of the victim-blaming mindset–that a girl who presents herself in a sexy way “deserves it.”

Therefore, for parents like Mrs. Hall who are concerned about their sons’ well-being, their best course is not to focus on shaming girls and controlling their behavior.

Instead, we must teach our sons compassion. Help them understand that girls’ self-sexualization is prompted by a toxic culture.

We must teach our sons to always respect girls. Help them see them girls as complex human beings, like themselves–never simply as sex objects.

Our boys MUST be taught these lessons. They must know that when a girl engages in sexually provocative behavior, her behavior does not give boys a “pass” to dwell exclusively on the girls’ sexuality. Nor does it entitle them to expect sexual favors from girls, or to pressure them sexually in any way.

Contrary to popular opinion, boys are not animals. They can practice self-control. And yes, it takes practice. But if we focus on raising our sons, rather than chastising other people’s daughters, it’s possible.

Jessica Wilzig Gottlieb, “FYI: An Open Letter to Teenage Girls Who Don’t Always Wear a Bra”:

By now you’re probably aware that Mrs. Hall thinks you’re a dirty slut who can’t be Facebook friends with her sons. By now you’ve probably been told 93,872 times in your life that The Internet is Forever and you should never ever post anything online that you don’t want the whole world to see because the whole wide world will see it and will judge you.

By now, my braless teenage friend, you know that adults have lied to you because you’ve seen plenty of things be deleted, you’ve seen entire social networking sites disappear (MySpace anyone?) and you know not to trust those adults who tell you that the internet is forever and that the world thinks you’re dirty.

***

Girls, adults are afraid of your sexuality. The moms who are teaching their boys that you’re nothing but a seductress if you dare go braless or post a selfie where your [gasp] shoulders are exposed are terrified. I’m not sure what makes them afraid. It’s possible that they think their sons will burn in eternal hell, that they’re worried you’ll knock on their door pregnant one day soon or something that’s less easy to identify. Just know that adult women who are concerned about teenage girls not wearing bras are fearful women. Know that women (and men) who are operating out of fear have no advice to give that’s of any value.

Photo credit: By Alwaysthefearless (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons.