Monthly Archives: August 2013

5 Tips for Successful Blogging in the Space Age

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Earlier this year, I authored a post entitled “5 Tips for Successful Blogging,” in which I offered advice based on my years of experience remembering to put food in my mouth and not my nose.

It seems as though other self-styled “experts” are still out there, offering their own bits of sage advice, but still missing the most important aspects of being an effective blogger. So, here are five more tips that I can offer the bloggers of today and tomorrow. Technology keeps advancing every day, so all of this may be obsolete by the time you finish this

New technology has made blogging even easier, only requiring the parts of your brain that aren’t watching those judge shows on Fox every morning. Here are five tips for successful blogging for the bloggers of today and tomorrow.

1. Carpal tunnel syndrome continues to be a major problem for office workers around the world. You can delay the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome by refusing to learn how to type, and using only your two index fingers (or the nearest available fingers.)

2. Sirius, also known as the “dog star,” is approximately 8.6 light years from Earth. Factor that into your marketing plan.

3. The keys on your keyboard should face up (unless you practice inverted blogging, in which case there is nothing more I can teach you.)

4. Tardigrades, also known as “water bears,” are a terrible target demographic for most bloggers. Studies have shown that tardigrades have little interest in most blog topics, with the as-yet unexplained exception of Gaelic football.

By Goldstein lab - tardigrades (originally posted to Flickr as water bear) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I think it wants to hug you!

5. List-style blog posts will remain extremely popular forever. Always blog in list form. Even if your post only has one point to make, number it.

Photo credit: By Goldstein lab – tardigrades (originally posted to Flickr as water bear) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.

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An Open Apology to Buffy Summers

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Via sunnydale-scoobies.tumblr.com

Via sunnydale-scoobies.tumblr.com

Dear Buffy:

First of all, may I call you Buffy? I didn’t mean to be presumptuous. Anyway, I know you’re busy being a fictional television character who has been off the air for over ten years, but I had sort of an epiphany. It made me realize that I owe you an apology for criticisms that I made of your show, especially the first three seasons.

I’ll be honest: I didn’t really start enjoying your show until about mid-way through the fourth season. That’s the point when the show took on a “darker” tone. It became more about exploring the characters and their motivation, and less about vampires and demons as metaphors for high school angst.

I had a hard time relating to your character during those first three seasons, which might be called the “high school seasons,” if you were so inclined. Oh, you’re not so inclined? Okay, seasons 1-3 it is, then. Anyway, the main reason I had a hard time relating, and it seems awful now that I say it out loud, was all the crying.

Seriously, it seemed like you cried at least once per episode. You probably didn’t, but I’m not going to go back and check right now. My thoughts, when watching those seasons at a younger age, was to wonder why you cried so dang much. I mean, you’re the Slayer!!! You’re stronger than that, right? Continue reading →

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My Petition to Cast Grumpy Cat in Game of Thrones

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Grumpy-Cat

Probably copyrighted, and if so, definitely not by me.

I have launched an online petition asking HBO to case Grumpy Cat in the role of Lady Whiskers in the next season of Game of Thrones. This is probably not the original intended use of Change.org, but what the hey.

Without any spoilers, Tommen Baratheon (younger brother of King Joffrey) is likely to have a more prominent role in the next season of Game of Thrones. He has three cats, Lady Whiskers, Ser Pounce, and Boots. Lady Whiskers quickly establishes herself as the dominant cat of the group, stealing a mouse that Ser Pounce caught. This prompts Queen Cersei to tell Tommen: “Ser Pounce must learn to defend his right. In this world the weak are always the victims of the strong.” (A Feast for Crows, Chapter 39)

Tardar Sauce, commonly known as Grumpy Cat, is an internet phenomenon, and draws huge crowds at appearances at major events like South by Southwest. She is already the subject of a small merchandising empire, so a jump into cat acting seems like the nest step. In her Grumpy Cat persona, she has the right look for a Lannister cat, and seems like the sort of pet that would attract Cersei’s respect.

Of course, I did not mention this to any of Grumpy Cat’s human companions. Maybe if we get the ball rolling first…

Anyway, spread the word, if you are so inclined.

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Kansas Abortion Opponents Try Out a “Look What You Made Me Do” Strategy

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By Anthony Appleyard (talk).Anthony Appleyard at en.wikipedia [Public domain], from Wikimedia CommonsWichita, Kansas had been abortion-clinic-free for several years, ever since someone shot and killed George Tiller in church. Now, however, a new clinic, the South Wind Women’s Center, has opened in the same spot, and it has anti-choice forces all up in a tizzy. They are taking a novel approach this time, however. They are asking the city to change the area’s zoning to “non business” so that South Wind cannot operate there, because they say the clinic will cause noise disruptions.

According to the Wichita Eagle, abortion opponents are citing several reasons that the clinic shouldn’t be allowed to operate in the community: several gun incidents that occurred when Tiller practiced there, the lack of communication between the clinic’s security staff and the anti-abortion activists to “defuse violence” before it occurs, the level of “antagonism” between the the clinic’s escorts and the anti-choice protesters, and the fact that it may be “inappropriate” for school children to see graphic signs and protests affiliated with the clinic.

So basically, the very same people who would be causing the noise are complaining about the possibility of noise. Don’t get me started on the “defuse violence” argument. This strikes me as a classic diversion tactic used by abusers: “Look what you made me do.” They regard loud, disruptive protests—complete with “graphic signs”—as some sort of natural result of a clinic opening in their town. Some (not all) even seem to regard violence as a likely outcome, with little to no thought of the moral agency of the people committing the violence:

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: What about showing some personal responsibility, anti-choicers? What about accepting that a clinic’s mere existence is not actually provoking you to do anything, whether it’s shoot someone or merely yell invective at them as they go about their business? But personal responsibility is so 2012 (unless you are black). We’re in a new era now, where the mere existence of free birth control means you have to take it and abortion providers are making you harass them just by existing. Willpower is dead.

Photo credit: By Anthony Appleyard (talk).Anthony Appleyard at en.wikipedia [Public domain], from Wikimedia Commons.

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I guess dogs won’t be getting married, then

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"Anti Doggystyle Protester" via imgbit.com

“Anti Doggystyle Protester” via imgbit.com

A Mexican politician made an odd comment re: same-sex marriage, in which she seems to consider coital eye contact to be a prerequisite for nuptials (h/t Bob the Wonder Poodle):

Ana Maria Jimenez Ortiz, a local deputy of the PAN Party in Puebla, said during a forum on whether to legalize gay marriage in the state of Puebla that “marriage should only be considered as those relationships in which the members have sex while facing each other.”

The fun continued:

She said that this was based on the scientific method, asserting that only eye contract at time of copulation creates a true union.

“Who pretends to love decently using the favorite position of dogs!” she said.

The Facebook page that posted this link had an astute observation:

By this logic, heterosexual men can avoid commitment in relationships as long as they maintain a doggy-style only policy.

I’d just point out that Jimenez Ortiz is not being very creative.

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House Cats, Obligate Carnivores

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Australian vegans allegedly nearly killed a kitten by feeding it a vegan diet, as shown in a picture of a newspaper clipping that has been going around on Facebook. Cats are essentially obligate carnivores, meaning that they have to have meat in their diets. Dogs can live, at least in theory, on a meat-free diet, but it’s still pretty damn cruel to the dog. If you are one to eschew all meat products in your home, you might seriously consider sticking to rabbits or llamas as pets, or just not having pets at all.

Anyway, I made a GIF set to express my thoughts on the matter:

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Monday Morning Cute: Newly-Discovered Cuteness

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Scientists have discovered a “new” species of carnivore, the olinguito, in South America. I say “new” in quotes because the animal is not new, just the discovery. The olinguito has probably been scampering around the jungle for eons, not caring that humans had not assigned it a genus and species (Bassaricyon neblina, in case you’re curious).

To be fair, the olinguito is pretty adorable.

By Mark Gurney [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

 The olinguito gets its name from the classically-beautiful actress Lena Olin:

Bobby Mcdobbin [CC BY-SA 2.0], on Flickr

Wait, that’s not right. It gets its name from the olingo, a close-relative that also lives in South America, and is presumably slightly bigger than the olinguito. I don’t know if the olingo gets its name from the Olin family, but I sort of doubt it.

Lest you get carried away with the olinguito’s cuteness, keep in mind that it is a member of the family Procyonidae, part of the order Carnivora. So while it is in the same taxonomic orders as puppies and kittens, its closest well-known relative is the raccoon.

Photo credits: Mark Gurney [CC-BY-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons; Bobby Mcdobbin [CC BY-SA 2.0], on Flickr.

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Signal Boost: A Teen’s Brave Response to “I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay”

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Dan Pearce, who blogs at Single Dad Laughing, wrote an amazing post nearly two years ago entitled “I’m Christian, unless you’re gay.” The post talks about Pearce’s 27 year-old friend Jacob, who is gay, and who had lost any connection to almost all of his friends and family as a result.

“Every single person I’ve told has ditched me. They just disappear. They stop calling. They remove me on Facebook. They’re just gone,” he said. “They can’t handle knowing and being friends with a gay person.”

I didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t say anything.

“You don’t know what it’s like, man. You don’t know what it’s like to live here and be gay. You don’t know what it’s like to have freaking nobody. You don’t know what it’s like to have your own parents hate you and try and cover up your existence. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want this. And I’m so tired of people hating me for it. I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.”

How do you respond to that?

I wanted to tell him it was all in his head. I knew it wasn’t. I wanted to tell him it would get better and easier. The words would have been hollow and without conviction, and I knew it.

You see, I live in this community too. And I’ve heard the hate. I’ve heard the disgust. I’ve heard the disdain. I’ve heard the gossip. I’ve heard the distrust. I’ve heard the anger. I’ve heard it all, and I’ve heard it tucked and disguised neatly beneath a wrapper of self-righteousness and a blanket of “caring” or “religious” words. I’ve heard it more times than I care to number.

That was in November 2011. Several months later, in April 2012, he posted a follow-up, entitled “A Teen’s Brave Response to ‘I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay,'” in which a mother described how her teenage son came out to her via Pearce’s original post: Continue reading →

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If It Weren’t for You Meddling Kids!!!

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Several of our Founding Fathers were barely out of their teens when the Declaration of Independence was signed, according to the Journal of the American Revolution. Some of them were still teenagers, actually:

Marquis de Lafayette, 18
James Monroe, 18
Gilbert Stuart, 20
Aaron Burr, 20
Alexander Hamilton, 21
Betsy Ross, 24
James Madison, 25

This sort of puts General Cornwallis‘ surrender at Yorktown in 1781 into a new perspective, doesn’t it? (Cornwallis was 42 years old at the time.)

"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" (Via tvtropes.org)

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” (Via tvtropes.org)

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A Settlement Proposal for BP

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By NASA [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

On the plus side, scenes like this would probably totally scare off alien invaders.

BP has filed suit against the federal government over the EPA’s decision to suspend it from new federal contracts, after the company pleaded guilty to manslaughter and obstruction of justice (h/t Jennifer). The company now alleges that the EPA’s continued ban is “an abuse of discretion.”

The Deepwater Horizon incident was a clusterfuck of historic proportions, but those guilty pleas only resulted in a fine, plus probation and something called “independent monitoring.” Of course, the fine was for $4 billion, which seems like a large chunk of change to me and (I assume) you, but what is that to BP? As a result of the fallout from Deepwater Horizon, BP’s 2012 profits were “halved,” according to the Telegraph, to $12 billion.

In other words, the criminal penalty paid by BP for the deaths of eleven people, an 87-day ocean-floor oil gusher, and who-knows-how-much resulting damage, was one-third of their profit from 2012. Not their revenue, their profit. And if the Telegraph is right, it is only one-sixth of the profit they were expecting. If an individual pleaded guilty to killing eleven people and poisoning a large portion of ocean, that person would likely be spending some time in a very small room. That person certainly would not get any traction with a lawsuit against the government for refusing to hire them. Since corporations are supposed to be people, what gives?

I have an idea for a settlement that the EPA might propose, one that is undoubtedly fair based on BP’s own assurances: The EPA will lift the ban on BP contracts if all BP senior executives and directors personally perform community service by assisting with cleanup along the Gulf coast, specifically including time spent in the water with the “cleanup” chemicals the company used, that it assured everyone was safe. BP said that Corexit was no more dangerous than dish soap, so it shouldn’t be a big deal for the BP higher-ups to get at least elbow-deep in the stuff, right?

Of course, I know the EPA would never make that sort of offer, and I definitely know BP would never go for it. I’d just love to hear how BP tried to weasel out of it.

Photo credit: By NASA [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

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