I return to my hallowed tradition of collecting oddities for the enjoyment of my reader(s). These are sort of some “greatest hits” collected over the past few months, but “This Past Six Months in WTF” doesn’t sound as good as “This Week…” Just go with it.

– The female southern bottletail squid was the topic of some discussion this week after io9 revealed that she, uh………swallows.

– A Chinese real estate company came up with a novel way to sell properties, by painting the floor plans on the backs of women in bikinis. Apparently, it’s working (h/t Sallie).

– A Ukrainian woman sought political asylum in the European Union because of persecution due to her participation in the adult film industry. To be clear, the woman, who performed under the name Wiska, claimed that the government was persecuting her because of her involvement, which she contends was based on economic need, not direct coercion. She faced criminal charges in Ukraine and possible loss of her children. The Czech Republic denied her asylum application, but she announced that she intended to appeal. The protest group Femen, which consists of topless Ukrainian women, is supporting her.

– A county employee in Dallas offered perhaps the best excuse in the history of the universe for being late to work:

After boarding the DART train at the Carrolton station, we spent approximately 10 minutes awaiting departure. It is my belief that the conductor was gripped with a paralyzing fear, haunted by the ghosts of the men, women and children he had slain in his previous occupation as a serial killer, forced to move because of the closing net of police investigators.Wresting his consciousness back to the present, we finally began to move.

For those of us who make a living stringing words together, it is important to recognize greatness whenever and wherever we see it. Adam [redacted], I salute you.

– Guinea pigs are social animals, and in Switzerland, it is illegal to have only one guinea pig as a pet. So what happens if you keep a pair of guinea pigs, and one dies? Enter Priska Küng, guinea pig matchmaker. She operates a guinea-pig-rental business from her home in Zürich, allowing people to borrow a guinea pig to comfort their bereaved pet. I have no idea how the logistics would work, but it’s kind of a brilliant idea if she provides good care for the little fuzzballs.

– Here’s another reason you shouldn’t keep pot lying around: it is a gateway drug for stoner mice. Police in Wichita, Kansas discovered that mice had chewed through several bags of marijuana in a storage facility and made off with some of the evidence. I doubt the mice made it very far.

– If you are looking for liquor that adds a certain extra, uh, something, you might want to check out G Spirits, a German company that sells whisky, rum, and vodka that has been specially handled by female models.

And by “specially handled,” I mean that supposedly all of the liquor they sell has been poured over a nude model’s bare breasts, such as Alexa Varga, a Playmate of the Year from the Hungarian edition of Playboy.

They claim to have rigorous health safeguards, but I don’t quite get why someone would shell out close to $200 for a bottle of booze that has touched nude model skin. I haven’t seen anything to indicate that the booze itself is particularly noteworthy, so the boob factor is really all there is to distinguish it.

– As long as we’re on the topic of nakedness, a woman who appeared on the TV show Pawn Stars lost her job when naked photos from her days as a Suicide Girl surfaced.

Yes, they fired someone from a show called Pawn Stars for having done extremely softcore porn. Because we can’t have someone some people might have have naked selling used junk to people now, can we? The History Channel lost any semblance of credibility years ago, and really doesn’t deserve to use the word “history” anywhere in its name or promotional materials. Somehow this seems even sillier than anything relating to ancient aliens, though. At least she still got to work at the pawn shop.

Photo credit: Orange Southern Bottletail Squid by Saspotato [CC BY-NC-SA 2.0], on Flickr; “body-painting-floor-plan-1.jpg” via bitrebels.com; “g-spirits-whiskey-520×292.jpg” via refinedguy.com; “1486560.jpg” via suicidegirls.com (NSFW).